Crowned: A Recap

Did she just say that "my mom is the bomb.com?" Lawd.

Now I know this play by play thing is probably working your last nerve. So if you don't care what happened on "Crowned," say goodbye now.

Patty and Laura from Florida. They are already killing me. I know she's trashy, but oh how I love Shana Moakler. Whose mom is that with Mickey Mouse buns? Ooooooohhhhh. Ahhhhhh. Love the house. Nicole from Delaware. It's on... those bitches already hate her because she won Miss Delaware on her first try! Did she just call them the "Star Trek" twins? LMAO. Where are the coloreds?????

Here they are. Mama needs contacts. Immediately. I'm sorry- did they say $100,000? Oh, I'd be serious too. The opera singing duo is hilarious. And damn if they don't look like twins.

Dang, she really does look like a stuffed fish with that gold dress. Wow, Cristan the wild child from Texas is really rather pretty.

These cows are singing opera at 7:15 in the morning. Pamela looks JUST like Amy Winehouse. And the Skin Deep mom looks like Sister Patterson from "I Love New York 2." Pity. Mama doesn't love to dance, does she? Cha cha cha, though? And mama loves her hamburger meat? Funny. Carson is soooooooo gay and so funny. He will be the highlight of this show, for sure. The Red-Headed Bombshells are wack.

Can you have leopard print and sequins on the same dress? "Apparently," say The Blonde Bombshells. From West Virginia.

The Dream Gals. They're cute. And never have I seen a mother-daughter combo who looks less alike!

Wow, the feathers. The Diamond Dolls. The daughter looks old enough to be the mom. Oh boo hoo; they're playing the medical emergency card. Mama had a kidney transplant two years ago. Cliche. Oh, mama is crying. The drama.

Is anyone else tired of these endless Dunkin Donut commercials featuring Rachel Ray? **sigh** And she does Ritz cracker spots too? Lawd.

Team Skin Deep is rapping. And dancing. Okay. And they're dumb.

The Tomboy Queens. Love Mama Winehouse.

The Sassy Sisters. Mama's 39, daughter's 20. Enough.

The Reigning A's. They are soooooooooooo dry. Dryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. When Shana Moakler says "you're saying a lot, but I'm not really hearing anything," you know you're in trouble.

The Daredevil Divas. What the hell is an aerialist? "Your outfits make my eyes bleed." Woowwwwwww. He needs a Band Aid for his eyes. Perfectly put.

Oh, my dear Carson. Priceless line of the night: "When I hear "silent but deadly," only one thing comes to mind..... smelly, silent farts!" well, the daughter is gorgeous. And the mother has a Ph.D. Love them.

Team Hot & Not. They look.... crazy. The daughter went to Girls Town- some boot camp for troubled girls. Seems to have been productive.

Okay. De-sashing ceremony #1. With the crystal-studded scissors. "Even though your dresses give me cataracts... you're still safe." I. LOVE. CARSON. The law school student from West Virginia... she looks stunned to be in the bottom two. Oh Carson strikes again with "I couldn't see past those horrendo hats." He said they look like Amish hookers!

Ah well... buh bye to the Reigning A's.

Take 1,329,973. Dammmmmmmn Jenah. You suck. I L-O-V-E Chantal's dress. But I'm still not feeling her. Saleisha, seriously? Don't fuck this up for us.

Did Walmart absolutely HAVE to shoot this damn "Soul Food" inspired Christmas dinner commercial? Complete with the uber extra uncle picking off the food. **sigh**

If Miss J doesn't look a damn fool! "Stomp to the death?" Word, Tyra? Damn, Chantal. "I don't know if she's the kind of person I want my little sister to look up to." Wow. Low blow. But what does she have on, though? A tent?

They picked a weird picture of Saleisha. She looks almost anorexic. If you're white, Twiggy loves you. Hands down. Jenah's done. No doubt. "Rainbows incessantly?" I see you with the SAT words! What does Jenah's resentment towards her mom have to do with her being a damn model? NOTHING. Boo. Crocodile tears better not make her a finalist.

I.
LOVE.
That.
Jaslene.
Has.
On.
Bamboo.
Earrings.
With her name in them.
J'adore.

And I love Drew Barrymore as a Cover Girl. She's fab.

Fakey fake fake Chantal. Boo on you. Where are the tears? Yeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh Saleisha. Get it! Damn, can a bitch get a porter to help her with that big ass duffel bag?????

I miss Saleisha's old hair. I'm over this bob. Ty. Ra. You look like boo boo. Smelly boo boo.

Wowwwww. This J'adore Dior commercial with Charlize Theron is fiyahhhh!!

Oooooohhhhhh Tyra is a modeling bitch! Chantal looks mad stiff to me. Chantal's seecond gown is gorgeous.

I.
Am.
Outdone.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahah!1

She tripped the man on the stilts! Priceless. Lying ass. When Saleisha asked her if she stopped, she said no. Uhhhh... okay.

Tyra should NEVER do the onion bun. Ever. No mas. Saleisha crushed that runway. Finally, someone agrees about Chantal. Ramrod stiff.

America's Next Top Model is......

Saleisha!!!!!!!!! Rock on, bitch.

Goody! "Crowned" is next! Smooches.

LMAO

Exotic Dancer Name Is...

Violet

Exotic Dancer Name Generator

Saturday Comedy

Someone sent to this to me, and I thought it was HILARIOUS. Love the white man and his woman, right J?!!!

Christmas Copy

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags. I love wrapping gifts, but after awhile, it gets expensive. Gift bags are easy and beautiful.
2. Tree, real or fake? Fake. No needles to clean up and I really don't like the smell of pine.
3. When do you put up the tree? I actually don't. Haven't had a tree since I lived at home. It's pretty pointless unless you have children.
4. When do you take the tree down? See above.
5. Do you like eggnog? LOVE IT. Never had it with alcohol, but I love it. Ice cold.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Hmm... the Christmas when Cabbage Patch Kids first came out for like $70 a pop and my mom- I mean Santa Clause- bought me four.
7. Do you have a Nativity scene? No.
8. Hardest person to buy for? I don't really buy Christmas presents. But in general, Bishop is a tough one.
9. Favorite Christmas tradition? We didn't really have any traditions. Just my mom's macaroni and cheese. So good.
10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Hmm... this hat and glove set from my ex-boyfriend's mom. Leopard print fleece. Hideous.
11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither. I don't send them.
12. Favorite Christmas movie? "A Christmas Story" makes me chuckle. But only because that little kid's glasses are so damn funny. Wait, I completely forgot. "Bad(der) Santa." Genius.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Helllllooooo! McFly!!!!! See #8
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes :)
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Mom's macaroni and cheese. And greens. And turkey. And ham.
16. Clear lights or colored lights on a Christmas tree? First of all, they're white lights! And colored lights? NEVER. They just look so... poor. I've never seen any Christmas display anywhere with colored lights that didn't look tacky.
17. Favorite Christmas song? "Oh Holy Night" by Mariah Carey
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Home. Work. Bah.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Comet, Cupid, Dancer, Dasher, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. No topper.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
22. Most annoying part of this time of year? Angry women at the mall fighting over overpriced things.
23. What I love most about Christmas.... kids with new toys.

Top Model Time

Did that "Seventeen" lady just say that Bianca's walk was "a little too hip hop?" I ABHOR when white people say dumb shit like that. How do you WALK hip hop? Whatever. But the monkey look on Bianca is DONE. Give that girl some hair, please. PLEASE.

Jenah wins the runway challenge? She just looks so... trashy to me. Well she needs Jay tips. I liked Saleisha's dress the best. I loved Bianca's bag. Chantal is just wack to me. Wickety wickety wickety wickety wack. Daddy.

The great wall of China... that is so cool. Fabulosity.

Chantal's hair looks just plain foolish. FOOLISH, I say. Okay when I said Bianca needed hair, I didn't mean that ginormous bun in the front. Oh Lordy. Get it Leisha! She's my fave.

**Am I loser for wanting to watch this new show "Crowned?" Did Shana say a "de-sashing ceremony?" And did she say "there's nothing in this world that a little self tanner and some high heels won't fix?" I am soooo there next week!**

Jenah is forgettable. Did the dumb bitch say that she was homesick? SUCK IT UP. What is it about Chantal that I just shy away from? SALEISHA. Wowwwwwwww. Picture is amazing.

Okay. Can Heather really be the Cover Girl of the Week for every week of this competition and yet she's cold chillin at home this week? Every single week. But when she opens that mouth... atrocious.

Okay, here we go. Decision time. I want Jenah to bounce, but my money's on Bianca. Swang song, Tyra? Seriously? Could someone just muzzle her? And by the way, what happened to Atoosa Rubenstein at "Seventeen?" She was gangsta.

#1. WHAT??????? Chantal's pic was better than Salesha's? BULLSHIT.
#2. Saleisha.

Jenah looks like she's starring in a Chinese Star Trek. Blah blah Tyra. Blah blah blah. Who's packing their shit?

Bianca. I was right, but I disagree. What does she need? Hair. Now she has to go back to Queens with no damn hair. I'd be SO pissed. She was robbed.

Reunion Recap

Happy belated Thanksgiving to all of you who haven't been by in the last few days. Missed you all.... hope you had a fabulously fat day eating all of that heavy, cartery clogging food at Big Mama's house.

Ah yes... the reunion. The event that all of you (or at least one or two of you) have been waiting for. Class of 1987. Yeah, 1987. Here we go...



This is a shot of me just before we left for the big event. Can't you see the anticipation and eagerness in my eyes? At any rate, as you can see, Tina worked a much-needed miracle for me in the hair department, and although I severely overestimated the length of the dress (as usual), it worked out as well. So here we are: two well-dressed Black people off to see what the night has in store.



When we get there, we stop by our respective restrooms and run into a group of four very drunk, very white women. Four very drunk, white women who apparently are (or at least were) QUITE enamored with the Bishop. "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! BISHOP!!!!!!! (well, they used his real name) Look at youuuuuuuuuu!" As I stand there with that half smile, half vacant look on face, I'm thinking to myself, "Yes... look at him." One of the women throws herself into my arms and hugs me. Did I mention that I didn't go to school there, let alone graduate in 1987, and that I most definitely do NOT know this woman? Well she (and ALL of her friends) were TOASTED compliments of the open bar that I had yet to benefit from, and it was only 8:00 (party started at 7:00). After we- well, HE- makes suitable small talk with the ladies, we head for the check-in table to pick up his nametag and souvenir book. Allow me to give you.... BISHOP: CLASS OF 1987.



Now... hopefully you too have recovered from your stomachache and the resulting bruise on your forehead from where you fell down on the floor laughing. What can I say? Twenty years was a long time ago. Anyway... we walk in and immediately get assaulted by another contingent of very drunk, VERY Caucasian women who similarly launch themselves into his arms with screams of "OMIGOD!!!!! Look at you!!!!" I thought if I had to smile and say, "Very good, thank you. Just fine, thanks! Great, and you?" ONE more time, I would hurl. And then there was the woman who- probably without meaning to and definitely without realizing it- made my night. After fawning over Bishop for a few seconds, she said, "Oh is this your wife?" I smiled demurely and said "no," but offered my hand and said, "Hi, I'm Monique." She said, "Oh look at you-you are SOOOOO fabulous!" Well, you know...

After exacting a promise from him that he would, under no circumstances, leave me alone at the table during the course of the night (which he immediately reneged on), I made my way to the bar to begin my drinking. I calculated that I was going to need AT LEAST four to five drinks or a very healthy dose of Beyonce records to get me throught the night without retreating to the corner to call La and collapse. I drank, we ate, he talked, I drank, he hugged, I drank, he smiled, I drank, he joked, I drank, he reminisced, I DRANK. Throughout all of this, the soundtrack for this little experience was "Pour Some Suga On Me" compliments of Def Leppard. Yes, DEF LEPPARD. And every song that the damn DJ played was prefaced by, "This next song goes out to the class of 1987 (as if there were any other classes there). From your senior year... "Let's Wait Awhile" by Janet Jackson!!!!" Wow....

Then, after a 90-minute Caucasian-only set, came the line dance set. Your favorite (and mine) "Electric Slide," immediately followed by, "The Cha Cha Slide," and then the "Cupid Shuffle." "To the left, to the left, to the left, to the LEFFFFFFT, to the right, to the..." well, you get the point. Then we got "Step in the Name of Love" and "Wifey." The highlight of this set (second only to the drunk whiteys trying to follow the directions of R. Kelly) was some guy's wife (who looked 20 years older than him) screaming at her husband (as he tried to pull her onto the dance floor), "I can't dance to this! I'm WHITE!!!" Oh my, she was SOOOO serious. SO serious.

This brings us to the New Jersey club music set. CeCe Peniston, Fantasia's "Hood Boy" (who knew there was a club mix?), "Follow Me," and "Don't Make Me Over." This was the magnet that finally pulled ya boy out onto the dance floor. So as I sat in my chair with my eyes half closed, wishing fervently that I could disappear and nobody would notice, Bishop was out on the dance floor with the fatties and the whiteys, TEARING THE CLUB UP. Wow. Then came "Now That We Found Love" by Heavy D. Finally- a song that I can dance to. So I took off my sandals and hit the floor to jiggle the last of that Malibu into whatever cells it was unfamiliar with in my body. But the piece de resistance... the last song for the reunion of the Class of 1987. It went a little something like this



No, really... SERIOUSLY. So after we supersoaked that ho for a few (at which point Bishop was like, "I am NOT dancin to this shit!"), we left.

The end. Oh yeah, one more photo...



Now, the end.

Strange

Okay, so why am I just now getting this in the mail? I was licensed as of March 2007, and I am just NOW getting my official license from the wonderful state of New Jersey. Fabulous. Ah well, all hail the chief.

I'm Sleepy

Loo loo loo loosahhhhhh day... **hmm mm um hmm** I am having a loser day! Here I sit at my wonderful place of employment where I have been sitting since 8:00 this morning and where I will continue to sit until 10:00 tonight. Funfantastic. And what I really love (no, REALLY) is that every time I work, there's someone new working. And by "new," I mean their very first day on the job. Being new is all good... we all had a first day. But on your first day, do you say that you're not answering the phones. Err?? But the phone is ringing, though. A lot. And you won't answer it? I'm so puzzled as to why not. **sigh** Never mind, I've got it. Why not?

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and we're pleased about that. Every day I'm thankful for something, so yesterday was just another day for me. But for some reason, I had this crazy desire to have some "traditional" holiday food. Went to this restaurant called Deltas and had some turkey, dressing, rice and gravy ("rice and graveeee babeeeee?" For all you HU heads), cabbage, and fried okra. No dessert. Ice water and a few alcoholic beverages of the brightly colored variety. Yum. By 1:00 a.m. I was laying on the floor of the bathroom, hugging my silk-covered pillow to my chest, as I envisioned in vain a life without vomit and copious sweating. **sigh again** That's what I get for jumping on that peer pressure bandwagon and not going for my normal Chinese takeout. CURSES!!!!

So... what else? Nothing, really. Going to a high school reunion tomorrow, so I have an early morning hair appointment. In order to fulfill my mental picture of being the flyest bitch in the place (which really isn't hard considering it's the class of '87 in a small city in NJ), I'm on a mission. Fresh hairstyle (some sort of curl pattern for my new pseudo-bob), a repair on this horribly deformed thumbnail, a quick polish change for the toes, and a nice leisurely makeup application compliments of MAC Cosmetics and the gift card they sent me for being such a loyal customer (shut up, those of you who have seen my makeup train case). Ahhhhhh... I love when I have appearances! And yes, I am aware that I'm not a celebrity and therefore don't really have "appearances," per se, but whatever... my dress is bad, so that's half the battle. Photos if you're good :)

Turkey Tidings

Can I just make a quick PSA? I want to thank all of the people who called, emailed, puffed out a smoke signal, etc. to wish me a Hapy Thanksgiving. Now if we don't normally communicate via those media, then you can pardon my sarcasm. But if we do and you didn't, well then.... bite me.

And now Wendy Williams has hold of it... Lord, poor Shirley Strawberry. They are putting what happened on the radio this morning on BLAST!!! Well... if them two were gettin it poppin before, they SURELY won't be anymore! Thanks, Uncle Steve!!

SHMS

PLEASE tell me that I'm not the only person who heard The Steve Harvey Morning Show today. Please. PLEASE. That phone call from Tommy to Shirley was BEYOND priceless. Sooooo beyond. I can't promise that she'll ever forgive him for putting their relationship on blast, but DAMN that thing was too funny. "Honey are you still coming down for dinner on Thursday? Baby what are you doing? Sweetie..." whew..... funny.

Okay. Is it just me, or is this the absolute WORST AMA's ever? I just got home from work and I'm watching the telecast on tivo. So they opened with Fergie. Now I do love her, but live singing? Not so much. Too Fergalicious. And all that will.i.am? He reminds me of a bootleg Wyclef. Fast forward through all of this lily whiteness. Nicole Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious was super wack too. Bah.

WAIT.



Stop.




Hold the motherfucking phone.



Why does Jimmy Kimmel have Jordyn Sparks and Kelly Pickler up there doin the damn Soulja Boy? Oh HELL no. White coonery. Great.

But when that boy from the Jonas Brothers straight BUSTED HIS ASS, it stole the show for me!!!! Priceless.
High School Musical over Dreamgirls? Uhh.... okay. Now what is that on Rihanna's head? And why is she singing "Umbrella" to a full orchestra? Ne-yo is saving her ass. Pitiful.

WHAT THE?????? Is this for real? To the left to the left? Is that a honky tonk cracker singing a Beyonce song? Seriously? No, seriously? **And as a side note, Jay must be KILLIN that because those jeans are SNUGalicious** Sugarland sings the hits. My God. It's the Apocalypse.

Did he just introduce Solange as an "artist who sings, writes, and produces?" Was he trying to play her? And where did she get that weird dress and hair? No way is this American Idol castoff Daughtry better than Norah Jones and John Mayer. No way.

Celine Dion is still writing songs? Cool. Ride that gravy train, bitch! LENNY KRAVITZ!!!! Just when I was getting ready to hit fast forward. Love him! Yummo. Is that Biggie? Fat Albert? Keenan? Kel? Maybe if you took off those damn schmedium ass glasses, you could read the teleprompter, you fake ass reggae singer.

Lawd was that MC Hammer and Karyn White on the flashback? Hells yeah. Wow Jenny Garth looks FAB. Ooh its my jailbait boyfriend Chris Brown! Love him so much... what a cutie pie! I'm a country boy from Tappahanock, VA... ah well. Enough of that. I think I hearted his VMA performance better. Okay, but that ending was fiyah.

Oh look at Alicia pretending to be interested in Usher singing to her. How very hetero of her. Why does Ashley Tisdale look like Ashlee Simpson's twin sister? Wow... freaky. I. Am. So. Sick. Of. This. Song. Sooooooooooo sick. Sick. Is this the reggae remix? For real? Okay. Murder She Wrote with a dance break? So much. Beanie Man. Well, she does look fantastic.

Has Usher really "conquered the fragrance world?" Boo-yah. Tongue tied much, Ush? Oh my beloved B. So beautiful. Good job. And those diamond Lorraine Schwarz bangles? Get it B.

**Is Usher illiterate?**

And why is Solange mean muggin her sister? Hate hate hate hate. Ooh I love this new Mary song. Her shae is amazing in that getup. I'm so jealous of anyone who can wear thigh boots. Did she jut bring back the WOP?? Love it. One time for the 80's. Nice wig too. Remember when my hair was cut like that. Very flattering for her. I love that she's just out there with her mic gettin her groove on. Old school style.

Okay I need to sleep. No more recap. I'm sure it doesn't get any better anyway.

I Feel the HEAT!!!!

"Where's JayZ and his bitch at?" Umm.... could you dial down the hate JUST a tad bit, please? I just got to the game, and I really can't get with your bitterness this early in the first quarter! Some broken down busted up broads were sitting behind us talking loud... you know the kind of loud where they want people to hear them and wonder how they know who they know. All I know is that courtside hate is unacceptable. We're a stone's throw away from Kimora and Djamon, James Gandolfini, and some random ass stankin rich white people, and you got hate in your heart? Whatever...

For the record, I look fabulous and very faux wealthy. Tight jeans with knee-high black sude and patent leather boots, a black asymmetric collared sweater with silver snaps, and some big silver hoops. And my oversized silver Dior shades to top off my fresh blowout compliments of the Dominicans. **sigh** I know you're weary of it, but fuck it: shawty is a TEE-YEN!!!

Tata... more basketball now.

The Powers of Positive Thinking

Yippppppeeeeeeee!! Talk about speaking what is not as though it were. My friend just called to ask me if I'm busy tomorrow night. Why, you ask? Because she's inviting me to the Nets-Heat game to sit... guess where? COURTSIDE!!! Apparently some boy who has a crush on her plays for the Heat and is leaving her the tickets. YEAH! Ooh I gotta get Dwyane Wade and Shaquille O'Neal-ready. Cuz shawty is a TEE-YEN!!!!!

"Ooh if I gave you peaches out of my own garden and made you a peach pie, would you..." what is she saying? Who really cares? That bitch is pissed at the haters in her life. No peaches for you!

This is how you know it is almost time for me to blow this joint. 11 hours and 44 minutes of anything this boring should violate some kind of law. But since it doesn't, I'll be back to do it again Sunday night.

Nobody blogs on the weekends (which apparently means that the majority of you thieves are using the Internet at your jobs to blog), so these late night posts should last you for a while. What other meaningless drivel can I come up with for my last 13 minutes? Hmm...

Is Susan Sarandon seriously lending her considerable talent to this new Disney (non-animated) movie "Enchanted?" Yuck.

I'm such a fan of Ellen Pompeo marrying a Black man. Does that make me a hypocrite if all I ever do is rant about the white man's woman stealing our men? Ah well... what's a little hypocrisy amongst friends?

I'm taking up Bikrim yoga to lose weight and increase flexibility. Also, I hear that it clears your mind and brings you peace. I hope so because it's kinda hard to find the positive in sweating out my hair three days a week!

I dislike Thanksgiving. Probably because I don't have the whole family gathering thing planned where you travel for a while and then stuff yourself silly at a big ass table that has a paper turkey centerpiece. Maybe I'll actually have meat this year, though. Here's hoping.

When the schedule says that you are supposed to be at work at 7:00 a.m., why aren't you? And why when you DO finally show up do you not apologize for your tardiness? And in fact you lok at me like I'm stupid because there is ONE prescription in the computer for you to fill? As if the 554 that I filled yesterday weren't shit?

WHERE THE HELL IS MY RELIEF????? IT'S 7:09 IN THE GODDAM MORNING!

30 at 30

Thanks, Wise, for the inspiration for this one (clearly it's a slow one here at the pharm). I don't know why I didn't feel compelled to do this when I actually turned 30 two months ago, but whatever... now I've had some time to think about it.

30 Things to Do Now That I'm 30

1. Make friends with an honest-to-God wealthy person. Not rich, not well-off, but wealthy. The kind that take trips to the South of France like I go to The Cheesecake Factory.
...get married and have a baby (or two). It's time.
...go to Midamor in Sedona, Arizona for the full seven day spa package. It's so necessary.
...get down to 175 so I can actually shop again. Besides, everybody knows that big brides are SO unsexy.
...get on the Christmas Oprah's Favorite Things Show. By any means necessary.
...find my biological parent(s)
...buy a house and a car
...grow my hair out again. I was all gung ho about this a few weeks ago and bought a GIGANTOUR bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've taken one. ONE.
...improve my credit score
...pay my Delta dues. I've been slacking since I moved up here.
...go to the strip club with enough money (either mine or someone else's) to get a quality lap dance
...in the spirit of #11, take a strip aerobics class.
13. Finally, FINALLY sign up for salsa lessons
...go to South Africa for a few weeks
...take a spa vacation to Phuket (sp?), Thailand
...take a girlfriends trip to... I don't know, somewhere fabulous
...get Nets courtside tickets
...get back to tithing correctly. EVERY week
19. Improve my relationship with God
...get out of my dad's pocket
..save $10,000
...get that Gucci Signoria watch with the tiger's eye face and the diamond bezel
...go to a movie premiere in New York and walk the red carpet
...get a little more lipo
...finally man up and punch the shit out of at least one of the myriad of people who says dumb shit to me on a daily basis
...have professional pictures taken. PROFESSIONAL. Not Picture People or Sears Portrait Studio. Professional.
...either get over this obsession I have with Beyonce or finally find a way to convince her that she needs a fourth BFF. Back off Solange, Kelly, and Michelle. Seriously.
...meet Lisa Williams. I really want to have a session with her (preferably for free)
...see my friends more
30. Be happy again.

Things That I Be Thinking About

"How do I breathe without you here by my side?" Open your mouth and inhale, then blow it out. Simple as that. Damn, they make shit complicated for the sake of a hot song.

Why is it that grown ass people can't say "condoms?" Or "pregnancy tests?" All night, I get "can you open the cabinet? You know... the CABINET. The one over there that's locked." My dumb ass: "oh you mean the one with the CONDOMS in it? No problem!" **pushing the intercom button** "Could I get the key for the CONDOM cabinet to the pharmacy, please?"

Why do these little young motherfuckers try to hustle me into selling them Plan B without a prescription with no ID? "She's 18, but she doesn't have a license." "She's in the car- she sent me in to get it." And why do they call it everything except what it is? "Do yall got that 'in the morning pill?'" "How much is it for the 'morning pill?'" SIGH. If your little fast asses weren't gettin it in every damn night, you wouldn't need the MORNING AFTER PILL!

It was Keisha it was Sonya it wasTonya it was MONIQUE. It was Neecy it was Kiki... shawty right there is a TEE-YEN TEE-YEN shawty is a TEE-YEN!

Am I the only person in the world who doesn't give a rat's ass that Marques Houston is engaged to that little air-headed girl from "My Wife and Kids?" Or that Fantasia might be pregnant by Young dDro (whoever that is). Or that the plastic surgeon who killed Kanye's mom (yeah- KILLED HER) had an office above a Kinkos and next to a Subway?

Am I lame for going to the special one day only "Beyonce Experience" movie that's only showing in select theatres today? Probably. Oh well.

Can somebody out there hook me up with a reading by Lisa Williams? I am sooooo dying (no pun intended) to meet her. Seriously. I need it in my life.

Am I somehow less Black because I hope Hilary Clinton beats Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination in '08?

Will I ever wake up one day and be really truly content with my life?

Would it be wrong for me to not invite my family to my wedding? Except maybe my dad because I'd look stupid walking down the aisle alone.

Am I ever gonna get the nerve to audition for the church choir? I'm no Crystal Aiken (yall watch "Sunday Best?"), but I can hold a tune.

Is it wrong for me to be so annoyed by someone that it makes me head hurt, but I keep subjecting myself to their presence (albeit via the Internet).

I wish more people read (AND COMMENTED) on my blog. I want 21 comments some day.

Did I sound like as much of a loser as I felt this morning when I was talking to Boris Kodjoe on the phone? He's just so... beautiful.

Enough. My thumbs are tired.

1990-present

Thank you Organized Noise for the inspiration for today's post. He was reminiscing about what kind of person he was in high school. It kinda got me thinking about who I was then and who I am now.

In 1990 I was 13. I was an only child of a mother who spent every waking moment teaching somebody something. I'm talking about those colorful magnetic letters on the fridge, a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf in the playroom, and "educational toys." So I was pretty smart. Five feet eight, 110 pounds, size eleven shoe. Long dark hair that I paid $10 every week to get pressed. Glasses that I only wore in school when I had to read the board. Pre-calculus with the juniors. Advanced geography. Science club, French club, Mayor's Youth Commission, orchestr member. Dance class three times a week. Majorette practice once a week, private lessons on Mondays, three hours in the gym on the weekends. Pageants once every two or three months. Long car trips with my mom with the costumes and dresses in big suitcases, makeup in the pink train case, sponge rollers in my hair, fried chicken wings and brownies wrapped in foil with grape sodas in the cooler in the backseat.

My Lord... I really was a loser. The boys didn't talk to me because I wasn't pretty and I had no shape, so I didn't wear the popular biking shorts and long tshirts (shut up, J). My ears weren't pierced until I turned 15 in the 11th grade. I couldn't wear makeup until that year either, and even then, only Mocha Ice lipstick by Revlon. No acrylic nails. No fancy haircut. No car. No drivers license. No boyfriends. No school dances.

Whew.... I was such a loser. I see now why I'm such a different kind of person. Some things have changed, some haven't. Now I'm six feet tall and I weigh 205. I still wear a size 11 shoe. My hair is now short and I just dyed it black. I have contacts and a relaxer. I have my own car now (albeit a Saturn) and I live on my own. I don't dance anymore. I haven't even been to a pageant, let alone competed in one, in 15 years. I couldn't play a note on the violin or the cello anymore. I still don't have many friends. I'm still pretty smart, but I don't use it. I have a dog and an apartment and a job.

I thought this would be fun, but it's kind of depressing me.

You just said write, you didn't say it had to be any good. So here are 38 things about me that you may or may not want to know.
1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Sister Patterson on I Love New York 2. She's hilarious.
2. What were you doing at 0800? Turning off my alarm.
3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Parking my car.
4. What happened to you in 2006? Lots. Read the blog.
5. What was the last thing you said out loud? "It's okay. That was my fault."
6. How many beverages did you have today? None so far.
7. What color is your hairbrush? I have several. Black, brown, and silver.
8. What was the last thing you paid for? 80 minutes of parking time.
9. Where were you last night? What time? Got off at 10, home by 10:45.
10. What color is your front door? Cream.
11. Where do you keep your change? Everywhere! That's why I couldn't finnd any quarters for the meter this morning!
12. What’s the weather like today? Cold and rainy.
13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Butter pecan, I think.
14. What excites you? Love. And surprises. And FOOD.
15. Do you want to cut your hair? No more cutting. It's growth time now.
16. Are you over the age of 25? Ah yes. I'm 30 :)
17. Do you talk a lot? Too much.
18. Do you watch the O.C.? Um.. I'm Black. There is absolutely nothing for me to identify with on that show. No.
19. Do you know anyone named Steven? Oh Lord. Yes, I do. Sadly. Worst sex of my life.
20. Do you make up your own words? All the time!
21. Are you a jealous person? Uh no. I have a jealousy problem.
22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "M" - Monica.
23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. - Kim
24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Bishop.
25. What does the last text message you received say? "Ah..."
26. Do you chew on your straw? Sometimes.
27. Do you have curly hair? If by curly you mean that beautiful (ha!) thick tangled "curl" that I inherited from some unknown stranger, then yes. But I don't wear it that way.
28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Blomingnails .
29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? Me. Oh dear... me.
30. What was the last thing you ate? A red Tootsie Roll pop.
31. Will you get married in the future? I certainly hope so.
32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? Last 2 weeks? Isn't this the same question? **mumbling in confusion** American Gangster.
33. Is there anyone you like right now? Yes.
34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Two days ago. Dishwasher.
35. Are you currently depressed? Not really depressed, per se. Just in a really funky funk.
36. Did you cry today? Not yet.
37. Why did you answer and post this? Because if I don't post anything soon, people will start removing me from their blogrolls.
38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey. I don't tag people. Do it if you want.

Foodie

Oh my goodness. Turkey sausage and potato souffle. YUMMO! Just discovered that little gem this morning. Bright spot in a gray day. Yeah!

7:59 a.m.

Should I take it as a sign that I am currently sitting in the far left lane of the New Jersey Turnpike just north of exit 12 with a completely empty gas tank? Should I view this as a portent of things to come because I was supposed to be at work at 8:00 a.m. and I ran out of gas at 7:30 a.m.? Is it still a full moon? Did the Daylight Saings Time debacle cause me to run out of gas on my way to work? THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT. And to add insult to injury, I am at a place on the turnpike where someone would have to come PAST me on the other side just to come back on my southbound side. And the northbound side is JAMMED with traffic going to NYC. Oh yeah, and my AAA card is expired. Thanks dad.

Uhhh Ahh...

Oh my! My day just keeps getting more and more giggle-worthy! If you haven't seen the October 29 edition of Jet magazine (I know: who still reads Jet, right?), COP THAT. Turn to page 40, upper righthand corner, dude in the middle. Its your friend and mine, JARROD!! I couldn't ever understand why he was so protective of his personal life and why he got so mad when he saw his face on my blog. **sigh** Alas, young J... your secret is out. Embrace it. I know speaking for myself, women LOVE you guys. Just... well, you know... lay off the sauce long enough to make it through souncheck, okay? And don't forget... my backstage passes BETTER be at will call or there will be some smoke in the city, ya heard? And holla at me if you need me to steam out that yellow blazer for you, 'kay? Ya gotta be sharp for the comeback.

Good Times

Ditterwackley. **tee hee hee** Ditterwacley. **snorkle hahee** Ditterwackley **LMFAO** Whew chile... that was funny. And funnier still because that's actually someone's name. A child. Have mercy.

What up yall????

Thursday Night

Worrrrrd? We're cutting off feet now? And is it me, or did that bitch just punk the SHIT out of Christina? And for God's sake.... HIS DAUGHTER'S HEART?

I simply cannot take it.

1 Hour 12 Minutes

So I think I've contracted E. coli MRSA Salmonella Shigella Pseumonas Staphylococcus and it is raging through my system as we speak. My silly behind got a mushroom swiss Angus burger from McDonalds today for lunch. I took two bites, looked down, and I swear that damn burger looked straight raw. Raw. I thought I would die right here on the floor of the pharmacy. Kids are dying in Connecticut and Virginia from MRSA. E. coli is knocking people down worldwide. And now I have all of it. The package. Tomorrow I will have a fever. I'll be sweating. I'll be on the toilet. And it's all thanks to Mickey D's. I'm suing yall bitches.

Yeah guys! Marsha is back! Fun times.... which brings me to my daily Customer and Question of the Day (I was off yesterday).

The Customer of the Day Award goes to a drive thru genius today. The label on their prescription says "40 capsules. Take one four times a day." Her question? "How often should I take this? (four times) How many days will these last me? (Umm... ten?)

And the winner of the Question of the Day Award... dear Marsha again. "If someone says they faxed a prescription in, would it be on the fax machine?"

2 Hours, 24 Minutes

If you get through this, you're either very interested in me or very bored (like me!).

1. When's the last time you ran? My lazy ass? Please. I can't even remember.
2. Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? Um.... unintentionally, yes.
3. What are you dreading right now? The next 5 hours and 28 minutes at work.
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? I don't know what that means.
5. Do you like Mexican food? Si
6. Favorite ice cream? Maple walnut
7. When was your last doctor's visit? Too long
8. Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? On my days off, definitely. I gets it in!
9. How many pets do you have? One dog
10. "First Loves Are Never Over;" is this true for you? MOST DEFINITELY NOT. He is SO over!
11. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back? The way they were? No. The way I hoped they'd be? Yes.
12. If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would you be wearing? Something decidedly unsexy. Stained tshirt and sweatpants.
13. What's your favorite shirt? I'm pretty unhappy with all my shirts these days. I need to lose weight.
14. Have you ever been on your school's track team? No. No sports.
15. Do you own a pair of Converse? Do they come in a stiletto? Hell no.
16. Where are you at right now? Work
17. Do you eat raw cookie dough? On occasion
18. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? Yes
19. Don't you hate when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? Yes.
20. Do you watch the news? It's on in the morning when I'm getting dressed for work. Watch? Not so much.
21. Do you watch "Trading Spaces?" Not anymore.
22. How do you eat Oreos? I eat the Cakesters. Just bite and chew.
23. Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? Sadly, yes. But it's been a while.
24. Are you cocky? No.
25. Did you have an imaginary friend as a kid? No.
26. What t.v. station do you watch the most? No one channel. I surf.
27. Have you ever seen the ocean? Yes.
28. Have you ever been hospitalized? Not since I was 2
29. What's your favorite brand of root beer? A&W
30. Could you live without a computer? Not happily, but yes.
31. Do you wear your shoes in the house? Yes, but not in my room
32. How many TVs are in your house? 2
33. At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? I don't remember
34. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? House phone, cell phone, Sidekick
35. What do you do when you're sad? Cry
36. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? Bishop
37. Last time you saw your best friend? Wow... I can't remember. I think February.
38. Do you still color in coloring books? If I had one, I would.
39. Can you read music? I used to be able to
40. Who or what sleeps with you? My dog
41. Are you/have you ever been in love? Yes
42. Pancakes or french toast? Depends
43. How do you like your eggs? Scrambled with cheese or boiled with salt and pepper
44. Are you in high school? Only in my mind
45. Is anyone on your bad side right now? Oh yeah.
46. What jewelry are you wearing? Gold hoops and my Bulgari ring
47. What's the first thing you do when you get online? Check my gmail
48. What kind of apples do you like? None unless they're baked in a pie (ooh that soinded SO fat!)
49. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Yes
50. How do most people spell your name? With a "k" instead of a "que"
51. Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? I would and I do
52. Have you ever been in a car accident? Several
53. What shampoo do you use? I don't know what kind my stylist uses. I take Pantene (the one for us) when I go to the Dominicans.
54. Where do you work? Hell.
55. Do you feel guilty when you eat Gummi Bears/Goldfish crackers? I don't.
56. What are you doing tomorrow? Sleeping.
57. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? Nah.
58. Favorite name for a girl? Not giving away my baby names.
59. Favorite name for a boy? See #58.
60. Will you keep your last name when you get married? I'd like to hyphenate.
61. Your favorite restaurant you don't get to eat much at? Mr Chow's.
62. When is the last time you left your house? 7:30 this morning
63. What do you drive? '02 Saturn
64. Do you actually eat Easter Peeps? No, they're kinda nasty.
65. Can you cook? Quite well, thank you!
66. How do you eat your steak? With a knife and fork
67. Do you return your cart? Sometimes
68 Where you at? Dammit, I said work!
69. Do you have a dishwasher? Yes
70. What noise do you hear? "Rock Boys" by Jay Z
71. Who is deleting all the questions? What?
72. Next concert you hope to go to? R Kelly
73. What was the last thing you ate? Ugh.. A mushroom swiss burger from McDonalds (see next post)
74. When was the last time you said I love you and meant it? Night before last
75. Who is the youngest in your family? Jason (I think)
76. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would be most likely to over pack? ME
77. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Yes, but she's wack
78. How many shoes do you own? Too many
79. Do you mind flat soda? Yuck. Yes!
80. When is the last time you ate peanut butter? I put some in some brownies a week or so ago
81. What service is your cell phone? Verizon
82. What's for dinner? Nothing.
83. What's the last thing you purchased? A nasty ass combo from McDonalds
84. Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? I don't have any siblings
85. Where is your cell phone? On the counter
86. Is your phone on vibrate or ring? Ring
87. What brand are your pants right now? Levis
88. Ever been to Georgia? Yes
89. Did you do breakfast this morning? Fiery Habienero Doritos and rasperry Arizona Iced Tea
90. Do you like marshmallows? I could eat one or two
91. What irritates you most on the Internet ? Know it alls who know nothing
92. What brand is your digital camera? Nikon
93. Do you watch movies with your parents? No. I used to.
94. Do you write poetry? Not poetry, no.
95. Is your refrigerator dirty? Yes
96. What song best describes your life right now? I'll get back to you on that
98. Are you taking college classes right now? Nah, done with all that.
99. Do you have Facebook? Yes
100. Do you know how to change a tire? Yes
101. Do you like sushi? Love it
102. Do you get your hair cut every month? Cut? No. Done? Yes, weekly.
103. Do you go online everyday? Yes

Defense's Argument

Okay. I will address this one time and one time only. So pay close attention.

What you see here on this blog is just a GLIMPSE into my life. While it may seem like I get incredibly personal at times, please understand that more is left unsaid than said. Now that being so, any conclusion that you formulate about me as a person based on this blog is strictly your perception. Yes, you are always entitled to your opinions. But please understand that you aren't operating with all of the information.

Now. I love Bishop's daughter. If I didn't love her, I could never love him. If I didn't love her (or at least give a damn), I wouldn't waste a second of my time on her or the sometimes foolish things that she says and does. Only the two of us are there when I'm talking to her about personal hyigene. Taking her to get her hair done. Staying up WAY past her (and my) bedtime after I've worked a 14-hour shift on my feet to make sure she's prepared for a test the next day. Reminding her to watch her calories. Schooling her on what to wear to compliment and not detract from her shape. Taking her to church. Picking her up from dance class. Correcting her misbehavior. Spending money that I don't have so she'll never have to know struggle. The two of us. She and I. Things that my mother did for me. The way she did them.

Her father trusts me to take care of his daughter the way that her mother doesn't seem to be able to. If he didn't, I wouldn't have lasted a day. Now, do I correct her? Yes. Do I occasionally embarrass her? Yep. Do I hurt her feelings sometimes in the name of teaching her a lesson that life wouldn't teach her quite so gently? Hell yes. I am not here to be her friend. I have friends and so does she. I'm here to model how a woman and a lady should live. It doesn't always feel good. It doesn't always sound sweet. She's a child. Not an adult. I do not demean her. I do not condescend to her. I never say anything here that I wouldn't say to her or her father's face. I was not always close to my mother, which you would know if you've been reading from the beginning. But I never, NEVER doubted that she loved me. And as an adult, every harsh word spoken between us has meaning now. Every time that I cried because I felt she was mean or unyielding. She wasn't trying to be my playmate. And it didn't matter one bit to her that I was angry with her. Because she saw what I couldn't: the woman that I could become if I listened and did what she said. If you think parenting a child that you didn't give birth to is easy, I invite you to try it.

This blog has jokes. Funny ones. Jokes that sometimes seem harsh to some who don't know me. But to those who do, you know that I am never snide or mean. Only real and matter of fact. Embrace it or not. But do not judge it. And do not judge me.

Comatose Writing

This store is so slow that I can feel the hairs on my legs growing back. So today and Saturday, expect lots from me. Lots. And to all my fellow bloggers who are NOT going to be at a Homecoming this weekend (like my lame ass), please join me. Let's blog ourselves silly. Please. Or I'll slip into a coma from sheer boredom.

Now, let's see. What can we talk about? Oh yes, my hair. I went yesterday to get it colored and now it is this very lovely (and close to original) shade of chocolate brown. Now before you get all upset H-Town (dammit. THAT'S the name of the group! My brain was on FIYAH trying to remember that one!), let me explain. I'm Adam, you're the rib. We copy off each other. That's what we do. So yes, mine is chocolate too. Anyhoo, Tina put this glaze on top of the color, so now it's all shiny and healthy-looking. Very happy about that. All my grays are covered and my hair that was shaved almost a year ago has now grown down to my chin. YEAH!! Now I can start going back to the Dominicans for a doobie without leaving looking like a Q-Tip! Man... those chicks can really disguise the fact that I haven't had a relaxer in three months!

Moving on... there's this burger joint here called Five Guys. My Lord..... the best cheeseburgers I've had in FOREVER. Tad bit expensive, but hey... I'm a foodie. I discovered it years ago in Northern Virginia, but never saw it again. Praises be.

This man just came in here and his last name is Rimmer. Love it.

Here We Go Again

Dear Readers,

If you have been reading my blog for a while without commenting, that's cool. Not everyone wants to comment. But when you create a profile for yourself just so that you can comment (since you know I don't accept anonymous comments), that's a little weird. And when you do comment, you choose to leave the most uninformed, judgemental, and quite siimply WRONG message, I have to draw the line. So if you don't see your comments, that's why. Don't judge what you don't know, and don't always focus on the negative.

Thanks,
Managemeng

The Beginning of Some Really Stupid Posts

I saw the most beautiful outfit today. Well, not really an outfit. Just a testament to the fact that good outerwear can do WONDERS for a look! This woman in the subway had on this gorgeous chartreuse wool belted coat and some cute little leopard platform shoes with a matching bag. Lovely. Just lovely. Reminds me of the times when I, too, was fabulous for no good reason on a Wednesday morning. **sigh** Never mind what I have on today. It's frumpy.

Being Broke Ain't Sexy

As I type this, I am hustling down Garfield Avenue (no wonder it's so smelly and oppressively humid out here) trying to make it to the Light Rail Station. From there, trying to get to the PATH station so I can then take the subway uptown to 65th Street. I am tired. I am sweating. My hair is swelling. And I'm pissed. Pissed because I don't have the money to just drive my car and pay to park like I normally do. Pissed because I don't have the money secondary to helping someone else out (again). Pissed because people owe me money and aren't paying because even though I've asked for it (repeatedly), they still think I don't need it. Pissed because I didn't know it was going to rain today, so I didn't bring my umbrella. Pissed because I have to pay my rent today (yes, for OCTOBER) which leaves me with pennies in my account. Pissed pissed pissed pissed pissed.

Oh yeah, I'm pissed.

And Then...

Aha! You (and by "you" I mean Jameil's bully ass) thought that the days of the multiple posts were done. Nope. I had to blog about this because this shit kinda stuck me under the ribs.

I texted a friend of mine some typically ignorant shit that we frequently exchange. He responded and then I had something to say that required him to actually hear my voice. So I call him. When he answers, I laugh and say what I called to say. He lets out this deep sigh and says, "I'm at a get together, can I call you back?" You know: like I'm bothering him or something. So I laugh (thinking he's joking), and I say, "it doesn't SOUND like you're at a get together!" Another deep sigh and then, "It's a one-on-one get together. Now can I call you back?" As if I'm slow or something. Nigga call that shit a date!!

**Err????**

I must've gotten it twisted. I called. You answered. Silly me for thinking you were available to talk. And did you just play me in front of company? Okay. **clicking my tongue against the roof of my mouf and adjusting my bamboo earrings** I see how it be.

Oscar Time, Baby!

I am starting something new. So, from now on, every day that I work, I will be presenting you with the Customer of the Day and the Question of the Day. So... for the inaugural presentation of these awards, I give you:

Marsha who has provided us with today's Question of the Day. There were two prescriptions ready for a patient. Attached to the bag was a note that I'd written in bright red Sharpie. The note said, "don't forget to charge patient for the over-the-counter meds inside the bag." Here's our friend Marsha: "what does 'don't forget to charge patient for over-the-counter meds inside the bag' mean?"

And for the Customer of the Day (who ALMOST won a dual prize for Customer and Question of the Day) is Mrs. I Am An Idiot. She actually called the pharmacy and said, "I was told that the pharmacist would know whether or not New Jersey has fluoride in the water."

Stop Me If You've Heard These Before

'If I'm on amoxicillin, should I take this new prescription for penicillin?"
"Does the second doctor who wrote the penicillin rx know you're already taking amoxicillin?"
"I don't know."
**Sigh.**

The prescription says: Dispense 210 mL. Give 10 mL every 8 hours until gone.
Okay, so... the available choices are 80 mL bottles and 100 mL bottles. Would it be smarter to give two 100 mL bottles and shortchange them a dose or give three 80 mL bottles and they'll have extra?
Um.....

"I need you to call my doctor for a prescription."
"What medication do you need?
"I don't know. Something for cold sores."
What's your doctor's number?"
"Not sure. Couldn't you call information?"
**grumbling madly**

"I need to refill my prescription."
"Okay what's the prescription number?"
"I don't know."
"Okay, what's your name?" (they tell me) "Which medication do you need?"
"The white round pill."
**falling toward the floor in sheer exasperation**

"What time do you want to pick up your prescription?"
"What time do you close?"
"10."
"TEN? You can't do it any earlier?"
**hitting my head on the safe. Repeatedly. Very hard**

Hell to the Naw

Oh hell naw. Do these dumbasses REALLY expect me to be okay with the concept that Nikolas killed Letitia? NIKOLAS CASSADINE? Riiiiiiiiight. And this tomfoolery where they're trying to integrate what happened on that bullshit "Night Shift" with the regular GH plot lines...

I just can't.

Randoms at Work

Uh... pregunta... Aqui ahora hola poquito receta gracias porque la pharmaceltico esta muy stupido. No comprende.
Yeah, dig that. That's been my day today. Can somebody mix that shit with Biggie **it was all a dream** so maybe, just MAYBE I can understand what the HELL these people are saying? Muchas gracias and de nada to you too.

Ahhhhh... I get off in three hours and 34 minutes. I am soooooo tired that I'm liable to give Oxycontin out as Tylenol and not even notice until Tuesday. Last night Bishop and I went to see Mo'Nique in New Brunswick. That woman is ridiculously funny. I was bent out of shape because I left my camera at home and she was taking pictures in the lobby after the show. Boo hiss. No photo for me. Then we went to the city for dinner, but we had to drive around for (no lie) 45 minutes trying to find a parking space. We paid $23 to park in a garage only to walk down the street where the restaurant was and find no less than 10 empty spaces. Curses. But the food was good- I highly recommend Sushi Samba on the LES if you're ever in the area.

LMAO. This guy just came in for his medicine. Oh I had the best chuckle!! Bibliotheca lina hablo espanol. T cells. Juevos rancheros taquitos burritos churros. Crowds. Medicina cuanto direcion anos. Very tall. He was so funny to me!!! And gay. So deliciously gay. **stage whispers** I love my job sometimes.

Anybody heard that new Ashanti? And why does everyone EXCEPT her realize that she can't sing? And the new "Til the End of Time" by Justin Timberlake remix featuring Beyonce? Growing on me. Like a slow mold.

And did I mention that they are having the Union City equivalent of Carnivale today on the street where my store is? From 1st to 90th Street. Every conceivable ethnicity that speaks Spanish (or one of its derivatives) screaming dancing frolicking waving habloing down the street. Honduran. Ecuadorian. Venezuelan. Brazilian. Peruvian. Colombian. Mexican. Dominican. Puerto Rican. Cuban. All of them. At the same time. Right now. For the next God knows how many hours. **sigh** I get off at 6. Is it too much to ask that they stop the parade long enough for me to get my car out? Muchas gracias.

And is that "Cool It Now" on the radio?

Ahhhhh...

Whilst I realize that we as Pirates encountered a minor setback last weekend by the name of Delaware State, I am ecstatic to announce that we have bounced back.

Hampton University 48 Princeton University 27. 34 unanswered points in the second half. Oh how I love to be a Pirate!!!

My life is so boring these days. Nothing going on, so nothing to post. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not, so hey- suck it up.

I watched "Sunday Best" last night on BET. Anybody else see that? Kinda like "American Idol" meets "Bobby Jones Gospel Hour." Whew... I can only imagine how much fried cihcken and aluminum foil were present in those parking lots! There was this one guy who wrote his own rap (refreshing after 3 million renditions of "I Need You Now" and "Reason Why I Sing"), but the hook? "Who's your daddy? JESUS!" Not so much. And Kirk Franklin was the Ryan Seacrest equivalent. **sigh**

I saw "Knocked Up" yesterday. I REALLY wanted it to be funnier. Everyone was raving about the guy from "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," but I just thought he was lame. And his friends/roommates? Loo-loo-loo-losers. To the third power. I thought if I had to look at Katherine Heigl's fake pregnant belly with it's painted on stretch marks any more, I would vomit. So I did.

Bought the new Keyshia Cole and Jill Scott CD's last week. Short and short. But both worth my $11.99. Not too much more to say about that.

If it's 6:02 p.m. and you see me with my purse on my shoulder pulling the gate closed around the pharmacy with sweat pouring down my face, then yes, we are closed. And no, you cannot get "some" of your wife's pills until tomorrow. We're closed. Yes, I'm sure. No, I can't reset the alarm and re-open the gate for her thyroid medicine. I've only been here since 9 a.m. This pharmacy closes EVERY Sunday at 6 p.m. So no surprise, right? Now (say it with me): BEAT IT. And take your wife's thyroid with you.

I watched... I forget what iit was called... but some special on BET about Juanita Bynum. She has a very interesting story. I really only started paying close attention when that whole situation went down with her husband. But she really does have an interesting story. And her speaking ability is amazing- women love her.

Lastly, I was just getting ready to hit "publish post" when Emani walked in the house. She said that the man downstairs just stopped her on her way in and asked her whether this was her dog upstairs on the balcony. He starts yelling that the dog has been "shitting" on his balcony and he wanted something done about it. What?? The dog has a cage, so this guy is full of it. So you know me... always bout it... I go down there. Now we all know that getting things accomplished sometimes involves telling a few lies. So when this ass comes to the door, I say "I understand that you approached my daughter bout her dog. First of all, 'shit' is profanity. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't speak to my daughter in that way. Second of all, she is a child. So if you ever have a problem with something that goes on in 631, you need to speak with my husband or me. Now I'll tell him that you had some concerns, but I can assure you that he will not be pleased when he hears about how you spoke to our daughter. So I'm sure he'll be down just as soon as he gets home, okay? Have a good one." Akbar. Dammit.

"Losers always go home and whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen." Love it. Best movie ever.

Who Am I, Part Deux

So I'm 30. Yeah, rah rah. And as a belated birthday gift (I guess), I get this in the mail... an official record of final adoption decree. Official. On some old school carbon paper typed on a typewriter. With a judge's signature. In blue ink.

Okay. So Nosey McNosey dials 411 and gets a phone number for the attorney listed on the form. He calls me back, and after I explained the situation, he said that he no longer had records from that far back. **sigh** Great. Okay, so I called the circuit court and they were able to find my actual file **gasp** BUT... IT'S SEALED. So now I have to get a court order to have it unsealed so I can find out what chickenhead woman gave birth to my crazy ass.

Damn the bureaucracy!

Well We're Movin On Up

Well... if 30 is the new 20, then what's 37? Ah, who cares? Anyway... I have resorted to being one of the those people who doesn't blog but once in a blue moon. They just post the occasional photograph of how they're spending their lives and hope that it'll be enough for the blogger bullies. **sigh** Well, screw it. Here are a few shots of how I spent Sunday night. It was the 40th anniversary of my church, and we had a formal dinner with Vickie Winans. Yall know how we love getting dressed up to go somewhere :) Enjoy.

The Bishop in his Sunday best

30**yawn**Y.O.

This does not bode well. 12:44 a.m. and only two phone calls, one blog comment.

Not well at all.

Mother's Day

Not long ago, a fellow blogger said something that resonated with me. I don't remember who it was (I'm sorry!), but know that I got this from you.

Today is my Mother's Day. September 18. Four years ago today I started a journey that I didn't know I needed to take. A journey of self reliance, responsibility, and maturity. I wish that that there had been more than one set of footprints in the sand of that journey. Just one more set of narrow size 8's to steer me in the right direction. But that's not how I was meant to travel. So... here I am, four years later.

Seems like yesterday that I opened my eyes to that gloomy, windy, rain-soaked morning. Yesterday when, for the slightest instant, I convinced myself that the preceding year had been a terrible dream. Yesterday too when I realized that it had not in fact been a dream. Yesterday when I closed my eyes whole and opened them incomplete. But it wasn't yesterday.

2003. 2007. Four days before my birthday. The day my life changed forever. But this year there's a tiny bit of hope in Mother's Day. I'm almost 30. Didn't think I would make it here after that day. But I did. And she knew I would.

Happy Mother's Day.

**Ahem**

Dear Blogger Family,

Hear ye, hear ye: five more days until my 30th birthday!!!!!!! While I realize that it is shameless begging for me to solicit happy birthday wishes, can you guys see to it that I get at least one **in my teensy tiny whiny voice**??

Thanks,
Management

Wedding Bells

Oh dear... I find myself slipping into that oblivion again where I'm not blogging for days at a time. Well, I went to a wedding this weekend of a family friend, and I KNOW how much you guys love weddings (well, I know how much Jameil loves weddings!), so... here are a few pictures of the experience. And yes, Blogger Bully, I DO realize that this is not acceptable to take the place of what you would call a REAL blog entry. But I'm working tonight, tomorrow, and Wednesday night, so you're bound to get something out of that, okay? Smooches!!!

I just love sepia photographs... they make me feel so sophisticated! This is a shot of me and Bishop at the cocktail hour before the reception


Oh yall know this stunner... I went TO WORK on this one!!!


Yes, yes... that is the taco meat of one, Carl "Summer Rain" Thomas

Read A Book

Raise your kid, raise your kids, raise your goddam kids, though??? Wear deoderant, nigga? It's called Speadstick, it's not expensive? I'm sorry Stace, but I had heard about this and just couldn't resist posting it on my blog too in the event that one person might not have seen it on yours.

**sigh**

And that is all.

WOW!!!!!!

Can someone PLEASE tell me how to post a video link to this blog because I have something that you ABSOLUTELY must see in order to take another breath. My linesister emailed it to me and it is in the format of holdinitdown.wmv so I can see it via Windows Media.

Maybe if you just open your Internet browser and type that in, you'll be able to watch it too.

It will make your LIFE!!!!

Louis Vuitton Luggage

"It's not fair that you met a person like me."

I agree. I've had enough bad stuff in my life. I don't want to argue anymore. I don't want to yell anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. And to be honest, your baggage is a little heavy for me.

Sigh

Not fired. Just severely chastised. And reprimanded. And all that. Had to sign some stupid counseling card. Remembered that becoming a floater means forfeiting my $5/hour night differential. And it means decreasing my base hours from 42 to 30 per week.

Anybody know a legal side hustle??

Dun dun... Dun Dun... Dundundundundun....

(That's the theme song to Jaws, for those of you who were puzzled!)

I am sitting in one of those comfortable little blue chairs that I'm forbidden to sit in while I'm working. Like a student sent to the principal's office, I've been told that my supervisor "is busy," and that I should "wait in the chairs by the pharmacy." Okay, I guess I got the time of our meeting mixed up. It's cool.

Meanwhile I'll just sit here and reflect on my wrongdoings. Why is it that before every meeting with her, I feel the sudden and overwhelming desire to flee? I guess it's because this time, I'm supposed to meet with her and her boss. Why, you ask? No idea. If the decision has already been made to grant my request and take me off the nightshift, then why do I have to be double teamed to officially get the news? Is it because I'm getting the same treatment that the other pharmacist in my store got (she came in one day after 9 years and learned that she was being replaced)? Because if you're completely replacing me and I'm not being given an alternative placement, couldn't you just tell me that? Why all the fanfare? "Bitch, you're fired." See how easy that was?

**sigh**

I really hate to admit this, but these white people have me shook. I'm just remembering all of the little policy violations I've participated in over the last three months and wondering if they are fire-worthy. Dammit! I hate being a grown ass woman and feeling like I'm in trouble with someone! Twelve more minutes (that is if they plan to start this little Spanish Inquisition on time). More coming......

This is SO Long Overdue

I wanted to write you a thank you note. But not the usual "thanks so much for the stained glass portrait of our heavenly Father that is now comfortably nestled in my storage unit between the gift card from Claire's and the cable knit sweater that my best friend's grandmother knitted me for my 21st birthday" kind of thank you. The kind that you look at and really realize (hopefully) that you have made a difference in someone's life somehow. Now I can just picture you squirming in your seat at the idea that I'm about to allow even a little peek into the real you because you don't want people to know that you really are a nice guy. And I KNOW that you are cursing at the idea of me putting your government name out into the blogosphere for public consumption. But man up. This one goes out to you, Jarrod M.M.

Thank you for being my opposition. You say black when I say white. You say up when I say down. You say no when I say yes (well.... you don't actually say no....).

Thank you for being my challenge. I have learned that I cannot change you. And that I shouldn't want to. That you are just fine the way that you are. But you require me to ask the really tough questions of myself and you encourage me to be brave enough to hear the answers. You judge me sometimes. But I don't care what anyone says: that shit is necessary sometimes.

Thank you for asking me for another picture. Thank you for putting my nuber back in your phone. Thank you for singing "Get Me Bodied" to me when I was sick. Thank you for staying on the phone with me when that lady called me a "fucking bitch" and helping me to allow her to stay alive to tell the story to her goddam countrymen in her motherfucking language (woosahhhhh). Thank you for reminding me that I am not always right. Not even half the time. Hell, not even some of the time. Thank you for reminding me how old I am. Every day. Several times a day. Thank you for asking me when we were going on our first date. For not quitting when I didn't answer your calls. For saying "hi." For ironing your shirt on a borrowed ironing board. For being on time. For walking me to my car. For finally saying it. And meaning it. "The Mack." "The Boondocks." "New Jack City." Dave Chapelle. Chapel Hill. Carrot cake at Red Star. The Cheesecake Factory (oh yeah, that's right. That was the baby.). Lady of Rage. Jenny from the Block. Township. Hampton. Newport News. Norfolk. 2005. 2006. 2007.

Thank you for being the laughter of my life. And (you're really gonna hate this part): I love you.

I Just.... I Just Can't

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2mdbu_deelishisrumpshaker_music

That is all.

Let Freedom Ring

So... today I didn't sleep because I was waiting for a meeting with my supervisor that never took place. I got to work and found the technicians gossiping about this guy who will be taking over my job in two weeks. PARDON??? You said two weeks? MY job? The one that they pay ME to do? Riiiiiight.

So I call the pharmacy manager to ask her about it (the gossipers said the news came straight from her). Mind you, we'd just had this conversation a few days ago and she'd vehemently denied knowing anything about it. So again, she says (in her UBER thick, Staten Island accent), "no, Monique. I swear I haven't heard anything about replacing you!" I sighed deeply and closed my eyes against the steadily advancing migraine.

At that very moment, I decided to call in sick tomorrow. If I have to wait until next week to find out my future with the company, then I deserve a day off. So I call my scheduler and tell him that I need him to find coverage for tomorrow night. He says he'll start making calls. No less than five minutes later, the phone rings and it's -----, my supervisor.

"Hey, it's me, ----"

"Hey."

"Listen, I just got a call about you needing coverage for tomorrow night, and I gotta be honest with you. It doesn't look too good. But I promise we'll try to find somebody, and I will get back to you."

"Okay. Well in the meantime, are you considering so-and-so for my job?"

**yeah, like that. Straightforward and to the point. How YOU doin?**

So she pauses and then says yes. Then she hurries on to explain. The bottom line is that he just passed his exams but there is a problem with his paperwork, so he doesn't have a license number. As soon as he does, they want to train him for a week and then start him on nights at this store. Monday, September 3. And then I will be a floater. Riiiiiiiiight.

So don't you think it would've been nice for someone (other than the techs) to tell me that my job was no longer MY job? Never mind that I got what I wanted which is to get off nights. That is some shady shit!! So what, I would've gotten a call at the end of my week of telling me not to worry about coming in Monday night, but instead to report to parts unknown Monday morning? Nice. Ball-less corporate bitches. They were just afraid that if they told me too soon, I would quit and they wouldn't have a replacement.

Fuck it. Freedommmmmmmmm! Freeeedom! **channeling my inner Aretha**

Dear-----, pt. 2

Dear ---- ,
I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for standing me up today. Even though I didn't sleep because I was waiting for your call, I do appreciate the fact that you were gossiping about me in my absence. I especially love the part where you set up a meeting for us for next Wednesday without talking to me first to check my availability. I apologize for already having plans for my day on my week off. At any rate, just wanted to say thanks... for nothing!!!

Professionally,
MSW, Pharm.D.

30 Days to 30

First of all, a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most petite (I think) member of my blog la lamilia.... JAMEIL!!!!! Bon aniversaire, m'amie (rusty, but I think that's right).

But more importantly (I jest!).... today begins the annual countdown to the big day. But this year is different... 30 days to big 3-0!!!! I realize that I'm WAY too excited for most of you to handle, but what can I say? I'm excited **jumping up and down**

Yesterday I finally got a response to my email from my district supervisor. We're supposed to talk this afternoon, so.... I'm holding strong, yall. Stay tuned.

Dear :

Dear :
I just wanted to take a moment to touch base with you. I know that we spoke previously about me switching from overnights to days, and in light of the 2007 graduates getting licensed, I was wondering if this would be an opportune time to revisit that change. I know that my store has had some challenges and that perhaps my transition to overnight pharmacist here hasn't been as smooth as it could be. I learn quickly and am dedicated to the improvement of our store's triple S status; however, I am not sure that my skills are being fully utilized here. With the impending changes in my own life as well as those here at 905, I just feel that the responsibilities and demands of the night shift might better be addressed by someone else. I have never been one to walk away from a challenge, and I hope you know how much I appreciate your initial confidence in offering me this opportunity. While working nights has allowed me to better learn the operational side of the store, it has had a less positive impact on my lifestyle and relationships.

If the opportunity still exists to work in the district as a full-time floater or if there is any store who needs a full-time pharmacist, I would love to discuss that with you. If you are fully staffe, then dI am also open to floating/working permanently in an adjacent district.

Please feel free to call me during the day whenever you have a moment.

Thanks!!

Better Late Than Never, I Guess

While I am FULLY aware of how belated this, I am also aware of the fact that I made a promise. So... as promised, here are two pictures of the infamous tattoo that Bishop said I couldn't handle, so I did it anyway **I showed him!**

I was good...

And then I wasn't!

The end
**How much do you love those love handles, though??????????**

Since When Does "We" Mean "Me?"

I am a hostage in my own home. The home where I pay an UNGODLY amount of money per month to live. Hostage.

So I'm in my room with the door closed and all I can hear is the sound of packing tape wrapping up my living room. Oh yeah, and HIM. I can hear HIM directing the Mexican moving crew. Guess what I don't hear, though? Better yet, guess WHO I don't hear? His dad. Oh yeah, blog family, this motherfucker came up in here by his DAMN self!!! Alone. Solo. Sans si padre. By himself. So it's him and me. In my house. Two people who used to love each other separated by two years and a bedroom door.

I can't even speak in complete sentences, I am so mad. What if Bishop were here? He has a key to my place. How would it look if he came walking in to find my unbelievably dense exboyfriend traipsing through my place? Crazy, that's how.

Well, he just shouted through the door that they're done (damn, in and out in 15 minutes! I need the number to that moving company!), and I am refusing to come out. Hope he got an eyeful of all of Bishop's pictures placed strategically throughout the house :) Fucking bastard.

"FYI" Will Get You Stabbed in the Streets, Boy

"FYI, we will be there around 8."

**the fuck??**

Did you not hear me when I said I didn't want you in my house? Did your stint in medical school exclude interpersonal communication and understanding? "FYI," though? Word?

I say that I want him to wait until I get home to come inside because I can't guarantee that the dog will be gone by then. So he says, "well isn't Stone in a cage?" NO THE FUCK HE IS NOT IN A GODDAM CAGE? Why would I leave my 70-pound, almost 4-year-old dog in a cage while I work 12 hours? OVeRNIGHT?? Who am I? Michael Motherfucking Vick?

So I very patiently explain to him (all this is taking place via nigga technology: text messages) that I just don't feel comfortable with him in my house when I'm not there. So cool your jets outside. I'll be there when I get there. But know this: your girl is ON FIRE. For real. He really doesn't seem to understand what I'm saying. Please understand the words that are coming out of my mouth: I do not want you and your nigger essence (please send all complaints to Uncle Ruckus at The Boondocks, NOT ME) in my environment.

DAMMIT.

I am AFLAME. Pray for his life.

Fistfight Friday

Back story: I live in a condo that I rent from my girlfriend. We're friends because I used to be in a serious relationship with her brother. Lost him, kept her. Haven't seen him since her wedding last summer. We're talking again and finally getting our old friendship back, but I am finally over my romantic feelings for him. Now his sister and her husband bought a new house and are sending some movers over on Friday to get some of her stuff from my place. The agreement was that her father (who's here because she just had her first baby this week) and the movers would be at my place between 8:30 and 9 a.m. Straight?

Well, last night ex-bf and I were talking on the phone about the new baby when he says, "you know we'll be there Friday, right?"

**silence**

When I regained my voice, I said, "we who?" and he said, "me, my dad, and the movers."

**silence**

Why are you coming to my house? If your sister is paying movers, why do you AND your dad need to be present? Did I ask why you're coming to my house? Who said that was okay? And who was gonna tell me?

**wahhhhhhhh!!!**

I don't want you here! I haven't seen you since last June! Bishop has a key to my house... what if he were there sleeping and you just waltzed your ex-boyfriend ass through the door? He would think that I knew all along and didn't tell him. I know that's what I would think! And he isn't too keen on you anyway. Laugh if you want, but you don't want it with him, I PROMISE. But besides all that: I don't want you in my space. In my home. In my face.

So I asked him not to come. Was that wrong?

More Pharmacy Follies

Its no secret that I'm looking to leave CVS. And since I've decided to both pray on it AND act proactively, I have formulated a list of things that I would like to do and/or say on my last day/night here. Interested? Good...

1. "Hell no I will not page your doctor at 10:30 p.m. because you need a refill on your birth control pills. Shoulda stayed more on top of that pill pack instead of that man! Now beat it."
2. "You seriously think that I'm a racist? Well, hold on... let me dust off my Klan hood and REALLY give your little ass a show!"
3. "What? A complaint? My supervisor? Supervise DESE NUTS!!!!"
4. "Wipe down all countertops and vacuum the floors? Take out the trrash? Um... you did get the memo, right? Ms. Celie wasn't really REAL. That was a movie."
5. Just because your brilliant powers of deduction have told you that I got a new weave doesn't mean you have to work the word "weave" into EVERY goddam conversation we have. FUCK!!!!
6. "Why is the drive thru closed? To encourage lazy motherfuckers like YOU to get out of the car and walk 100 feet into the pharmacy to get your weight loss prescription. Orka. Now drive your ass on THRU!!!!"
7. Mix all the different strengths of Percocet into one pretty rainbow-colored bowl and dispense from that.
8. Hold a Viagra/Levitra/Cialis auction in the parking lot.
9. Tip over every shelf in the pharmacy, thereby forcing the staff to ACTUALLY alphabetize zolpidem under "Z" instead of "A" for Ambien.
10. No the fuck you wouldn't get your prescription any faster if Jennifer was here. Yes, someone is working back here and will be with you just after she finishes helping the FIVE other people who are ahead of you. And NO you CANNOT have "just two tabs" until we fill your prescription because you're running late for work. Now BEAT IT!!!! Thank you, you're the best!

TMI Tuesday (on Thursday)

Forgive me, bloggers, for I have sinned. It has been 8 days since my last post. My penance? More unsolicited information about my life, courtesy of Organized Noise (just paid my cable bill, so next time I'll be able to link that up for ya!).

1. What is the worst/corniest pick up line someone has used on you and/or you used?
Honestly, guys don't try to pick me up, so... I couldn't say.

2. Have you ever gone out on a date with someone and went home with someone else? Explain.
Not a date. But I did go to a party back in '99 with one person and when we found out it was cancelled, I ended up going home with someone else (the now infamous ex bf).

3. What is the worst thing (spread a rumor, hook up with their SO, etc...) that you did to a friend? Did they do anything to deserve it?
I'm good to my friends... always.

4. What is your favorite sex scene in a regular movie (not porn)? Why?
Jada and Blair in "Set It Off," Jada and Allen in "Jason's Lyric" (the scene outside in that field), Sanaa and Wesley in some HBO film (I think) I saw once where he had her pushed up against the refrigerator... **whew!!**

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? What would you change on your SO?
Physically I would bring my hair back to its original length. In terms of my personality... I would be more trusting. For Bishop... I would make him an inch or so taller. And I would make him more sensitive.

Bonus (as in optional): What countries, other than your own, have you had sex in? Was it someone on the trip with you? Someone from that country?
Puerto Rico. Just Puerto Rico. **sigh** I'm so lame.

Way TMI Wednesday

Way TMI Wednesday - The "No Sex" Edition

Since I never post these until Wednesdays, I both stole it AND changed the name! Way TMI Wednesday doesn't have much to do with sex today. Enjoy and feel free to answer these yourself.

1. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?
Over. It just seems weird to me if its over. Sometimes, I'll change it and make it under.

2. Toilet when you are done: everything up, seat down but lid up, everything down?
Seat down, lid up. I always forget the lid.

3. When was the last time you kissed someone not your significant other? [I am talking about a kiss with some gusto not just a little hello or goodbye peck]
That would have to be some time in the beginning of November.

4. Would you rather have your significant other (this can be a hypothetical S.O.) have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]
I would say have sex with someone. If he fell in love with someone else there's probably no way I would be able to keep him. Love is a powerful thing.

5. If you had $1,000,000 to give away, how would you divide it up? Who and how much?
Let's see, assuming it was $1,000,000 AFTER taxes, the split would go like this:
10% of the PRE-TAX amount to the church. Tithing always comes first.
$150,000 for college fund for the stepdaughter
$150,000 for my student loans
$400,000 down towards our dream house
$150,000 for cars for both of us
$150,000 to invest

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us something that very few people know about you.
I'm not that interesting, so... okay. Here's one: I've had a sexual experience with a woman.

Oh and One More Thing...

I can't believe I left these off of my list... oh, and Wise (I think it was), the sad part is that I HAVE said one of these in the last 24 hours! Here we go...

If you ask me what time I'll have your prescription ready and I say "one hour," DO NOT ask me whether I think I can have it done any sooner. NO!!!!!! Otherwise I would've said sooner. Now beat it :)

"Compounds are done overnight, sir, so you'll have to get this in the morning." "So I can't wait for it? My child really has a bad diaper rash?" NOOOOO! OVERNIGHT. As in 3 a.m. As in NOT NOW. Do the 27 very irritated-looking people in front of you appear as if thy want to wait while I compound your child's diaper rash cream? **deep sigh**

Patient presents with two prescriptions, one antibiotic and one for the pain. And so he says, "Which one of these is for pain? Okay, gimme that one, then. I'll just wait on that other." Meanwhile, that chlamydia just kees on ragin.

"Is this CVS brand allergy relief the same as Benadryl?" (all said while carefully perusing the box that clearly states "same active ingredient as Benadryl")

"I'm sorry ma'am, but your doctor denied your request for more refills." "Well can't you just give me a couple to last me?"

Things I Be Wantin to Say When I'm Working the Overnight

Quit bitching! If you want to file a complaint, here's a card with my name on it. Now beat it!

If you're bringing in a prescription to be filled, that's "dropping off." So stand at the window that says "drop off," not "consultation."

Just because you're waiting in the store doesn't mean you have to stand in front of me and glare. FYI, that makes me move slower.

If the sign says, "please come inside," then bitch COME INSIDE!!!! Don't sit in the drive thru, you won't get helped!

If I'm texter 96 and 98 and you're looking for 97, just give me the damn tickets, PLEASE!!

You stink. Please don't stand so close to me.

You're fired. Now go tell your little terrorist friends that shit in your language!

It's GENERIC not GENETIC! And for the 365,396th time, YES it's the same!

YES someone is back here! You don't have to run up front and tattle to the night shift supervisor because you walked up and didn't see me in the first three seconds. Snitch.

No, we do not have methadone 10 mg #360. At least not for you. And not tonight. So beat it. Now.

Yes I'm reading a book. Yes it's "Roots." Yes it's good. No I'm not planning an uprising. And no, I haven't seen the movie.

I WANT SOME BEYONCE TICKETS!!!!!!!