I Made the Wrong Choice

The music is loud, there's a red cup in everybody's hand, and the house is packed... I guess that's the standard definition of a "good party." I came here with one guy, but I haven't seen him since we walked in the door. I just feel... pulled toward another. This is the guy I'm attracted to, this is the guy I want to be with. I don't know his name and I never see his face, but I just... I just know. I can see my date's head across the room watching me intently, but I just turn my body and occupy myself with something else, someone else. He'll be fine. It's a party.

I'm outside- it's a beautiful afternoon, and I am turning the corner to go to my car. I'm by myself; I haven't seen my date in hours, and even though I know there's another guy, I don't see him either. As I'm walking across the lawn and down the driveway, I stop short. There's this... this feeling. This really intense, heavy, pressure in the middle of my chest. Suddenly I am overcome with this genuine, absolute certainty. The certainty that I have made a mistake. Something is wrong. I have to find him, I have to explain. He has to know. I made the wrong choice.

I immediately turned around and walked toward the backyard to find him. My date... I needed to talk to him. I see him in the midst of a large group of friends, dancing with three girls. He is smiling, laughing, being his usual, gregarious self. Everybody loves him, he makes people smile. As I get closer, I see his friends eyeing me, but I ignore them. "Hey. Can I talk to you for a second?" "Nah, I'm busy." And he turns his back to me and keeps dancing. The closest girl to me tosses her hair back over her shoulder as she looks me, a momentary look of pity on her face. The friends give me that "damn, shawty" look- you know the one. The one where people are embarrassed for you, but not so much that they don't appreciate and approve of the fact that you just got played. "Please, just for a second. I have something to tell you." he looks at me for the briefest of seconds and sighs. "Fine. Just let me finish here." I continue to stand on the sidelines of their mini party, watching while the girls laugh and dance; watching while the friends studiously ignore me and simultaneously egg him on. The song finally ends, and he walks towards me like he'd rather be doing anything else.

"Listen, I'm sorry. I know that how I have treated you today is wrong. We came here together, and I haven't said a word to you since we walked in the door. I know you've seen me with him, I know I have hurt you. I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. He's not the one I want, he's not the one I love. I made the wrong choice. Please can I have another chance?" The entire time I am speaking, he is looking directly into my eyes, absorbing every word that I am saying. He didn't want to talk to me, but he can't bring himself to walk away either. When I ask the question, he opens his mouth and...

I wake up.

I'm not crying, but I feel close to tears. The room is dark, it must be about 4 or 5 in the morning. Stone is sleeping at the foot of the bed- completely oblivious to my situation. Just like in my dream, there's this... this weight on my chest, this heaviness on my being. It's like... is this heartache? Is this what people mean when they write about heartache in love songs and sappy movies? I don't think I have ever felt this before. Sure, I've been in love, and ABSOLUTELY I have cried myself to death over the end of a relationship. But I have never felt this... this FEELING. Like I made the wrong choice. I haven't done anything wrong, I don't think I have hurt him- well, that's not true. I think I did hurt him, but that was a long time ago, and we've talked through all that. But it's like.... hmm... if you watch Deal or No Deal, you know the part at the very end where there are only two cases left, and Howie gives the contestant the choice to ride out with their original case or switch with the one that's on the stage with the model. The contestant decides to keep her case, and when they open the one on the stage, it has the million dollars. And hers has the penny. One measly penny. One cent. And she had the choice to switch that would've given her one million dollars. Of course there was no way she could have known. No way she could have realized that all she had to do was make a different choice, and she would have her dream. Well, that's how I feel... I made the wrong choice.

So now what do I do? Because the choice is no longer mine alone. I need another chance. I need him to ask me the same question that he asked me a long time ago- if you didn't have him, would you want to be with me? And I need to ask him the same question he asked me- if he decided that he really did want to be with me, would I have him? Because the answer to my question is yes. I said no before, I said it was too late. But I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong. There are some less than ideal circumstances- no, there is ONE less than ideal circumstance. But it is what it is, and it doesn't have to matter. I made the wrong choice once. So... can I have another chance?