This is for you, Jameil because you tried to play me for not posting in seven days. But mostly it's for me because... well, just because.
"Thank You! No, thank YOU!!!"
Thank you. No, really. Seriously. THANK YOU. I never realized that you could be so mean. I never realized that you could be so childish. I never realized that you could be so unfeeling and unaware. Thank you. Thank you for showing me what you look like after the love and life and laughter has been stripped away. Thank you for showing me that friendship doesn't look like you. Thank you for showing me that love doesn't live here anymore. Thank you for telling me about the guitar. Thank you for using the word "love" in the story. Thank you for asking you sister to be the bad guy. Thank you for revealing the truth: that underneath all of the inside jokes, and completed sentences, and shared experiences, and mind reading, that we are nothing anymore. I am nothing to you. You are nothing to me. Well, that's not true. You are my lesson. You are my revelation. You are my burden. You are my baggage. You are my story. You are my sadness. Thank you for that. Thank you for making me start every sentence with, "I remember when." Thank you for living so far away so I won't be tempted to visit. Thank you for not returning my phone calls so I won't say something that I'll regret later. Thank you for seeing me on MSN Messenger and changing your status to "away." Thank you for laughing when you tell your friends about the games you play. Thank you for not noticing the quiver in my voice when I laughed about stepping up my game. Thank you for making me question my worth and doubt my significance. Thank you for painting our future and then selling it to the highest bidder. Thank you for giving me just enough to trick me into thinking that you'll be back. And then disappearing. Forever. Thank you for sugarcoating shit. Thank you for not calling me when I graduated from pharmacy school, but bothering to call me for my birthday. Thank you for spending 10 whole days with me and then when I get home on the 11th, telling me it's over. Thank you soooooo much.
But I guess I shouldn't make it seem all bad. Thank you for showing me how to say "I love you" because I meant it and not because someone else said it first. Thank you for teaching me that confidence is a necessity. Thank you for introducing me to a family full of love and light when I needed it most. Thank you for driving four hours just to sleep on my couch and then go home the next day. Thank you for surprising me after church because you thought it would make me smile. Thank you for the vacuum cleaner. Thank you for the Omni Championsgate. Thank you for Busch Gardens Tampa and for admitting that you were scared of the Superman roller coaster. Thank you for Thanksgiving at Nags Head and New Year's at your cousin's. Thank you for bringing me out of the darkness into the light. Thank you for allowing me to catch a glimpse of what true happiness looks like. Thank you for showing me the future even if you're not in it.
But either way, I've been defeated. By you. And sadly, I never saw that coming. I never thought that you would or even could defeat me. But you have. So thank you. For nothing.
5 comments:
you know what? its not thanks for nothing. b/c you learned from that experience. about yourself and about other people. i talked to a guy for 2 years on and off but we were never very public about it (both of our choices, and honestly a little more my idea) though all of our friends knew. when we were good we were very, very good and when we were bad, we were horrid (like the poem).
back and forth we went until finally i couldn't take it anymore and i cut him off for good. as difficult as it was for me, i appreciate the experience. b/c he called himself my friend and said he cared about me, it made me that much more aware of what i would and would not stand for from someone who claimed to value my friendship and professed how much he cared. so when i say thank you, i mean it sincerely. thank you for the good, but perhaps more importantly, thank you for the bad.
that is some serious growth. i love this post b/c its such a catharsis.
i LOVE this thing!! these parallel experiences we share on blogger are awesome.
this is some 'i used to love him' by lauryn feat MJB.
yeah i cried and wanted to die but you know what? i've seen and done things i never would've w/o you and i honestly from the bottom of my heart thank-you for that.
bomb post (as usual) X
Ohmigoodness, yes! I... just yes. Can you send this to my ex fiance? Lol
Ohmigoodness, yes! I... just yes. Can you send this to my ex fiance? Lol
Wow. Miss Lady, always remember that words have such profound power. I can fully understand your feelings because I'm going through a break-up right now. Well, the break-up has happened. I'm just dealing with it now.
I was blown away by your post but was disappointed when I read that you feel he defeated you. Girl, you have not been defeated. You're more resilient than you realize. I'm learning through this process that I have to love myself more. I have a long list of &^#$ed-up things that happened and I tolerated it. A lot more self-respect would have likely nipped that in the bud. Anyway, I just say that to relate that there's growth (as you know). Since there is growth, there can be no defeat.
You were never defeated. You were just blindsided.
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