For Those Who Know Not and Know Not They Know Not

I always loved that phrase... it was slightly confusing, but when you break it down, it makes sense. So this post is for all those people out there who know not, but have no clue that they DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING!!!!!

Issue #1: My anonymous blog reader has reared her ugly head again **hey!!** In case you are the one who knows not, let me tell you: the 90 day rule only applies if you have taken the test and failed it. If you have never taken it (which I have not), then you take it whenever you want. Cool on that? Cool.

Issue #2: I was listening to 98.7 this past Sunday and Olivia McClurkin (Donnie's sister, I believe) was giving her testimony on the morning show about how she had survived stage IV cancer in six or seven locations in her body. She spoke about how every doctor told her that she had no hope and that there was nothing they could do. She spoke about the healing power of God and how He was telling her to stand through her adversity and that He would see her through. Then another woman called with her testimony. She used to be a police officer, but had to quit her job when she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer of the stomach lining, ovaries, uterua, Fallopian tubes, liver, and bone. She survived as well, and now there is no trace of cancer in her body. She said that God told her that while He wasn't "giving" her this disease, he was allowing her to live through it in order that others might learn from her struggle. He had faith in her ability to be strong and survive to tell of His wonders when she came out on the other side. So while I am listening to all of this, I am starting to tear up. It is alawys so powerful to hear stories of how people survive trmendous adversity with a positive attitude and no anger in their hearts. But what really made me cry when I stopped to think about it was this: what was so special about these people? Why did my mother - who was the best person I have ever (and might ever) known in my life - have to suffer and eventually lose her life to the very illness that these two women (and many others) survived? She had stage IV cancer also. The doctors told her that there was really nothing they could do. She struggled through chemo- and radiation therapies, she took all of the pain medications, she did everything she could. But she died. And that makes me angry. I know I'm not supposed to question God, but I just really don't understand. A third caller summed up everything I was feeling when she said that her had lost her mother to cancer and she could never understnd why God took her mother and spared so many others. She was asking Ms. McClurkin what she could say to those people out there who have sacrificed their loved ones to disease and illness. How do they (we) get past the pain and the anger when others are allowed to experience such joy? I really wanted to publish this post Sunday afternoon, but I was caught up with something else (which will be issue #3), so I'm just now getting around to it. But it just made me so sad.... my mother was such a phenomenal women. She never intentionally harmed anyone and would give her last breath to someone in need. Why didn't God choose her to tell His story? I'm struggling with that....

Issue #3: For those of you who read this blog on any type of consistent basis, you know that I am not entirely happy at my job. I haven't said much about it lately, but it really has become quite an ordeal. I was thinking about quitting for several months, but I didn't want to make such a huge decision while I was angry or disillusioned. Every few days I would make a list about the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. But most of all, I was spending that time trying to convince myself that I am not a failure. I chose to do this residency, I chose to live this life. So I felt like a bit of a quitter for considering the option of bailing on something that I CHOSE. But some advice from a very good friend put it all into perspective: "It's not quitting if it is what is best for you. It's not quitting if you've given it your all and can't see a difference. You don't want to leave because it's too hard or because you aren't up to the job. You want to leave because it's not what you signed up for. The program you wanted is not the program you got." And I realized that he was right. I don't dislike this program because they are asking for something from me that I am unable to give them. I am the best resident they have - I think so, and according to my managers, they think so too. But I didn't come all this way to sit beind a desk and shuffle papers. I don't want to be a manager. I want to be a pharmacist. So after months of thinking and praying, I have come to a decision. I am leaving my residency program. I spent all day Sunday looking for new job opportunities. Monday morning, I got a voicemail message from a recruiter wanting to set up an interview. Yesterday morning I went to the interview. Yesterday afternoon I got the job. Double my salary and half my hours. Less stress and more satisfaction. Less commute and more time to enjoy my new surroundings. I have never felt more free. At first I was worried about what other people would think. I can just imagine how much money Verizon Wireless is raking in as we speak as the haters (both known and anonymous) light up the airwaves with, "Did you hear that Monique got fired from her residency? Girl... she had a nervous breakdown and had to quit. Did you hear? Monique is such a loser!!" Well, if leaving a job that I hate for a job that I like means I'm a loser, then I'm good on that. If handing in my letter of resignation means that I got fired, then that's cool too. 'Cause I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And life has never been so sweet :)