Writing Again

I am watching you from across the room. You don't see me seeing you, but I am. I am seeing you from a different perspective. Not that of a casual person who is looking at another person. Not the perspective of an interested party observing the behavior of another. But as a woman looking at a man. Just that. Not a woman who is looking at a man hoping that he is looking at her. Not a woman looking at a man
trying to figure out what he is thinking. Just a woman looking at a man. Looking at him. Watching him. Connecting to him. And I see strength and perseverance and determination and pain and loss and sadness and weariness and struggle and disappointment and burden and strain. I see love and laughter and tenderness and gentleness and understanding and comprehension and awareness and just that intangible
thing that I call, "Oh yeah... I get it!" I am watching you from across the room.

I am thinking. Thinking myself into a migraine sometimes. What if he doesn't like me? What if I am not enough? What if I can't compete? What if I don't fit? What if I can't do it? What if I don't make it? What if I'm not supposed to? I think about that stuff. I think about what she would want. I think about whether or not she would approve. I think about how she feels. I think about whether we are hurting her. I think about whether or not we are hurting you. I am thinking. About. You.

I am remembering. Remembering the bad things that have happened. Remembering the taste of my tears... the taste of failure and regret and sadness and pain and loneliness and broken hearts and lies and deceit and unfulfilled promises. I am remembering those things because I want to feel them as a reminder to never make those mistakes again. To never fall for those people again. To never get involved
in those situations again. I am remembering the good things that have happened. Remembering the images of happiness... the images of laughter and love and smiles and kisses and support and hands and arms and fingers and lips and shoulders. I am remembering everything in between. Remembering her face when she said I love you. I am remembering her strength when she delivered the news. I am remembering her tears when she said that she would never leave me even though she knew it couldn't possibly be true. I am remembering her resolve and her courage and her fire and her determination and her resolve and her love and her life. I am remembering all of those things because all of those things are a part of me. I am remembering.

I am feeling so many things. I am feeling so many things that I feel full. Feeling challenged and questioned and motivated and pushed and supported. Feeling hope and optimism and impatience and antsy and nervous and sprung. Feeling frustration and anger and even rage every now and then. Feeling watched and judged and analyzed and maybe even a little disliked sometimes. I am feeling everything. I am feeling
you.

I am waiting for you. Waiting for you to understand. Waiting for you to get it. Waiting for you to be okay. Waiting for you to believe. Waiting for you to accept. Waiting for you to feel. Waiting for your laughter to finally reach your eyes. Waiting for your hands to really touch me. Waiting for your eyes to really see me. Waiting for you to know like I know. Waiting for you to fold up the barriers. Waiting for you to unlock the doors. Waiting for you to tell me even though you think you're already showing me. Waiting for the right time. Not when she is ready, not when they are ready. Waiting for you to be ready. Waiting for you to trust. Waiting for you to let me. Waiting for you to finish so we can start. I am waiting for you.

I am wanting. Wanting everything to be alright. For you. I am wanting you to want me. I am wanting you to watch me. Think about me. Remember me. Feel me. Wait for me. Want me. So...... do you?

Cinco de February-o

Remember when I would be bored at work during the weekend and post like fifteen times in one day? Well, this one's for you Jameil. Here are five things that you don't know (at least I hope you don't know) about me.

1. I want to get married in the next two or three years. I guess it probably makes sense if you know how old I am, but lately, I have really been feeling that pull.

2. I think Barack Obama is on CRACK for announcing his desire to run for President. Now before I start getting all this hate mail, let me explain. I am all for a Black man running for President of the United States. And not only that, I think Obama could potentially be that man. But I just don't think that he's ready. I honestly believe that he needs to wait it out until 2012 and regroup. Not because I think our country isn't ready for a Black President, but because I don't think that Barack is ready to be that President.

3. I am a little bit psychic. Not in a "CALL ME NOW!!!" Ms. Cleo kind of way, but sometimes I have dreams and a few days later, they come true. Every now and then I just have these really vivid dreams that play out in excruciating detail, and then before I know it, it happens exactly the way I dreamt it.

4. I'm afraid of bridges. Tall or short, long or short, bridges over water scare the LIFE out of me. When I was little I used to have these dreams where my parents got in an accident and drove off the Hampton Roads Bridge. Ever since then, I have been crazy afraid of bridges. And it's crazy because I spent most of my life in a place where I had to travel over them to get practically anywhere and now I live in New Jersey. Bridge capital of the PLANET. Sigh...

5. Ooh I think I like him!!!! Enough of that.

New Post

Okay, okay. When a perfect stranger tells you that it's time for a new post, then dammit, I guess it's time! Hey yall.... long time, no see. All is well here in Jersey except for the fact that the damn "no traction" light in my car keeps coming on like I don't know that my tires are bald as a baby's ass and they are forecasting more snow and freezing rain like I drive a Hummer instead of a goddam Saturn and tomorrow is Valentine's Day and Bishop has completely forgotten and I forgot to get something for his daughter and my feet are THROBBING from working nonstop and.... WHEW. I had to take a breath. That was really it, but my face was turning blue from the run on sentence. But on the real... all is well. Those of you who are regular readers or at least who WERE before I climbed under my rock) know that I haven't really said much about Bishop lately. I have been biding my time; trying to figure out how much (if any) I really like him and whether or not he likes me. Well, we've settled the argument. Yes to the former and double yes to the latter. If you read the post about our first date, you know that I was wrestling with some things about him that I wasn't too sure out. But some time has passed and here we are. I think that Bishop actually gets me, and for the first time in a long time, that doesn't scare me. I used to go through this whole thing where I tried to make myself seem more complicated than I really was because I wanted a man to "figure me out." Whatever. He gets me and he likes me anyway. Now THAT is a good thing.

So here's to yet another Valentine's Day. This one isn't looking too, too good from here, but who knows... maybe the whole "I almost forgot tomorrow was Valentine's Day" thing was a cover and he actually does have something special planned for me. We'll see... happy love day, guys :)