Man... I really don't know how I used to do it. I don't know if I never really had anything interesting to say before and I just faked it, or if my life USED to be interesting and now it's not. But every time I sit down in front of the computer to blog, this is what I hear...
**cricket cricket**
Plus nobody is really reading anymore anyway (thanks to my ridiculous three month hiatus), sooooo... I appealed to my funnier half (no really, she's like HALF of me, LOL) to supply me with some topics to blog about. And the first of these is:
5 Inappropriate Places I Think About Sex
1. The nail salon. Ridiculous, no? But seriously, think about it. If your nail salon is any good, you're all relaxed into this cushy chair, Ming Na has massaged your neck and shoulders to within an inch of orgasm, and then... then you hear the drill. Now if you haven't had any in a while like me, then the drill reminds you of vibrators. And vibrators remind you of.... SEX!!! I rest my case.
2. The Holland Tunnel. Honestly, the Holland (or the HELL-and as I like to call it) isn't really the place for any kind of momentary loss of concentration. One false move, and you've plowed into the side wall, and there are 8millions metric gallons of dirty Hudson River water pouring in to provide you with a watery grave (complete with rats to expedite the decay process). But forgive me, sometimes I can't help myself. I am stuck in traffic just inside the opening to the tunnel and my mind starts to wander... and if you know me AT ALL, you know that the first place it goes is to sex. **shrug** What??? The tunnel is a phallic symbol.
3. The grocery store. This should be pretty self explanatory.. all the cucumbers and bananas and... hold please.
**running off to take a cold shower**
Okay, I am back. Really, though. What is more inappropriate than pushing a grocery cart up and down the aisles of the A&P and having to brace yourself against the Glory Greens to ride out the shockwave of an orgasm memory? Exactly, nothing. Inappropriate.
4. GYN office. Now this place is just plain wrong. While one would think that simply being on the gynecologist's table with your pants off and your legs gaped open while your feet are held hostage in a pair of leather stirrups would automatically place your libido on "hibernate," there's always an oddball in the bunch. And nothing, I mean NOTHING spells inapporpriate like the doctor saying "okay now I am going to press down here" and your back arches up like an angry housecat. Please do not think about sex at the GYN.
5. Church. I am pretty sure that I am going to hell for this one, but honesty is the middle name of this blog (actually it's "Of a Professional," but whatever...) When the middle aged woman with the tambourine welded to her left palm suddnly jumps up in the middle of the sermon and yells "HALLELUJAH!!!" I bet yall thought she was filled with the Holy Ghost Yeah... no. Number one, she isn't middle aged, she's 31 (middle age starts at 35). Number two, she's only holding the tambo because it's real owner is SOOOOOO obnoxious with it. And number three, it isn't the Holy Ghost she's thinking about being filled with....
**heh heh heh**
Okay, that woman is me.
2 comments:
you need to stop!!
angry house cat got me tripping the fcuk out!!! LOLOL
and don't let the instrument be cold... ugh!
there's no wrong place to think about sex, save for a funeral and anywhere children are present (are you listening, R. Kelly?), but I can start thinking about who I'd like to get with and how I'd give said woman in my thoughts at the time the business no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I'm shameless, LOL
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