Transitions, Part 2

Life is so full of changes. Some good, some bad, but all changes. The other day I was talking about Trish and how she had made her transition. I really don't want to speak too much more on that because it is such a blow to me even though I hardly knew her at all.

I initially named my last post "Part 1" because I was going somewhere in particular for the second part. But I think I'll wait a while. Marinate on it for a minute and then get back to yall when my mind is right. In the meantime, it is Wednesday and I am grateful for...

- God and the miracles He continues to show me in my life as well as the lives of others.
- The idea that such a beautiful spirit has made her way home into a life of love, happiness, and no more pain.
- That 2004 Lexus GX or $31,000 even though it was already sold to someone else. That truck was beautiful and it renewed my faith that maybe I too can find a great deal in time for that big snow storm this winter.
- Teasing.
- Finally getting through to someone I care about so much. I just hope that my words came out the way I intended them to: as concern and love, not preaching and teaching.
- Being asked out on a date. It hhas been so long that I was starting to think that I muct have a third eye in the middle of my head that is only visible to people of the opposite sex.
- Growth and maturity. I can really see a change in myself with every day that goes by, and I am starting to like what I see.

God's blessings guys....

Transitions, Part 1

I'm so sad tonight, guys... one of favorite bloggers finally found peace for her beautiful mind and lost her battle to leukemia yesterday. I never met her, we never even talked on the phone or through the Internet. But the few messages she shared on my blog and the words I read on hers touched me in a strangley powerful way. So rest in peace Trish... my heart goes out to your family, and especially your beautiful fat baby :) Go with God.

A.M. Randomness Stolen As Usual

The Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: "Bad Habit" Destiny's Child - DAMN!!! This is already starting to ring true!

Waking Up: "Shut Up Bitch Intro" Money Mike - HELL YEAH!!!!!!!! I love this game!!!! "It's Queen B, bitch! Not pawn, not rook, not knight... it's QUEEN!! This is what you're doin, and this is what I NEED you to be doin!"

First Day At School: "Watching Me" Jill Scott - Okay, this is getting a little freaky. I SWEAR that I'm not cheating, but the stars must be perfectly aligned right now

Falling In Love: "The Battle Is Not Yours" Yolanda Adams - Heh heh heh. Wish I had learned THAT lesson a long time ago!!

Fight Song: "Holy Holy Holy" Donnie McClurkin. I got nothin here.....

Breaking Up: "The One I Gave My Heart To" Aaliyah - Well, the title says it all, now doesn't it?

Prom: "Gift From Virgo" Beyonce - Not MY prom, but maybe somewhere...

Life is Good: "Oochie Coochie La La La" MC Brains - SHUT THE HELL UP!! This was freshman year in high school 1991. SIGH.... nah, fuck that.... awwwwwww yeahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! "Oochie coochie la la la. I am the Brains and I'm up to par!"

Mental Breakdown: "In A Sentimental Mood" Duke Ellington and John Coltrane - I LOVE this song.

Driving: "Get Your Number" Mariah Crey and Jermaine Dupri. Whatever.

Flashback: "The Panties" Mos Def - Uh, flash back to WHAT exactly with this song??

Getting Back Together: "We Fall Down" Donnie McClurkin - Okay Brother Donnie, I get it. I TOO can morph into someone else.

Wedding: "Everthing is Everything" Lauryn Hill - Good to hear this again!

Birth of Child: "Love" Destiny's Child.

Final Battle: "Nuttin But Love" Heavy D - Maybe at the end of the battle when I beat that bitch's ass??????

Funeral Song: "Foolish" Ashanti - Damn. And I started out so strong! Well, I have been a bit of a fool in my day, so maybe this is appropriate.

End Credits: "Inside My Love" Tina Broussard - Since I'm so damn lovestruck, I guess this is cool.

**I stole this one too. I figured since I'm already JAMMIN in here at 1:18 a.m., I may as well keep the party goin!**

Musical Shares (
1. How does the world see me? "Baby" Ashanti - I always loved this song, but a baby? Uh, okay.

2. Will I have a happy life? "Rollin With Kid 'N Play" Kid 'N Play - Hola hola heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Yeah, that was pretty lame.

3. What do my friends really think of me? "Caught Up" Usher - Yeah, they really do know me!

4. Do people secretly lust after me? "Jump" Kriss Kross - Again, I got nothin.

5. How can I make myself happy? "Nasty Girl" Vanity 6 - Wellllll.....

6. What should I do with my life? "Family Reunion" Jill Scott - Funny thing is that recently I have been thinking about finding my biological family. Hmm...

7. What is some good advice for me? "Hold Me Down" Danity Kane

8. How will I be remembered? "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" Lauryn Hill - "Every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me. I wasn't able to achieve." At least that what I think about mysef.

9. What is my signature dancing song? "Unchain My Heart" Ray Charles - I probably could've held it down back in the day!

10. What do I think my current theme song is? "I Don't Mean It" R. Kelly - I told yall before, love is when you hang up the phone and find a reason to call right back.

11. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? "All Falls Down" Kane West

12. What song will play at my funeral? "In The Rain" XScape - God, I hope not.

13. What type of women do I like? First of all, I prefer men, but I got "Trapped in the Closet Chapter 10" R. Kelly - "Now the midget jumps out of the closet and the policemam stubs his toe." ENough said.

14. What is my day going to be like? "I Can't Wait" Sleepy Brown - Me either. LMAO.

Happy Turkey Day

SIGH. I love him. LOVE HIM. I just finished watching yesterday's 106th and Park with Jay-Z, and it's official: I love him. I never really paid too much attention to Jay before. I've heard all the singles, know most of the words. But the B sides, the random albums, the ones that only the TRUE Hov fans have, I'd never heard of them. But today, I'm on the bandwagon. That new album is FIYAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! And he actually had something to say during the interview about stuff other than music. So go out and BUY that Kingdom Come; it's FANTASTIC.

So you know what it is; time for giving thanks. This is a special one since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so I'ma dig deep. I am grateful for...

- Introductions.
- Memories of the life I had before.
- Glimpses of the life I have in store for me.
- Bernetta, Therman, Tyffani, Karen, and Gladys
- God's grace and His assurance that no matter what, he has something bigger in store for me than even I can imagine.
- Text messages.
- The progress I have made since last year this time.
- Grateful patients.
- The fact that my new job pays the bills.
- The fact that I FINALLY took the NAPLEX and realized that it was HIGHLY overrated.
- So many other things that I would be here all day trying to put them all down, so... HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YALL!!!!!!

Colorgenics Profile

I'm stalling on leaving for the city this morning because what's waiting for me at 1 Penn Plaza is none too nice! So I decided to do this personality profile that It Was Written shared with me. Wow, it's amazing how accurate this was - as Rashan put it, almost like an FBI profile! SIGH. I guess right about now my picture is up on the plasma screen in George Dubya's Oval Office. DAMMIT.

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

For some time now you have been feeling rather insecure. You are looking for - and needing - an environment that can offer you roots, stability and a position that will relieve you of excess tension and stress.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

At this moment in time you feel as if you have lost the strength of will to contend with existing problems and difficulties which appear to you as deliberate opposition. You are trying to stand your ground but the pressures are intolerable. You would like some co-operation from those around you but it's not forthcoming so you feel that, in its absence, there is nothing you can do to improve the current situation. You would like nothing better than to 'get away from it all'.

Be it through unfulfilled emotional requirements, whatever the circumstances you are experiencing considerable stress, be it mental or physical. To your credit you are attempting to escape from this by endeavouring to create a semblance of peace and serenity by refusing to allow yourself to be involved. You have the strength to 'pull through' and all indications are that you will... perhaps sooner than you even believed possible.

Realization of a Realism

This is for you, Jameil because you tried to play me for not posting in seven days. But mostly it's for me because... well, just because.

"Thank You! No, thank YOU!!!"
Thank you. No, really. Seriously. THANK YOU. I never realized that you could be so mean. I never realized that you could be so childish. I never realized that you could be so unfeeling and unaware. Thank you. Thank you for showing me what you look like after the love and life and laughter has been stripped away. Thank you for showing me that friendship doesn't look like you. Thank you for showing me that love doesn't live here anymore. Thank you for telling me about the guitar. Thank you for using the word "love" in the story. Thank you for asking you sister to be the bad guy. Thank you for revealing the truth: that underneath all of the inside jokes, and completed sentences, and shared experiences, and mind reading, that we are nothing anymore. I am nothing to you. You are nothing to me. Well, that's not true. You are my lesson. You are my revelation. You are my burden. You are my baggage. You are my story. You are my sadness. Thank you for that. Thank you for making me start every sentence with, "I remember when." Thank you for living so far away so I won't be tempted to visit. Thank you for not returning my phone calls so I won't say something that I'll regret later. Thank you for seeing me on MSN Messenger and changing your status to "away." Thank you for laughing when you tell your friends about the games you play. Thank you for not noticing the quiver in my voice when I laughed about stepping up my game. Thank you for making me question my worth and doubt my significance. Thank you for painting our future and then selling it to the highest bidder. Thank you for giving me just enough to trick me into thinking that you'll be back. And then disappearing. Forever. Thank you for sugarcoating shit. Thank you for not calling me when I graduated from pharmacy school, but bothering to call me for my birthday. Thank you for spending 10 whole days with me and then when I get home on the 11th, telling me it's over. Thank you soooooo much.

But I guess I shouldn't make it seem all bad. Thank you for showing me how to say "I love you" because I meant it and not because someone else said it first. Thank you for teaching me that confidence is a necessity. Thank you for introducing me to a family full of love and light when I needed it most. Thank you for driving four hours just to sleep on my couch and then go home the next day. Thank you for surprising me after church because you thought it would make me smile. Thank you for the vacuum cleaner. Thank you for the Omni Championsgate. Thank you for Busch Gardens Tampa and for admitting that you were scared of the Superman roller coaster. Thank you for Thanksgiving at Nags Head and New Year's at your cousin's. Thank you for bringing me out of the darkness into the light. Thank you for allowing me to catch a glimpse of what true happiness looks like. Thank you for showing me the future even if you're not in it.

But either way, I've been defeated. By you. And sadly, I never saw that coming. I never thought that you would or even could defeat me. But you have. So thank you. For nothing.

Grateful Wednesday

Sorry for the lateness of this post, but I worked all day toay and just got off my feet for the first time since 9:00 a.m. But I digress... I am grateful for...
- Morning Star Community Christian Center and the spirit that moved me to join last Sunday
- Reverend and First Lady Therman Evans
- CVS (even though I wish they would pay me a few more dollars!)
- My new Pumas, cause my body is SCREAMING after standing on my feet all day!
- My grandmother, the superstar. Just because...
- People with beautiful minds who continue to inspire me even though they have never and might not ever even see my face
- You because even though I thought you would laugh at me, you didn't because you knew that I was afraid and might not be able to hande it
- You even though you Indian gave me an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner... it's all good, though!
- 40 hours a week because I'm headed to Vegas in February!
- Tomorrow at 1:30 because do or die, that's when it all goes down
- Every day that goes by that allows me to see I can live without you and still be happy
- Kimora Lee Simmons... she's so damn fabulous!
- The opportunity to start a new chapter in my life that is hopefully better than all of the ones that came before it
- You for showing me who you really are. You're selfish and immature and silly and even a little spiteful. You cause pain because you don't know how else to relate to me anymore. But know that I understand you and have come to the realization that what I have been praying for has been the wrong thing and that's why He hasn't given it to me. So thank you for being you and thank God for showing eme who that is.

I LOVE When This Happens!!

I was reading Isis' blog tonight (check her out, yall) and I found this. I love it. Period. love it, love it, LOVE IT!!! I was JUST making this point the other day :)

Untitled
when people see me walking down the street
they mutter to themselves..

"she's too much .. I can't talk to her"
"she think's she's all of that"
"hmph.. look at her"

but just like a book .. located high on a shelf
if you never dare to open the cover
to curl up in a corner .. draw your feet up on the couch
and carress the delicate pages that are held within .. the hard exterior

one will never truly get to experience just how exquisite
.. profound
.. ethereal
.. surreal
just how good it really can be ..
unless. ..

you take the time
to reach high up
and select the book that you once figured was out of your grasp
and actually realized
it was exactly what you were looking for.

-Isis

I Almost Forgot

Hey yall... I almost zoned out on the fact that today is Wednesday, and therefore time for anotherpost full of gratefuls, so here we go. I am grateful for:
- my stylist having an opening today at 2:30 cause my hair was BEAT!
- no one else being the salon, so I was out by 4:00
- the patience that kept me from chasing that motherf7$#ker who sprayed me with HIV-infected street water this morning on the cornerof 57th and 9th
- my new job
- the fact that my employees are acting like assholes, therefore maiing it THAT much easier to walk away
- surrogate parents
- another one of my classmates biting the dust and keep me out of the gossip mill
- 20% off coupons at Ulta so I could get that cool new shampoo and conditioner
- Donald Rumsfeld FINALLY coming to his dumb ass senses
- dad's half of the rent
- Thanksgiving
- the chance of seeing you, even if only for a few minutes
- another Wednesday

Oh yeah... my friends Nikki and Piper (yes, Jarrod... your beloved Piper!) were captured by The Sartorialist the other day in the post "New York City Marathon 2006 Pt. 2." They're in the last picture as the Cheerleaders of Brooklyn... hey guys :)

Last Love Post... I Promise!

A long time ago someone (and I apologize for not remembering who it was) was asking how you know when you're in love. And then just the other day, Stacie brought up a similar subject. So it reminded me of the post I promised to put up ages ago and never did. What is love and how do you know when you're in it. Well, to me...

Love lives. It is active and strong and creative and slightly sneaky. It knows just when to come around, but funny how it never knows when to leave. Love is selfless and generous. Love is both peaceful and tumultuous. Love is patient and safe. Love can take your breath away and then give it back so that you can fly. Love is a thief. It steals your time and your thoughts and your energy and your sanity and your will and your heart. But it gives you safety and peace and comfort and satisfaction and stability. I love love. I live for love. I trust love. I need love. I want love.

You know you're in love when.... you wake up in the middle of the night just to smile at something he said earlier in the day. You hang up the phone and search for a reason to call right back. You look at him looking at you looking at him. And then you say, "Nothing." You reach over to touch his arm just to remind yourself that he isn't a figment of your imagination. You are angry but it doesn't matter because no matter what, there is a lesson behind it. Your worst day with him is better than your BEST day with anyone else. He gets you. He laughs at you. He laughs with you. He points out your mistakes, but he also tells you how to make them better. You love his walk. You love his smile. You love that face he makes when you're telling yet another one of your "can you believe this shit?" stories even though he has heard them all before. He is beautiful. Not just beautiful in the physical, but beautiful in the ways that matter. You think he's sexy in his flannel pajamas and favorite white tee. You love the way he breathes that "mannnn....." when he first settles into you. You imagine your life without him in it and you have to sit down. You say that you'd be okay if it doesn't work out as long as you can still be friends... and you mean it. You ask him if he thinks that girl is pretty, he says yes, and you say, "me too." You love him because he loves you. That's what it is and that's how you know.

Don't Be Afraid

Don't be afraid. You'll be fine. You'll be better than fine, you'll be great. No, you'll be better than great. You'll be happy. And after all, isn't that what you want? I know you think you're not ready. I know you think you're too young. I know you think it isn't time. I know you think it will mean the end of an era. But it won't. Don't be afraid. Even though all the storybooks say different, the stars will never be perfectly aligned. There will never be a time when you feel that everything is perfect. Why deny yourself something that could change your life because you're afraid? Why not just do it? Isn't it easier to focus when you're happy? Isn't it easier to struggle when you're not alone? I know, I know. Choices are fun too. Options keep it light. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Well, maybe you're right. But I don't think so. Sometimes even the hurt is bearable if you can look back on the joy that brought you there. Sometimes even an unhappy ending is worth the lessons learned in the process. Sometimes it's just better to be brave. You have so much to give. You have such a light inside of you. Your smile, your heart, your humor, your intelligence, your warmth, your reality (yes, even your reality). It's enough, really it is. Don't think of it as an extra burden to carry. It really can make it easier. I promise. I've been there before. And also, remember this. It doesn't matter who. It only matters that you're not afraid. You can do it. You can do it well. So take a deep breath. And then jump. Don't be afraid.

Calling All Hair Stylists

Hey guys... I am trying to find a good hair salon in the New Jersey/New York area. I really want a place with a stylist who can cut AND style because I have this new haircut, and I need to be able to maintain it between trips back to VA. SO if anyone can recommend a good (and I mean GOOD because I am FUNNY about my hair!) stylist and salon in the area, please send me the information. I just don't see myself being able to keep this cut looking good without the help of a professional. And don't recommend the Dominicans - I know they're good (and cheap), but I have next to no hair on my head, and I do NOT want to leave looking like Beaker with a blowout. Thanks...

Where Is All This Coming From?

Someone has been blogging about their grandmother who is very ill, and it brought back some memories of how I spent my mom's last few months with her. That led to this... I feel almost like I should apologize because it is so much for a Thursday afternoon. But it is what it is.

She loved me especially special. She looked at me all the time, but I used to think she never saw me. We argued. We screamed. We gave each other the silent treatment (well, actually she gave it to me!). But then she would get bored of having no one to talk to in the house, and we were back to normal again. She loved me in spite of. She loved me because of. She loved me in addition to. She loved me regardless of. She just loved me. And I loved her.

Dr. SFWW. I remember the day she told me that she had cancer and that the doctors weren't especially hopeful. I ran. Up the stairs, out the back door, into the garage until I was stopped by my granmother's slow ass garage door. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. When I came back in, I took one look at her and realized that I had to pull it together. I had to save her. I held her face in my hands and said, "Tell me what you want me to do. I am here for you. We will be alright." I believed that in that moment, but she didn't. She had seen the CT scans, the lab reports, the blood levels, the xrays, the doctors' faces. She had sat through the chemotherapy sessions, the examinations, the second opinions. She knew better. But she loved me. And so she said, "Okay. You and me. We will do this together." She was so strong, so courageous, so beautiful, so worried, so in love. With me.

Months came and went. She was better. She was worse. She was better. She was much worse. April 2003. She left me. She thought that I would be better off if she moved back home with her parents so that I could focus on my school work. All I wanted to do was take care of her. Help her. Hold her hand. Love her. Before that, I would drive over to her house and crawl into bed beside her. She would sleep, and I would prop myself up on one elbow just to make sure she hadn't stopped breathing. I would encourage her to take her medication and run to the store for Dairy Queen milkshakes when she wouldn't touch anything else. I would watch silly sitcoms and Sunday morning gospel shows and Lifetime movies and Chris Tucker (she LOVED Chris Tucker) with her on the left side and me on the right. When she said she was hungry but only wanted a spoonful of mashed potatoes and three or four string beans, I would drive to Golden Corral and get JUST that because I knew if it were any more, she wouldn't touch it. I would jerk awake in the middle of the night when I heard the phone rang because I knew it was her calling to beg me to come over. And then she left.

When my grandmother drove away and I saw the back of my mother's head in the bakseat of the Cadillac, I knew that she would never be home again. She cried and begged us to let her go. She was in so much pain. But she was in so much more worry. Worry for me. How would I cope? How would I move on? Would I drop out of school? Would I need help? Would I thrive? Would I survive? She loved me. She lived for me. Even when I told her to go because I knew she was ready, she lived for me. She ached for me. She struggled for me. She choked for me. She went blind for me. She lost weight for me. She lost her hair for me. Because I couldn't let her go. Because I was still that same little girl who couldn't survie the silent treatments. She loved me.

And then the hurricane came. Isabel. September 17, 2003. I decided to go to North Carolina to see her becuse it had been a few weeks. I wasn't worried about the hurricane, but it was the perfect excuse. I brought my books so she wouldn't be angry with me for leaving my school work. I got there at 10:00 p.m. Wednesday night. I walked to the back of the house where she was sleeping and I screamed. I dropped my purse and I ran. Again. Out of the back door, into the garage. Only this time, that slow ass door was open, and I ran out into the night and the rain. Where did she go? Who was that person in that bed with my mother's feet and hands but not her face or voice or eyes or hair or light or life? I knew it then. It was time. She was leaving. She couldn't do it for me anymore. And I couldn't ask her to. I went back in and laid on the bed beside her. Me on the right side, her on the left. And I talked. And I laughed. And I gossiped. And I cried. And I remembered. And I loved her. I loved her. I loved her. I loved her. I loved her. And then it was morning. September 18, 2003.

She was breathing. Slowly, raggedly. I spoke so she would know I was there. I pulled out my Med Chem notes and studied for my test. Well, not really. Just a show for the schoolteacher who rested within her tired body. I said that I loved her and that if she was ready, then so was I. If she was ready to leave, then I was ready to say goodbye. If she couldn't fight anymore, then I would stop fighting too. Then I must have fallen asleep because I felt someone shaking my arm. I opened my eyes, but no one was there. She couldn't move, so it wasn't her. No one was there. No one was there. I looked at her. I said, "Mommy I'm here. You're not alone. I love you. Please go." She sighed. And then she did. She went. But I didn't. I'm here. But she's not.

Dr. Sharon Faye White-Williams. What an experience. What a woman. Strong. Beautiful. Lovely. Generous. Kind. Warm. Loving. Brilliant. Fabulous. I loved her. And she loved me.

Grateful Wednesdays

Here I go again... I told yall that there would be multiple blogs today :) But the up side is that it is almost 3:00, so I should be gone soon. I originally got this from Trish's blog (who has since decided to stop blogging), but then I saw it done again by Honey Libra. I think that it is a wonderful idea to stop and take at least a few minutes to articulate what you are grateful for - even if it is only once a week. So here is mine: this Wednesday, I am grateful for..
- being alive.
- getting ready to start a new job.
- the simplicity of my dog waking me up in the morning - reminds me that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
- the fact that the opera singing pharmacist is working in one of the satellite pharmacies today!
- the 25 years that I spent with my mother and the lifetime that I will spend remembering her.
- vision to see the haircut that I really don't like, but am willing to deal with anyway.
- the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach whenever you call.
- the new Robin Thicke CD because it makes me feel so warm and comfy after a day of craziness here.
- life, mine and others'.
- love. The friend kind and the lover kind. And sometimes even the kind that you can't classify.
- February 14, 2004 to July 17, 2005.
- the gift of the written word.

You're Not Mine, So Never Mind

This is going to be one of those days where every time something comes to mind, I am going to post a new blog. These last few days at my job have relieved me of ALL responsibility to do any work, but I still feel like I have to be here just in case they decide to mess with my last paycheck. This is something that I wrote a little while ago. For all of you detectives out there, it doesn't apply to any one person in particular (although I can see how you might think that it does given the last few posts), so don't get too excited. I'm just trying to do better with my writing.

Who do you love? Do you love me because you think I'm beautiful? Do you love me because I give and I give and I give and I give... until you have everything and I have nothing? Do you love me? Or do you love the woman you think that I am? Do you love me? Or do you love the woman that you want me to be? Do you love me? Or are you just afraid that the one you love won't love you? When you say that I'm beautiful, do you mean on the inside? When you look at me, do you look past the fashion and the makeup to the woman inside? Do you see my heart that is bursting with feelings for you? Do you see my soul that is looking for its counterpart in you? Do you see the little girl who is afraid of being abandoned and just wants to be loved? Or when you look at me, do you just see what you can see with your eyes? Do you think that I am beautiful as in "lovely," or beautiful as in "pretty." And do you see the difference?

Do you understand that I love you? Do you know that I want to be with you? Can you feel me thinking about you when you are in that quiet place just before your eyes close for the night? When you look at her, do you see me? When you look at her, do you think of how I look? When you touch her, do you remember what it was like to lay beside me with my head on your chest? When she places her hand on the back of your neck, do you remember when I used to lay on the couch with your head in my lap? When you hear a funny joke, do you wonder if I would laugh too? Do you even remember what my laugh sounds like? When you say something funny that only I would understand, do you try to explain, or do you just smile to yourself and change the subject?

When you lower yourself into her with only the light of the moon to show you that you are not alone, do you remember what it was like with me? Do you remember how I used to run my nails lightly along the inside of your thighs until you would beg me to stop? Do you remember how shy I was for so long that I wouldn't even let you turn on the lights? When you look down and see the top of her head as she licks the last of you off her lips, do you remember me? Can you smell my perfume? Can you hear my breathing? Can you feel my legs wrapped around your waist as I try to make it last just one more second so we can orgasm together? Or is she better than me? Does she make you feel like your head is in the clouds and your body is on another plane? Does she make your toes curl up because you are trying so hard not to cry out and seem like you lost the battle?

These are the things that I wonder sometimes. And then I realize that they don't matter. Because none of it will change how I feel about you. I crave you. I miss you. I dream about you. I long for you. I smell you. I hear you. I want you. I love you. Sigh. But you're not mine, so never mind.

Yall Know That Red Fish That You Put in The Water and It Grows???

**So sorry guys, but I had to delete this post**

Due to the UNUSUAL amount of drama that this post created when it was first posted yesterday, I have made the executive decision to delete it from my blog. If you already read it, then you probably are familiar with the story. I just want to say, however, that I never intended to hurt anyone's feelings or step on anyone's toes. And I certainly wasn't trying to put anyone's business in the street. So, again: sorry for any misunderstandings.