Today is an interesting day. A day that immediately follows a VERY interesting evening. No, to all of you out there (all THREE or FOUR of you!), there is no gossip on THAT front. But last night was an eye opener.
I was so angry for so long. I imagined all of the ways that you would eventually pay for what you did to me. All of the things you wanted but would never get. All of the people you would love who would never love you back. All of the successes that would be within your grasp, but would be just far enough away for you not to reach them. But then I realized something. You didn't do anything to me. You didn't hurt me. You didn't violate me. You didn't leave me. You were simply true to yourself, and for that I should be grateful. So now here we are some months later, and I am at peace. Sure, I think about you from time to time. Sure I call to see how you are even though you never call me back. Sure I wonder who you're with and whether she is making you happy. But it's always a passing thought. The thought is no longer accompanied by tears or regret. It is no longer a preface to a night of sadness and reflection. And then you call me. Twice. In one day. Once at home and once at work. Twice. In one day. After months of silence and unreturned messages. No "Merry Christmas, Mo" or "Happy New Year, mama!" Just silence. And then you call. Twice. In one day. To tell me that you're coming back. Not back to me. Not back to us. But you're coming back. I'll no longer be protected from you by three time zones and two busy careers. I'll no longer be able to think of you as being in another country because in my mind, you are so far away. You're coming back. But the biggest surprise of all: I didn't react. I did't leap for joy. I didn't shake in fear. I didn't cry about the possibilities. I simply didn't react. I see it for what it is. A move that has nothing to do with me, but that you just wanted to share because it's big news in your life. And I am grateful for that. I am glad that you called me because I really did want to hear your voice. I am glad that called me because I really did want to know how you were doing. I am glad that you called me because I wanted you to know that I am happy now. Really. I am glad that you called me because I didn't want to believe that a friendship like ours could just shrivel up and die just because "I love you" took on new meaning. So I am glad that you called. I have missed you. But now I am at peace. I love you. But now I am not longing for you. I want to see you again some day. But now I have no expectations. Travel safely and with Godspeed. And don't stay in Iraq too long. We need you here.
3 comments:
I enjoyed this post (as I do them all). I had a similar situation. Just when you get over someone and the thoughts of them dwindle, hear they come calling. It drives me up the wall, but it forces me to deal with my feelings head-on and move on. Good one.
you know what? i had to leave, let it marinate for a day and come back. b/c i was real pissed. then i saw iraq and got kind of scared (i'm real anti on the war b/c of the number of lives lost, etc) but i was still pissed. too many emotions. but you know what? that is growth and doesn't it feel great when its there for you? when you see where you were and where you can go? that's hot.
I woke up one morning and realized he wasn't the first thought on my mind. And when he was a thought at all, it was vague and fleeting. And then one day, I realized they came less and less. And then, not at all. It was like a rebirth. I felt brand new, light, free. And with that, he was gone.
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