Oh. I really miss her today. More today than yesterday. Hopefully more today than tomorrow. I miss her perfume. 360 by Perry Ellis (I think?). I miss her big brass bed with all of the pillows. I miss that raggedy blue scarf she tied over her rollers at night. Until she didn't need rollers anymore. Then she just went to sleep. I miss her flair, her style, her grace, her panache. Dana Buchman, Ellen Tracy, Ferragamo, Fendi. I miss seeing the shoe boxes in the kitchen cabinets and the purses in my old trophy case. I miss her jewelry cases full of big, bold earrings and chunky necklaces that somehow never overshadowed her petite frame. I miss her familiar phrases, her laugh which I almost can't hear anymore. I miss her discipline, even her anger. I miss her phone number, her voicemail, her address. I miss her car and her impossibly junky trunk. I miss her books and papers, knicknacks, and keepsakes. Her peace and faith. Her love and concern. Her determination.
Dammit. I miss her. It just makes me so sad sometimes. She would be so proud of me. And she would love him because he loves me. Crazy how it just sneaks up on me sometimes.
2 comments:
big hug homie. HUGE.
:-)
Its always the little things that become so much bigger after someone is gone. Suddenly, I couldn't stop thinking about how my grandma's middle fingers were crooked like mine, the sound of her laughter, the way she scooped her hair over her shoulder. But I think it's also those little things that hold those memories that to anyone else seem trivial. If nothing else, writing them down will make sure you never lose them. They're with you just as much as she is. For awhile after my grandma died, I kept a notebook where I'd jot down every random thought of her that crossed my mind. Even now when I go back and read it, it reminds me of things that I'd forgotten and makes me smile.
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