The End Result of Boredom in the Workplace

It's Sunday. I'm bored. Shouldn't I be at church? Thank you for asking! Yes, I should. But alas, I am shackled to the pharmacy counter. So since I am here and you are there, thereby making it functionally impossible for us to have any real fun, I've decided to make some lists. Now, before you say it, yes, I know that this is not an original idea. And yes I am aware that by listing for the next several hours, it may appear that I am swinging from the nuts of the most prolific writer of our time (La, in case you didn't get the memo), but I assure you: I am not. Just because we eat the same food, buy the same shoes, parent the same dog, utter the same ascerebic witty euphemisms, and generally are the same person doesn't NECESSARILY mean that we are lovah lovahs... Yeah, YOU **jabbing at the blogosphere** you out there with the lesbianic daydreams of X+La=endless hours of"personal time"... You know who you are. Besides, Tayqwan would sooooo hit a woman. **looking both ways for the locs so I can HAUL ASS!!!!**

Anyway.... The following is my own personal list of "Things You Should NOT Have Time to Do if Your Piece is in Town." Allow me to explain. Boo time is for three things: eating, drinking, and... well you know. This is especially true if said boo lives more than 100 miles away and must only make previously scheduled appearances. So if you are doing any of the following things (or hell, anything other than the aforementioned three things), then you are in violation.

1. Think that it's okay to try that new thing you saw in Hustler... whatever it may be. For the same reason that men should not be allowed to watch porn, thou shalt not violate this rule. I promise that if it doesn't land you with a strange feeling in your rear and an inexplicable scar on your back in the emergency room, you'll be lucky. Just say no to the last 5 pages of Hustler.

2. Decide that you want to become celibate for "religious reasons." This is the quickest way to guarantee that you'll be celibate for... I don't know EVER. No man (or hell, woman) is gonna travel more than an hour to see their S.O. and there isn't ass of some sort involved (still waiting for you to Facebook that one, love!). So send up a quick word to Jesus and then trim up them pubes... He understands that the flesh is weak!

3. Spend the entire time debating politics. This generally isn't the best idea under ordinary circumstances, but most definitely not during a once-a-month fuckfest gentle week-long lovemaking session. So unless Barack and Michelle will be joining you in the jacuzzi for a foursome (in which case I say debate ON!), keep the CNN to a minimum.

4. Forget to tell your OTHER significant other that you're unavailable for the weekend. Because nothing ruins a good salad tossing lovemaking session more than the untimely arrival of your in-town piece in a trench coat... especially if he/she enters with their own key. So to avoid bloodshed and inevitable trips to the county jail, handle yo handle.

5. Forget to take off work. That happened to me once, so I might be just a touch bitter. I went to see my S.O. for 10 days and he was on call for five (36 hour shifts). Nice, right? Ah well.... Fill out your paperwork.

6. Be out of town. Yeah... about that. "Babe I'm at the door- how come you're not answering?". "The door? To my house? In ________ (insert your town here). Umm... I'm in _________ (insert anywhere else)!"

7. Invite them to a meeting of your cult. Now this should be self explanatory, but I've found that usually people who are in a cult are resistant to such a label. So if your "pastor" insists that he be called "Daddy" by the membership and you're living in your car but Daddy has a house on the hill, perhaps you should revisit your church affiliation. And by NO MEANS should you subject your boo to such foolishness. Surely he/she will take exception to the fact that they caught you blowing Daddy paying your tithes in the back yard. I'm just sayin...

8. Take them to a gay club... Unless yall have already established that you're into all that. Cause while I might be the most open-minded chick in the game, you best believe that there is nothing sexy to me about every man in the place knowing you by your middle name!

9. Call/text/IM/go to visit your friends. If you wanna hang with your friends, send your boo home. Everybody who's anybody in your life knows you're boo'd up for the weekend.

Because like I said, if you aint eating, drinking, or _________ (insert your choice of pet name for sex), then YOU'RE IN VIOLATION!!!!