I Made the Wrong Choice

The music is loud, there's a red cup in everybody's hand, and the house is packed... I guess that's the standard definition of a "good party." I came here with one guy, but I haven't seen him since we walked in the door. I just feel... pulled toward another. This is the guy I'm attracted to, this is the guy I want to be with. I don't know his name and I never see his face, but I just... I just know. I can see my date's head across the room watching me intently, but I just turn my body and occupy myself with something else, someone else. He'll be fine. It's a party.

I'm outside- it's a beautiful afternoon, and I am turning the corner to go to my car. I'm by myself; I haven't seen my date in hours, and even though I know there's another guy, I don't see him either. As I'm walking across the lawn and down the driveway, I stop short. There's this... this feeling. This really intense, heavy, pressure in the middle of my chest. Suddenly I am overcome with this genuine, absolute certainty. The certainty that I have made a mistake. Something is wrong. I have to find him, I have to explain. He has to know. I made the wrong choice.

I immediately turned around and walked toward the backyard to find him. My date... I needed to talk to him. I see him in the midst of a large group of friends, dancing with three girls. He is smiling, laughing, being his usual, gregarious self. Everybody loves him, he makes people smile. As I get closer, I see his friends eyeing me, but I ignore them. "Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?" "Nah, I'm busy." And he turns his back to me and keeps dancing. The closest girl to me tosses her hair back over her shoulder as she looks me, a momentary look of pity on her face. The friends give me that "damn, shawty" look- you know the one. The one where people are embarrassed for you, but not so much that they don't appreciate and approve of the fact that you just got played. "Please, just for a second. I have something to tell you." he looks at me for the briefest of seconds and sighs. "Fine. Just let me finish here." I continue to stand on the sidelines of their mini party, watching while the girls laugh and dance; watching while the friends studiously ignore me and simultaneously egg him on. The song finally ends, and he walks towards me like he'd rather be doing anything else.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I know that how I have treated you today is wrong. We came here together, and I haven't said a word to you since we walked in the door. I know you've seen me with him, I know I have hurt you. I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. He's not the one I want, he's not the one I love. I made the wrong choice. Please can I have another chance?" The entire time I am speaking, he is looking directly into my eyes, absorbing every word that I am saying. He didn't want to talk to me, but he can't bring himself to walk away either. When I ask the question, he opens his mouth and...

I wake up.

I'm not crying, but I feel close to tears. The room is dark, it must be about 4 or 5 in the morning. Stone is sleeping at the foot of the bed- completely oblivious to my situation. Just like in my dream, there's this... this weight on my chest, this heaviness on my being. It's like... is this heartache? Is this what people mean when they write about heartache in love songs and sappy movies? I don't think I have ever felt this before. Sure, I've been in love, and ABSOLUTELY I have cried myself to death over the end of a relationship. But I have never felt this... this FEELING. Like I made the wrong choice. I haven't done anything wrong, I don't think I have hurt him- well, that's not true. I think I did hurt him, but that was a long time ago, and we've talked through all that. But it's like.... hmm... if you watch Deal or No Deal, you know the part at the very end where there are only two cases left, and Howie gives the contestant the choice to ride out with their original case or switch with the one that's on the stage with the model. The contestant decides to keep her case, and when they open the one on the stage, it has the million dollars. And hers has the penny. One measly penny. One cent. And she had the choice to switch that would've given her one million dollars. Of course there was no way she could have known. No way she could have realized that all she had to do was make a different choice, and she would have her dream. Well, that's how I feel... I made the wrong choice.

So now what do I do? Because the choice is no longer mine alone. I need another chance. I need him to ask me the same question that he asked me a long time ago- if you didn't have him, would you want to be with me? And I need to ask him the same question he asked me- if he decided that he really did want to be with me, would I have him? Because the answer to my question is yes. I said no before, I said it was too late. But I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong. There are some less than ideal circumstances- no, there is ONE less than ideal circumstance. But it is what it is, and it doesn't have to matter. I made the wrong choice once. So... can I have another chance?

Once again I have ripped somebody off for this, but it was THE MOST entertaining thing I have seen all week- which is saying alot considering how much television I watch! The best parts were about cross-dressing Mayor Giuliani, Barack Steve Obama, and any and ALL digs at Senator McCain. LOOOOOOOVE this man!

• Beyoncé
• New Music

Honesty is the Key

So this is where I get crunked up about being nominated for this shiny little award (see above), otherwise known as the Honest Blogger Award. I used to be honest, hell I used to tell yall everything. But since niggas started finding me on the web and throwing vases at my shit (I'll bust the windows out yo' carrrrrrrr!), I had to dial it back a bit. Well, at any rate, the lovely La is responsible for this nomination, so..... damn
thank you. I would post a picture of her (according to the optional portion of the rules), but then we would no longer be friends and Bob would whip my ass, so.... alas, here we are.

First I'll tell some of my business, then we'll pass the torch to someone else.

1. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Set it up, and I'm in.

2. Walking 2 miles in 36 hours let me know that I am far from being the loser I was starting to think I was. Now if I could just make that feeling last...

3. I want to quit my job more than anything in the world, but have ABSOLUTELY no means to make that happen.

4. I may or may not be a cornball. Case in point? I left a lipstick message on a boy's mirror and kissed it. **sigh** I'm sooooooooo far gone.


**this has stopped being fun because now I just feel silly... we're done here**

I have really been slacking on this blog joint lately, so the idea of choosing seven people to receive this illustrious award is a bit mind-bending. Plus La stole at least two of my choices (yes, we are TOTALLY wrong for hoping for the expose), so here are my nominations:

Jarrod... that is if he is even still blogging. Something about his blog outliving its usefulness and all that... so if you're still here, tag, you're it.

Adei because she's pure comedy and besides, I keep hoping for more scoop from her pharmacy days :)

I got nothing else... this was strictly out of obligation (OMG, is THIS what marriage feels like?)

Here are the rules:
1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘honest weblog’
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5. And then we pass it on!

October 4-5, 2008

**thump thud thump thud**

That sound you hear is the sound of me hop-hobble-crawling over to the couch in order to post these pictures. This past weekend was the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer... YAYYYYY!!!!!! Thank you to all of you who contributed to such a worthy cause (and if you haven't, the website will be available for donations for 28 more days!!). After two days of walking across every available corner of Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Randalls Island, I am finally home. And to be honest, I am in paaaaaaaaain :( But it was a WONDERFUL experience. Five thousand women and men walking in tandem to help eradicate a disease that affects an alarming number of people every year. Of 39 miles, I was able to finish 29 with no training shut up- I've been busy!), so I am very very proud :) Okay, okay... enuogh of all that. Here are some pics of the road.


Mile 4- still fresh and bouncy :)


Kelly and me on day 1 at mile 9


Here I am on day 1 at mile lucky number 13 :) I was still smiling, as you can see, so all was well.


We made it to the half way point on day 1... that smile is starting to slip a bit, LOL


We made it to the Brooklyn Bridge... YAY!!!


Yeah... when we woke up Sunday morning it was POURING down rain and neither of us had ponchos. So the crew was handing out these thermal "blankets" which amounted to a square of tin foil which was supposed to... I guess keep us warm and dry?? Anyway- this is what it turned out to be.


I should probably know what this little piece of art is called, but I don't... it was outside The Plaza in front of Central Park.


THE FINISH LINE!!!!!!!!!!! We made it at last :)

This is probably mad old, and I am ridiculously behind in watching this, but...

Oh.

My.

God.

BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!