Wanna Peek?

Saw this on another blog, and liked it. If you're not interested in the detaiils of my sex life, skip this post. But if you are (and you wanna play too)...

Copy this entire list to your blog. BOLD everything that is true about you. Leave plain anything that is not true about you. Put an asterisk next to anything you would like to be true. I can't do special fonts on my Sidekick, so bear with me :) (you'll probably have to reformat a bit)

HAVES
1. I sleep better after sex.
2. There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.
3. I like being choked during sex.
4. I have had phone sex.
5. I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
6. I have given/received a facial.
7. I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
8. I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
9. I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
10. I want to have sex with someone on my blogroll.
11. Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
12. I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
13. I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
14. I have had sex under water.
15. I have given sex as a gift.
16. I have made a video having sex.
17. I have taken nude pictures
18. I have had more than one partner in a 24 hour period
19. I have taken a trip longer than an hour just for a booty call

HAVE NOTS
1. I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
2. I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
3. I have had sex while watching porn.
4. I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
5. The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
6. I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
7. I have had sex knowning someone else was watching.
8. I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
9. I have had sex over a web cam.
10. I have had a one night stand.
11. I have been tied up during sex.
12. I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.
13. I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
14. I have a foot fetish.
15. I have a leather fetish.
16. I have a tickle fetish.
17. I enjoy nudie magazines.
18. Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
19. I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
20. I have clicked on porn links in my email.
21. Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.
22. My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.
23. I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
24. I have had sex in the snow.
25. I am in a polyamorous relationship.
26. I have to have music playing while having sex.
27. I have flashed strangers.
28. I have set-up a three-way for my lover.

WOULD LOVE TO'S
1. I am a member of the Mile-High Club.
2. I stopped during this list to have sex.
3. I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
4. I have had sex at my place of employment.
5. I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
6. I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
7. I have watched a couple have sex.

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

Many of you were around last November when I met the Bishop (I'd put the link here, but TMobile says "be thankful you're blogging at all, picky bitch"). Well, now here we are 8 months (and 8 days) after our first date, still laughing at each others' silliness and planning our lives together. And none of this would be if it weren't for today. On July 27, 2006, the love of my life lost the love of his. Forever. She was here one minute and the next, she was gone. After 14 months of marriage and a week after a cruise to celebrate their first anniversary, she was gone.

When I met him, he seemed okay on the outside. But it was in those quiet minutes between laughs that never really reached his eyes that I could see how deep his pain was. He was determined not to let the loss of her life mean the loss of his, but he just seemed so... shook. So I heard him claim to want to date me with my ears, but pushed him away with my heart. He wasn't ready. It was too soon. What would people say? Time and prayer have shown me that people enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, and whatever God's plan was for their marriage, He had a different plan for me.

And so now it is July 27, 2007. What a difference a year makes. Now he laughs with his eyes. Now he says her name and he doesn't tense up or look away. Now he visits a little less ooften and returns a little less burdened. Now he says "when" instead of "if." I still see her picture. She still lives in his heart. But I finally realize now that so do I, and there's room for both of us. So rest in peace, SJB. I know you loved him first, and I can only hope that you too have found peace in Bishop's new life. He's happy again, but not because of me. I've been here and I've loved him through his journey, but you gave him what he needed to be the man who stands on his own today.

On the Drive to Work

Yeah, okay. So I'm late on this too, but so what? But the "Same Girl" remix feat. T Pain, though? WOW. I just... I just can't.

So everyone's favorite party girl, Lindsay Lohan got arrested AGAIN for DUI and cocaine possession (sorry again, newsies, but I work nights and NEVER stuff like the Today Show). But what I LOVE about this story is that when they pulled her over and questioned her about the cocaine (that incidentally was in HER pocket!!), she said, "it isn't mine." **SIGH**

Hahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!

That is SO gangsta... I just love it to pieces. That girl has a serious problem. It would be sad if it weren't so damn funny. Hahahahahahahah! It wasn't mine. Hahahahahahahah! I'm pregnant. But its not my baby... even though you found it nestled comfortably and afloat in my uterus. Again, hahahahahahahahahah!

That is all.

TMI Thursday (cause I'm always a step behind)

As usual, I grabbed this from someone else. Think I'ma make it a regular.

1. Lace or silk?
Lace. I just think it's so sexy to look at. But silk feels so good on my skin :)

2. Do you subscribe to (or regularly buy) any "dirty" magazines? Which ones?
No ma'am. I just always thought they were silly.

3. Have you ever had sex in the water (tub/pool/lake/ocean)?
Oh yes, if the shower counts. But I didn't enjoy it much. A Black woman and her hair in a hot ass shower? Not so much...

4. The three words that best describe you in bed are...
Loud, passive, insatiable.

5. The three words that best describe your most recent partner in bed are...
Strong, complete, INSATIABLE.

6. Did you lose your virginity as an impetuous youth, "to prove that you loved him," because of a romantic gesture, a newlywed, or other?
Other. It was my 20th birthday and I was tired of being a loser.

****BONUS ROUND****

Name three words that:
Get you excited: baby turn over
Make you squirm: it won't hurt
Make you laugh: dammit Anna Mae!!

A Change Gon' Come

Throwback song for yall who insist that I'm so old :)

I don't really want to go too deep into this, but I need a new wind to blow through my life. Things haven't been going too great for someone close to me, and I just hope that our prayers are answered soon. God never gives you more than you can handle, but sometimes it's so hard to remember that! I feel like something really good is just around the corner, so... we'll see.

2:34 a.m.

Boredom. Breeds random thought. I'm really starting to think that I'm schizophrenic. Fifteen minutes ago, I was crying and blowing my nose into some cheap ass store supplied tissue. Now I'm just fighting sleep. So here are the words of a sleep-deprived pharmacist.

* If the sign says "please come inside," why, then, do you insist on sitting in your car in the drive thru and pushing the button? I'm not coming! Bring your lazy ass INSIDE!!
* How do I stop being such a distrustful and suspicious person? How do I stop my mind from wandering to that place just because he's not answering his phone?
* I can't wait to get married and have a baby. I always laughed at the dumbass idea of some biological clock ticking away, but I repent. I hear it. Daily. And La, if that means that I'm swapping cookie recipes and camping out for the 2013 version of Harry Potter, then so be it :)
* I want a new car. Actually, I'd prefer a truck. Just something to outwardly reflect the way I feel when I'm driviing. Thirty. Beautiful. Successful. Fly.
* I love him. And I'm really starting to have faith that he loves me too. I think we're going to make it.
* I can't wait until September when school starts. Little Miss "I'm 13 now" is about to get WRECKED. I mean I'm going into that school like a one woman wrecking crew. Eighth grade is gonna feel like educational boot camp before I'm done!
* I really hope Bishop understands how important my birthday is this year. I don't care what the gift is, I just want him to make a fuss.
* Women are bitches. More on that later if my thumbs don't get too tired.
* No, I haven't forgotten about updating the great adoption saga. There just hasn't been any more news.
* If you were so irresponsible as to wait until the night before you leave the country to refill your asthma medication that has run out of refills and needs a doctor's approval, then yes, you do deserve to die over there. I'l send flowers on behalf of CVS.
* Butchy lesbians simply are not sexy. Ever.

Memories

Oh. I really miss her today. More today than yesterday. Hopefully more today than tomorrow. I miss her perfume. 360 by Perry Ellis (I think?). I miss her big brass bed with all of the pillows. I miss that raggedy blue scarf she tied over her rollers at night. Until she didn't need rollers anymore. Then she just went to sleep. I miss her flair, her style, her grace, her panache. Dana Buchman, Ellen Tracy, Ferragamo, Fendi. I miss seeing the shoe boxes in the kitchen cabinets and the purses in my old trophy case. I miss her jewelry cases full of big, bold earrings and chunky necklaces that somehow never overshadowed her petite frame. I miss her familiar phrases, her laugh which I almost can't hear anymore. I miss her discipline, even her anger. I miss her phone number, her voicemail, her address. I miss her car and her impossibly junky trunk. I miss her books and papers, knicknacks, and keepsakes. Her peace and faith. Her love and concern. Her determination.

Dammit. I miss her. It just makes me so sad sometimes. She would be so proud of me. And she would love him because he loves me. Crazy how it just sneaks up on me sometimes.

I'ma Hit This Bitch with My Umbrella ella ella

So today is not starting off well. I had an 8 o'clock hair appointment in the city today. I stayed up until 3 a.m. this morning watching "Apocalypto" (great flick, by the way), and I was supposed to get up by 5 to catch the train (SO didn't happen!). I ended up having to drive in which took an hour, and then I paid $18 to park my car. So when I casually saunter up to the salon (which I had been calling since 7:45 with no answer), I ring the buzzer and.... no answer. I call again. No answer. I walk across the street to buy some tea and fruit. I walk back to ring the buzzer again. No answer again. I call Tina's (my stylist) cell. No answer. I leave a very puzzled message. Finally at 9:30 she calls me back and says that there must be some mixup because I'm not on the book for today. **1st trimester pregnant pause**

WHAT??????? How could I not be on the book if I got not one, but TWO voicemails confirming my appointment? Okay, fine. So what can we do about YOUR RECEPTIONIST'S screw up? Apparently nothing because Tina has an emergency with her daughter and is actually cancelling all of today's appointments anyway. **second trimester pregnant pause**

WHAT??????? I have two dates this week and only one more day off. My hair hasn't SEEN the inside of the Tina Pearson Salon in four weeks. I had a specific (and very jazzy, I might add) hairstyle in mind that only Tina can accomplish. And she's not coming in? **sigh** But she offers to have her assistant do it for me since she's due in at any minute (did I fail to mention that all of this is taking place as I stand perched on the very busy, noisy, and CREMATORIUM-ishly hot corner of 65th Street and Lexington Avenue? Riiiiight.). **third trimester pregnant pause**

And so here we are. I am getting the same old tired straight Rihanna-esque bob hairstyle that I've been rocking (albeit very stylishly) for the last two months. What a waste of a perfectly good, well planned out, beautiful day.

Fuck.

Hey- It Beats Selling Ass on St. Georges Avenue

I think the nightshift has finally gotten me. I just agreed to the craziest shit I have ever heard in my life. For the month of August, I will be working 12 nights in a row with two days off. Then work another 12 nights. Yes, folks. 24 nights with 2 nights off. The whole month. **sigh** All this because a girl needs to pay some bills! This blogging from my Sidekick and missing Soapnet ish because my cable bill is stupidly high has got to stop. So 24 nights. One weekend off. $10,000. I must be high. Jesus wept (sorry, Victoria, but that is just too funny not to copy!).

Over the River and Through the Woods... and the Swamp and the Interstate and...

Last week was my week off, so I got the brilliant idea to take a road trip with my honey and his daughter. **sigh** and so it begins.

We left Monday morning when I got off at 11 a.m. I had just worked a 12 hour overnight shift @ CVS and was WAY too tired for any bullshit. Thirteen hours later we get to Jacksonville, Florida and I am already trying to resist the urge to walk to the airport and book the first thing northbound. It is raining and it is 4500 degrees and there are gators (cause in Floriday they can't possibly be "alligators") ambling slowly across the street at every corner. Emani is driving me BATSHIT with her "are we there yet?" foolishness because she just can't bear the idea that her father is paying attention to me and not her. And I am TIRED. Tuesday morning we go to Clearwater to drop Mani off at her mother's house. **wow**

Myra is 41 years old with a 24-year-old daughter, an 18-month-old grandson, a fiance but no engagement ring, three ex-husbands, and PLATINUM BLONDE MICROBRAIDS. **wow** She opens the door with, "Hi! I'm Emani's mom!" You're kidding.... I really had NO IDEA where we were leaving my boyfriend's daughter to spend the summer **duh**

We got back to Eric's twin's house in Jacksonville at 2:30 a.m. where we were greeted with her husband's cousin, his wife, and their two HOLLERIN children. At 2:30 in the morning. When I was trying to sleep. Riiiiiight. Wednesday afternoon we wake up and leave for his parents' house in Savannah. They were in California and so we were going to stay at their house for the rest of the week. But wait!!!! Bishop left they key in New Jersey. NEW JERSEY. Not Georgia. So we have to stay with his uncle and his new wife. YEAH!!! I got to spend the whitest holiday of the year standing outside in 7600 degree heat with 99% humidity watching colored fireballs in the sky. DOUBLE YEAH!!!

Thursday we went sightseeing in Savannah along the riverfront and... **this is for you, Jam** we ate at Lady and Sons. PAULA DEAN!!!! TRIPLE YEAH!!!!!

Friday morning we drove up to NC, then Friday night to Hampton. Saturday morning we drove to Kings Dominion. Sunday morning at 3 a.m. we got back to Jersey. And Monday night at 7 p.m. I came back to CVS to start it all again. QUADRUPLE YEAH!!!!

This One's Gonna Sting A Bit

Sweeeeeeeeet!!!! I'm back in there. Blogger and Tmobile have finally seen fit (for who knows how long) to allow me to blog again. I lost a VERY long, detailed post about the great adoption update, and I have NO recollection of what all was in it. So I'm gonna take this one in a very different direction. True story, pt. 1.

"Sorry 4 the random text. But there's some stuff I gotta tell u. Are u busy?"
"No. What's up?"
"Ok..... what happened?"
"What happened with what?"
"Um, I guess us. What happened with us? One minute everything is going fine and then..."
"I mean I just figured that you were going through one of your usual things where you were mad at me and it would blow over. But I called several times and you never called me back, so I figured I'd wait you out a bit."
"That's because I deleted your number from my phone."
"You did WHAT? But I didn't do anything to you! Why would you do me like that?"
"Listen, okay? A nigga was tryin to heal. I was a little bitter."
**sigh**
"I never meant to hurt you. I apologize if I did. I didn't realize."
"Its nothing to apologize 4. I guess I just want to know what convinced u I wasn't the one 4 u and he was. I just wanna be friends. I guess I'm looking for closure."
"YOU convinced me. You said you didn't want me. You said we were just cool. And to be honest, I kept trying to make you see me as something more. It wasn't until you chose to..... with Lady of Rage instead of..... during..... weekend that I realized that you didn't care about me and he did. So I gave him a chance."
"So basically I pushed you straight into that nigga's arms? I delivered you right to him. DAMMIT! I guess I never took the relationship seriously."

Who Am I?

You are tall like me. We both have long thick hair. My eyes are brown too. Are you her? Basketball? That's my favorite sport also. Size 11? Yeah, my feet are pretty big. Are you him? You laugh like me. I danced when I was younger too. Do you have a sister? Maybe... nah, couldn't be.

I was always loved and cherished and spoiled and beholden. At least at home I was. I never felt less than or different or out of place. At least not while I was at home. My aunt never quite treated me equally, though. She was always trying to undermine my family relationships. She was always trying to downplay my accomplishments. She was always jealous. She always tried to pass that on to her daughter as well. And for a while it worked. For a while I fought my mother. For a while I allowed my aunt's hatred to infiltrate me. I doubted my mother, I shut her out, I ran away. But I always came back. And eventually, we won. We survived. We laughed. We loved. Each other. Deeply. I was hers. HERS. Not the adopted child of another. Hers.

But now there's news. "Those" people are more than just an abstract concept. They know me. They've watched me grow. We've crossed paths. They live in Hampton Roads too. Just like me. But I don't know them. Watching me. Learning about me. But never approaching me. How? Why? And now my mother is gone. But still nothing. No words. No letters. No unknown people at the funeral. Who are these people? Do I know them like they apparently know me?

Well I'm on a mission to find some answers. By this afternoon, I need to know. And I know just who to ask. So... stay tuned, I guess.

Hodgepodge

So I'm bored to death. Literally to death. I'm actually in a coma right now, but I'm still able to blog because I'm just that hot. I apologize in advance for the randomness of this post, but I'm sleepy.

Joy, sorry about not getting back to you with that post about the tattoo yet. My internet is out, so I'm blogging from the Sidekick and my pictures are on my computer. Hopefully I'll be up soon.

The DMV is the devil. Just found out that my license is suspended in not one, but TWO states. Goody. So now I have to pay almost $650 to get that bitch reinstated. Double goody.

Not too much longer on this night shift. CVS never pays me correctly and I'm turning into a vampire. So I posted my CV online and am seriously considering an offer I got yesterday to go back home and work for Walgreens. A bitch is tired and I need sunlight before I become tranparent!

How come people don't call you back when you KNOW they see your number on their missed calls list? And then when you ask them whether they've gotten your messages, they say, "um yeahhh... just been busy, man." Okay. I get it. I've been replaced.

Why is family such a heartache? No... that's my next post. Maybe around 5 a.m.

I love him to pieces. But I would like to choke his daughter out from time to time. Why does a 13-year-old have a myspace page saying she's 17? And why does said 13-year-old get a phone call on her cell at 12:19 a.m.? FROM A BOY? And why do I have to physically restrain him from slapping her off the 3rd floor balcony while he's yelling, "I will NOT have a fast ass daughter!" Whew! Messing up my fresh manicure and whatnot...

Maybe more later. I have a customer. **smooches**

Jarrod's Turn

1. If you couldn't express yourself with words, what you use?
Oooh. That's a good one, J. To know me is to know that I am HEAVILY dependent on words, written and spoken. But if I couldn't use them, I would use... you're killing me. I have no idea. Sign language, maybe? I'm a loser :(

2. You wake up and you're dead broke. Who do you call?
Bishop. I know he has my back.

3. Which of the five senses could you do without?
Smell. Who needs it? So many odors are unpleasant that I could DEFINITELY do without my sense of smell. I need my sense of touch because I'm such a touchy feely girl. Sight of course because I just can't imagine not seeing the people and things that I love. Hearing I need because I am just so damn nosey :) And taste. Well... you know.

4. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to admit to someone?
Man, honey. You're really in the mix on this one. Umm... that I was pregnant.

5. Is Ne-Yo's album really that bad?
Um... it so is. And I'm out. But before I do, can you PLEASE answer my questions?

Jameil Walters, Pt. 2

Okay. So after I picked up my face and reapplied it to my head from reading the lovely Jameil's blog, I realized that I need to answer her follow-up questions.

1. What is your goal for your life?
Well... I want to be happy. A long time ago, I thought that meant wealth and "stuff." But after personal loss and reevaluation of my priorities, now all I want is love. I want to be a wife and mother. Period.

2. What would you consider personal/professional achievements?
Personal - see #1. I want to live the kind of life that would make my mother proud. Professional - I want to find my niche in pharmacy. Hopefully consulting for a large company. I just want people in my field to think of me and say, "she's on her game."

3. When Garfield broke up with you, did you think that you would never get married?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely yes. He was the love of my life. I prayed for him. When he made the choice to move forward, I was devastated because I saw my future in his eyes. I was CONVINCED that I would never get married. But now.... it's all good.

After Much Ado.... The Boonopolis

My God, I am OD'ing on blogger today. I really need to be in the bed right now because I haven't slept in almost 40 hours. But I wanted to FINALLY give a face to a name. Here are some pictures of Bishop. Shout out to my boonopolis, sigh.

Interview by Lala La La La La

Oh Lord, I'm mixing that Rihanna song into my life again! DAYUM La!!! Were you monitoring my phone call last night? I was just having a conversation with a very good friend, and some of these EXACT topics came up! But I love it.... no offense, Jam, but I was kinda hoping for some more personal questions from you! Here we go...

1. What was the exact moment you realized you were in love with your current boonopolis?
My "current boonopolis?" Girl, are you high? When was that exact moment? I would love to say something terribly cheesy and romantic like I knew from the moment that I saw him, but that would be some bullshit. It was really rather basic. He asked me if I loved him, and I realized right in that very moment that I did. It wasn't that I hadn't thought about it before, but it wasn't until I heard him ask the question that I knew the answer.

2. What made you wanna be a pharmacist?
I actually never wanted to be a pharmacist :) I always wanted to be a doctor and never really thought about anything else. I was a premed major when I was in undergrad and then went straight to medical school. I just wasn't ready to be there and I did terribly. So I took some time off to reevaluate my options. Several of the girls that I had become friends with down in Chapel Hill were in pharmacy school there, and that planted the seed. I still didn't really want to do it because all I knew about being a pharmacist was counting by fives. But I really didn't have any other options that would keep me close to my original plan, so my mother suggested I apply to Hampton, and the rest is.....

3. Since we've been talking about Greek affiliations, correct me if I'm wrong but you're a Delta right? What made you choose DST?
You are ABSOLUJTELY right, I a Delta. Like so many other people, every woman in my family with whom I have any kind of a relationship is a Delta. I spent my childhood sitting in the back of her chapter and committee meetings when there was no babysitter, and all of her chapter Sorors used to call me "Sahrah Monique." So it seemed natural to want to go that route, but believe it or not, I did actually read up on the other organizations. Then I waited until my senion year and took the plunge.

4. This may sound like a stupid question but hear me out: are there times that you wish your mother hadn't passed away? Or has the experience been necessary to shaping you into the woman you are?
I wish that every day. But I also realize every day that it was necessary for me to grow up. I was a baby - mommy's baby- for my entire life. A lot of it was her and how overprotective she was, but it was also me. I loved being around her all the time, I throved on the constant pressure and encouragement from her... I just wanted to please her. But it wasn't until she died that I began to realize FOR REAL that I had to start living for myself. Thinking about it more, I realize that I don't actualy wish that she hadn't passed away because then that would mean that she would still be here in pain. She lived her life. She accomplished so many things and was loved by so many people. But most of all, she loved me, and I took that and moved forward. Dammit girl.... I was doing so good with this, now I'm all teary and stuff!

5. What prompted you to start blogging?
I met a guy that I liked and he had a blog. One day he let me read it (I don't remember how we got on that topic), and I liked the idea. I already loved to write, so I saw it as an opportunity to air my thoughts out without actually seeing the people who were reading it. I got hooked, so thanks PYT :)

************************************************************************************
I'm loving this interview thing... anybody else????

Interview with a Vampire

Damn, I can be so clever sometimes! Here are my responses to Jameil's interview questions (see her blog for details) at 5:46 a.m.... I'm doing this from my Sidekick, so I can't see the original wording of the questions and I'm paraphrasing. Hope that's cool.

1. What's the craziest thing you've ever done?Oh, you mean besides saying yes to this damn job? Well, I would tell you, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

2. You get on a plane. Where do you go?Bora Bora. I am DYING to go there, but I'm trying to hold out for a really fabulous honeymoon.

3. You don't say much about your dad. What's your relationship with him?My mom adopted me when she was 34 (1977) and single. So by the time she met (1981ish) and married (1984) my dad, we were already Thelma and Louise. Plus my dad has always worked these crazy third shifts, so we only saw each other when he picked me up from school or on the weekends. He was always the more lenient parent and the one who always gave up the money. We're cool. He takes care of things and I appreciate him for that.

4. Last year, Hampton's Homecoming sucked. If you go this year, how would you make it better?
From what I understand, doesn't it ALWAYS suck? I have never really done the homecoming thing from either a student or an alumna perspective because I grew up there. My mom and I were huge football fans, so we'd go to the bazaar, tailgate, go to the game, then roll out. Even now, that's all I really do. I wasn't an undergrad there, so I don't really go to catch up with people. And the parties... not for me. Sorry! I'm such a lame :(

5. Which stores do you shop at? If you had unlimited, which ones would you hit up?
My favorites right now are Banana Republic, H&M, ann Taylor, Nine West, and Nordstrom, Whole Foods, and Stop 'n Shop (ever the foodie!). If I were wealthy? My goodness... Bergdorf Goodman's, Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales, Tiffany, Bottega Veneta, Gucci, Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Jimmy Choo, Cartier. Fendi... I'm CLEARLY a bit of a label whore, but the last six are strictly for accessories and shoes :)

If you want to get in on this interview thing, post your 5 in a comment, and I'll get right back to ya!

Jiggy? Maybe Not So Much

The barbecue... boo hiss. And that's all I have to say about that. Well maybe not all I'm gonna say, but... man. You can take the boogers out the hood, but you most definitely CANNOT take the hood out the boogers! Thanks to Bishop's cousin Greg for geting us on the guest list for such an affair as this. Okay, let's backtrack.

The Smith's live in Brynmawr, PA. Lovely house, PHENOMENAL property... maybe five acres of beautiful green grass, trees, tennis court, pool, basketball court, and stream separating them from the neighbors. The front gate is up on a hill, so you go down into the property. They had private massage tables set up in this gazebo and a woman doing facials, manicures, and pedicures by the pool. There was a tattoo artist also (real needles, folks). One of Will's sisters was the official hostess of the barbecue... whew! And moving on. Every hoodtastic friend she has met in her trek from West Philadelphia born and raised was there... EVERY one. But no Will and no Jada. Bar and food set up on the tennis court. Agaiin, no Will and Jada. **WAHHHHHH**

But the part that I saved for the end (and BY FAR the most remarkable) was this. There was a woman walking around with these long Patra braids. She was really skinny with capri pants and a tshirt. Nothing crazy here, right? Oh yeah- forgot to mention that she was wearing lucite heels and swinging from a pole. A POLE, people! At Will and Jada's house. Outside. In the backyard. Yeah. She was giving lessons on pole dancing and the fine art of the lapdance. **SIGH** No, I did NOT partake, before yall's silly asses even ask.

So after about two hours of barbecuing with nobody more famous than Cristal (like the champagne) the aforementioned "dancer" and Chris Paul the NBA player, Bishop and I decided to call it a day. As we're hiking up the hill to the street, lo and behold a Mercedes S550 and a Range Rover appear at the gate. "Honey," I say. "Let's see what other coonery might be arriving." So we wait and we FINALLY get our Black star power in the form of Tisha Campbell, Duane Martin, Lisa Raye. Will, and Jada. They get out and come over to greet the remaining few people there who weren't family. Jada and Will are CRAZY cool. Very casual and VERY much in love. It was a good vibe all around. They invited us in for drinks (it was getting dark out), so we got a chance to hang out for a second. Greg had to leave, and we didn't want to look like the losers who won't leave, so we left too.

And that, my children, was the barbecue.

Back on the Scene Crispy and Clean

I am such a slacker. I realized this as I was reacquainting myself with my blog family. Couples have broken up, people have new jobs, vacations have been taken... man, I am out of touch. But like I said earlier in the week, I'm back. With a vengeance. So if you start reading posts about the world's most random things, blame it on my need to really get back to blogging. Cuz I missed yall, man!

I started doing Grateful Wednesdays because I saw it somewhere and loved the idea. I'm bringing it back, but I'm also realizing that expressing gratitude ahouldnt be limited to just one day. So today I am grateful for...

My life, lately more than usual. Life is just so short, ya know? Gotta grab onto it.

Whoever it was that wised up and sent Paris Hilton back to jail. What a ripoff, right? "Medical issue," my ass. That bitch was scared of jail! Period.

The fact that my car is still running. Man, I REALLY need to take it in for some maintenance before it quits on me. Come on, September. I need a new ride!

Knowing somebody who knows somebody. That secondhand connection never fails to come in handy.

My love. I had forgotten what it was like to love and be loved like this. As La (I think it was) said recently, that Sunday kind of love. It's special. Difficult sometimes. Complicated at others. But it's love. He's my love. And I love him.

P.S. Has anyone else heard the remix of Rihanna's "Umbrella" with Chris Brown called "Cinderella?" Ella ella ella ay ay ay...... **SIGH.** I'm addicted to singing that and I don't even like the song really. "You can be my Cinderella under my umbrella. Ella ella ella ay ay ay." **Double sigh**

Gettin Jiggy Wit It

First off, PYT please turn off your hate sensor. This is for those who aren't yet familiar with how I plan to spend my Sunday afternoon. Now I realize that some may not be terribly impressed by my plans because they won't see the big deal. Others will feel that by blogging about this that I am showing off. Well, boo to both groups. It is and I am. So with that said..... I'ma break to the crib to change my clothes once more cuz I'm invited to a barbecue that starts at four.
If you're a woman or man of a certain age like myself, then you'll realize that that means I'm going to eat hot links and potato salad at Will Smith's house. YES!!!!! After I was JUST saying the other day how I need a famous person to have my number saved in their cell phone... I'm going to a cookout at the Fresh Prince's house! Yall know I'm starstruck, so I'm SUPER geeked. So now I'm off to find something to wear that doesn't scream H&M or Banana Republic, but also doesn't cause me to have to work an extra week to pay for it.
I. Am. So. Damn. Excited. Nananananana... gettin jiggy wit it :)

It's Too Damn Late

Nobody should ever be up this late and be required to be at an actual place of business! It is 2:35 in the morning and I am at the good CVS. I'm supposed to be off this week, but trying to be nice to someone (and needing the money), I agreed to cover their shift. So now I'm on the phone with a former classmate and fellow CVS employee, reminscing and simultaneously reintroducing you guys into what's going on in my life.
So I have been inspired by the growth of others, and I decided to get back on the wagon. I've said it before, but this time its on the level... I'm back. I've been busy with work, but even busier with.... ladies, are you ready? Falling in love. **twinkle, sparkle** Yes, it's true. Visions of weddings and honeymoons and houses and babies are dancing through my head. I haven't really said much about my new relationship because I was afraid to jinx it. Only now have I achieved some level of comfort where I feel good about sharing details of my personal life without worrying about some stupid anonymous blogger saying some hurtful bullshit.
So, you heard it here first: I am finally in love again. And it's sooooooo good (except when it's not!). Things have worked out with the Bishop wayyy better than I thought they would. He's eight years older than me, so that brings with it a whole new set of stuff. He can be QUITE set in his ways and sometimes I want to STRANGLE him! But he's teaching me how to communicate on a completely different level.
So I'm back. I'm working. I'm tired. But I'm in loooooooovvvvvve :) Smooches!!!!

Tuesday... Off Work and Loving It!!

For the record, I just want to let it be known that I am SO in love with being a pharmacist! Not the job so much, but th freedom that it brings with it. Do you know how good it feels to stop at the gas station and say "you can just fill it up, please" instead of, "umm... can I get 12.00 of regular?" Or waking up in the morning and knowing that you really don't have to face another day of doing scut work and getting yelled at by angry Hispanic people who have no desire to learn the King's English. Ahhhh... I's free now!!!!

But really, though... being a licensed pharmacist has brought a whole new dimension of peace to my life. I actually understand why I spent four years of my life in an overcrowded room with haters and bitches only to get out and make the professional equivalent of minimum wage. Now I smile when I think about pay day, not because I already have the money spent in my mind on rent and electric bill, but because I will actually have some money left in my account after I pay the bills. Wooosahhhhhhhhh... life is good.

Too Legit to Quit, Hey HEY!!!!!!!!

Hey guys, long time, no see...... I have been MIA because I have been crazy stressed out, but you will be pleased to know that I am finally, FINALLY licensed. You are reading the words of an official, legal, licensed in the state of New Jersey as a pharmacist. YIPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am no longer workin dirty :) I am the new overnight pharmacist at CVS in Rahway, New Jersey. So gone are the days of the overworked pharmacy student, the overstressed pharmacy resident, the angry and confrontational graduate intern. I'm in charge, bitches, so look out...............

Writing Again

I am watching you from across the room. You don't see me seeing you, but I am. I am seeing you from a different perspective. Not that of a casual person who is looking at another person. Not the perspective of an interested party observing the behavior of another. But as a woman looking at a man. Just that. Not a woman who is looking at a man hoping that he is looking at her. Not a woman looking at a man
trying to figure out what he is thinking. Just a woman looking at a man. Looking at him. Watching him. Connecting to him. And I see strength and perseverance and determination and pain and loss and sadness and weariness and struggle and disappointment and burden and strain. I see love and laughter and tenderness and gentleness and understanding and comprehension and awareness and just that intangible
thing that I call, "Oh yeah... I get it!" I am watching you from across the room.

I am thinking. Thinking myself into a migraine sometimes. What if he doesn't like me? What if I am not enough? What if I can't compete? What if I don't fit? What if I can't do it? What if I don't make it? What if I'm not supposed to? I think about that stuff. I think about what she would want. I think about whether or not she would approve. I think about how she feels. I think about whether we are hurting her. I think about whether or not we are hurting you. I am thinking. About. You.

I am remembering. Remembering the bad things that have happened. Remembering the taste of my tears... the taste of failure and regret and sadness and pain and loneliness and broken hearts and lies and deceit and unfulfilled promises. I am remembering those things because I want to feel them as a reminder to never make those mistakes again. To never fall for those people again. To never get involved
in those situations again. I am remembering the good things that have happened. Remembering the images of happiness... the images of laughter and love and smiles and kisses and support and hands and arms and fingers and lips and shoulders. I am remembering everything in between. Remembering her face when she said I love you. I am remembering her strength when she delivered the news. I am remembering her tears when she said that she would never leave me even though she knew it couldn't possibly be true. I am remembering her resolve and her courage and her fire and her determination and her resolve and her love and her life. I am remembering all of those things because all of those things are a part of me. I am remembering.

I am feeling so many things. I am feeling so many things that I feel full. Feeling challenged and questioned and motivated and pushed and supported. Feeling hope and optimism and impatience and antsy and nervous and sprung. Feeling frustration and anger and even rage every now and then. Feeling watched and judged and analyzed and maybe even a little disliked sometimes. I am feeling everything. I am feeling
you.

I am waiting for you. Waiting for you to understand. Waiting for you to get it. Waiting for you to be okay. Waiting for you to believe. Waiting for you to accept. Waiting for you to feel. Waiting for your laughter to finally reach your eyes. Waiting for your hands to really touch me. Waiting for your eyes to really see me. Waiting for you to know like I know. Waiting for you to fold up the barriers. Waiting for you to unlock the doors. Waiting for you to tell me even though you think you're already showing me. Waiting for the right time. Not when she is ready, not when they are ready. Waiting for you to be ready. Waiting for you to trust. Waiting for you to let me. Waiting for you to finish so we can start. I am waiting for you.

I am wanting. Wanting everything to be alright. For you. I am wanting you to want me. I am wanting you to watch me. Think about me. Remember me. Feel me. Wait for me. Want me. So...... do you?

Cinco de February-o

Remember when I would be bored at work during the weekend and post like fifteen times in one day? Well, this one's for you Jameil. Here are five things that you don't know (at least I hope you don't know) about me.

1. I want to get married in the next two or three years. I guess it probably makes sense if you know how old I am, but lately, I have really been feeling that pull.

2. I think Barack Obama is on CRACK for announcing his desire to run for President. Now before I start getting all this hate mail, let me explain. I am all for a Black man running for President of the United States. And not only that, I think Obama could potentially be that man. But I just don't think that he's ready. I honestly believe that he needs to wait it out until 2012 and regroup. Not because I think our country isn't ready for a Black President, but because I don't think that Barack is ready to be that President.

3. I am a little bit psychic. Not in a "CALL ME NOW!!!" Ms. Cleo kind of way, but sometimes I have dreams and a few days later, they come true. Every now and then I just have these really vivid dreams that play out in excruciating detail, and then before I know it, it happens exactly the way I dreamt it.

4. I'm afraid of bridges. Tall or short, long or short, bridges over water scare the LIFE out of me. When I was little I used to have these dreams where my parents got in an accident and drove off the Hampton Roads Bridge. Ever since then, I have been crazy afraid of bridges. And it's crazy because I spent most of my life in a place where I had to travel over them to get practically anywhere and now I live in New Jersey. Bridge capital of the PLANET. Sigh...

5. Ooh I think I like him!!!! Enough of that.

New Post

Okay, okay. When a perfect stranger tells you that it's time for a new post, then dammit, I guess it's time! Hey yall.... long time, no see. All is well here in Jersey except for the fact that the damn "no traction" light in my car keeps coming on like I don't know that my tires are bald as a baby's ass and they are forecasting more snow and freezing rain like I drive a Hummer instead of a goddam Saturn and tomorrow is Valentine's Day and Bishop has completely forgotten and I forgot to get something for his daughter and my feet are THROBBING from working nonstop and.... WHEW. I had to take a breath. That was really it, but my face was turning blue from the run on sentence. But on the real... all is well. Those of you who are regular readers or at least who WERE before I climbed under my rock) know that I haven't really said much about Bishop lately. I have been biding my time; trying to figure out how much (if any) I really like him and whether or not he likes me. Well, we've settled the argument. Yes to the former and double yes to the latter. If you read the post about our first date, you know that I was wrestling with some things about him that I wasn't too sure out. But some time has passed and here we are. I think that Bishop actually gets me, and for the first time in a long time, that doesn't scare me. I used to go through this whole thing where I tried to make myself seem more complicated than I really was because I wanted a man to "figure me out." Whatever. He gets me and he likes me anyway. Now THAT is a good thing.

So here's to yet another Valentine's Day. This one isn't looking too, too good from here, but who knows... maybe the whole "I almost forgot tomorrow was Valentine's Day" thing was a cover and he actually does have something special planned for me. We'll see... happy love day, guys :)

Sometimes He Wonders

Sometimes I Wonder

I sometimes wonder if she knows
I sometimes wonder does it come across?
Does it show?

I sometimes wonder if she knows who it is that is
ineterested in her?
I sometimes wonder if she understands that this is a
man with the answer
The answer to that question in her heart and soul that
asks; when will she
be filled with the everlasting joy that can be felt
inside of her like the
warmth of beautiful sunrays that shines across her
face on a hot summer
day.

The answer to her heart and soul that asks; when will
she find the man who
will stimulate and seduce her mind like the feeling of
a soft gentle
feather
slowly caressing her body, or like the inviting
tingling sensation when the
cologne of a man that smells so good that it teases
the tastebuds of her
desire to feel his strong but gentle touch.

The answer to her heart and soul that asks; when will
she find the man who
complements her inner and outer being like the warmth
of glowing candles
surrounding her as she lays across the soothing scent
of passionate rose
petals that cascades her bed, or the warmth of a
beautiful laced wool woven
sweater that she snuggles into before heading for a
stroll on a cool winter
day.

Does she realize that I am the answer to all these
things?
I sit and ponder and as much as I wished that she does
I really don't know?
So "Sometmes I Wonder"

Realizations of A New Reality

Today is an interesting day. A day that immediately follows a VERY interesting evening. No, to all of you out there (all THREE or FOUR of you!), there is no gossip on THAT front. But last night was an eye opener.

I was so angry for so long. I imagined all of the ways that you would eventually pay for what you did to me. All of the things you wanted but would never get. All of the people you would love who would never love you back. All of the successes that would be within your grasp, but would be just far enough away for you not to reach them. But then I realized something. You didn't do anything to me. You didn't hurt me. You didn't violate me. You didn't leave me. You were simply true to yourself, and for that I should be grateful. So now here we are some months later, and I am at peace. Sure, I think about you from time to time. Sure I call to see how you are even though you never call me back. Sure I wonder who you're with and whether she is making you happy. But it's always a passing thought. The thought is no longer accompanied by tears or regret. It is no longer a preface to a night of sadness and reflection. And then you call me. Twice. In one day. Once at home and once at work. Twice. In one day. After months of silence and unreturned messages. No "Merry Christmas, Mo" or "Happy New Year, mama!" Just silence. And then you call. Twice. In one day. To tell me that you're coming back. Not back to me. Not back to us. But you're coming back. I'll no longer be protected from you by three time zones and two busy careers. I'll no longer be able to think of you as being in another country because in my mind, you are so far away. You're coming back. But the biggest surprise of all: I didn't react. I did't leap for joy. I didn't shake in fear. I didn't cry about the possibilities. I simply didn't react. I see it for what it is. A move that has nothing to do with me, but that you just wanted to share because it's big news in your life. And I am grateful for that. I am glad that you called me because I really did want to hear your voice. I am glad that called me because I really did want to know how you were doing. I am glad that you called me because I wanted you to know that I am happy now. Really. I am glad that you called me because I didn't want to believe that a friendship like ours could just shrivel up and die just because "I love you" took on new meaning. So I am glad that you called. I have missed you. But now I am at peace. I love you. But now I am not longing for you. I want to see you again some day. But now I have no expectations. Travel safely and with Godspeed. And don't stay in Iraq too long. We need you here.

Monique's Business is EVERYBODY'S Business!

Hey yall!!! The professional woman is BACK on the block. This ia, by far, the longest that I have ever been away from my blog la familia, and I MISSED YALL!!!!!! Nothing much has really been going on; just on that work grind. I have been keeping up with you guys from afar, I just haven't been chiming in too much. But in talking with a friend on the phone today, I see that- as usual- my name hasn't been too far out of peoples' mouths. Someone from school was saying, "Girl, Monique's business is EVERYBODY's business!" That's when I thought to myself, "You're right." Why am I hiding? I ain't doing nothing wrong, and in fact, all is right in my world. So I'm back to entertaining you guys again with the mundane details of my everyday existence.

I believe that when I was here last, I was giving you guys some updates on what was going on with big "first date" with Bishop. Well, it's month two, and he hasn't run away screaming just yet, so..... maybe there's promise. I have been a bit reserved because I am a little afraid to get too attached... I always seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. But things with Bishop are what they are... a fun way to spend my time and something to gossip about with the girlfriends :)

Merry Christmas

Hey blog family... sorry I have been away so long. I just never realized how few hours there are in a day when you are working six days straight of 12-14 hour shifts! I am working until Friday, and then I can enjoy the New Year celebration without concern of unpaid insurance claims, mixed up medications, and customer servicce nightmares for at least three days. I wasn't able to do my grateful Wednesday this week, so I figured I would just tell you guys what I am thankful for this Christmas.
- another year of life
- the hospitality of others who were willing to share their holiday and their family with me
- a fresh new hairdo... yall KNOW a sister couldn't go into the new year with old hair!
- old friends with new conversation
- new friends who call just to see what you're doing and then spend an hour on the phone playing Truth or Dare
- busybodies who really don't mean any harm; they just want to know EVERYTHING that is going on in your life!
- grandmothers who get better with age
- the memory of a mother who just plain ROCKED!
- fathers who, despite their faults, really do try to look out for you
- growth and evolution. That old thorn in my side is GONE, and I have never felt better! So Merry Christmas to you too :)
- Serendipity because I think Kelly and I might be hitting them up on Friday... hear they have the best hot chocolate in town
- Dreamgirls, even though I have to wait until Saturday to see it :(

Christmas Tag

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? I LOVE me some egg nog. Spiked or not, doesn't matter... LOVE IT!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa? Who the hell is that guy? I haven't had a traditional Christmas like that in TOO long.

3. Colored lights or white lights on tree/house? Definitely white. My mommy always said that the colored ones were too busy, and as an adult, I tend to agree. In Jersey City they have wrapped the trees in these really beautiful periwinkle colored lights... those are cool too.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Always thought that was exclusively for white people. But hey, I am half white, so I guess I should start embracing that side of my heritage... bring on the 'toe!!

5. When do you put up your decorations? I don't, but if I did, I would probably wait until about two weeks before Christmas. Trees and lights the day after Thanksgiving is just a bit too overwhelming.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? My mommy's macaroni and cheese. Hands down.

7. Favorite childhood holiday memory. The year that I got four Cabbage Patch dolls at the same time. My neighborhood was BUZZIN!!!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I really have no idea.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? As a child I never did. Now I really don't get gifts, so I never have the option.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? White lights and gold ribbons.

11. Snow: love it or dread it? Love to look at it, hate to drive in it.

12. Can you ice skate? I went ice skating in 2000 and tore two ligaments in my knee. Enough said?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Not really. I was an only child, so it was always so special for me.

14. What’s the most important thing to you about the holidays? Making sure that I speak to the people who matter the most to me, no matter where they are in the world.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?Egg nog.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? We didn't really do the tradition thing. But the family that i spend holidays with now has a spades tournament at every family gathering, and that is RAPIDLY becoming my favorite thing. They have a trophy and everything :)

17. What tops your tree? I don't have a tree, but if I did, probably nothing.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving gifts? I love to give gits, but it has been a while since I've received anything.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? "Oh Holy Night"

20. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story. That little boy is HILARIOUS!

Delayed Date Details

Sorry, guys... I wasn't intentionally leaving the few of you who care out of the loop, but I honestly forgot that I never posted the date details. So now that I have been on several, let me tell you about the first.

Background: I go to a church where the pastor and first lady are close family friends. "Lady B" as the church folk call her (and my second mother) has made it her personal mission to find a man for me ever since I moved to New Jersey. So unbeknownst to me, she and her husband had approached this man (who will henceforth and forever more be called "Bishop" because my friend Jen thinks it's hilarious that I'm seeing a church goer) and asked him if he would be willing to meet me. Apparently he said yes, so one night after Bible study, she introduced us. I had actually noticed him at the church before, but felt a little funny about it because whenever I saw him, he was on his way up to altar call. You know, nothing says "heathen" more than having lustful thoughts while others are throwing themsleves on the mercy of the Lord at the altar during 10:45 service. So we chatted for a bit and he gave me his business card. Now me (having NO game whatsoever), put the card in my purse and proceeded to forget all about it. The next Sunday, I was gathering my stuff together after the service when I looked up and saw him standing in the aisle by my pew. He asked me what I was doing that day and I said "nothing." So then he asked me if I wanted to have lunch with him. Wowwwwwwww. I almost passed out (but I was afraid it would be mistaken for a delayed catching of the Holy Ghost, so I remained erect), but I managed to say "sure" with a somewhat confident and composed look on my face.

The date: So I followed him to a restaurant not too far away (I actually don't remember what it's called because I was so nervous!!!). We both parked in the parking garage where he proceeded to let me have the space closest to the exit (okay, I see you with the manners!). When we were walking through the garage and out on the street, he insisted on walking on the outside so that he would be closest to the traffic, and when we got to the restaurant, he held the door, helped me with my coat, AND pulled my chair out for me (and they say chivalry is dead). When I got up to wash my hands after ordering, he stood up from the table, and when I got back, he stood up again until I was back in my seat. At this point, things are looking up... I am having brunch with a handsome, older man who is very well mannered and quite charming. We chatted about our lives while we waited for the food to come, and I realized something very early on: older men don't have time for all the game playing. Now this may not be true for ALL older men, but this one definitely doesn't. From the minute we started talking, he was very open and honest about his life and where he is right now. Not too long ago, he lost his wife (she died of an asthma attack - does it get any sadder than that?) and he has a 12-year-old daughter who lives with him. Five years ago, that would've had me making a mental note to delete his number from my cell phone. But I have realized something very important in the last few years: everybody has a past and everybody has a story. Some are more interesting than others, and some are less benign than others, but we all have something in our past that others might not want to deal with. So if this is a Black man who is living as a single father, taking care of his daughter while owning his own business and attending church on a regular basis, then I'm not going to be so quick to hit that delete button, ya know? I won't bore yall with every little detail about the lunch, but it really was a lot of fun. We went into the restaurant at 2:00 and didn't leave until close to 6:00 (and for the one who I KNOW is reading this and snickering to himself, no, it wasn't like THOSE four hours! We were still in the restaurant). As we were leaving, we were talking about movies, and I mentioned that I wanted to see the new Denzel Washington movie that was coming out the next week. He said, "Oh, we should go! Are you free Wednesday night?" Well, I guess that was my cue that the date was a success. He was already making plans with me to go out again, and I didn't even have to wait that anxious week or so for the next phone call! We got to my car where he gave me the money to pay for the parking garage (MANNERS.... LOVE THEM!), and he said that he had a really good time. I was very interested to see how he was going to handle the goodbye, so I lingered by the car door with a little more conversation. Finslly I made some comment about how it was getting cold, and I really should be getting home. So he leaned over and kissed my cheek, and then said that he would call me Tuesday night to talk about the movie on Wednesday. And just like that... he was gone. About five minutes later, he called to make sure that I knew where I was and wasn't having any problems getting home.... sweet. Then later that night he sent me a text message that said, "I enjoyed the brunch and your conversation very much. I look forward to the movies on Wednesday."

The end.

SIGH. I went on a date. Yeah! And it was fun. Really fun. And I didn't die! And I didn't do anything too stupid and embarrassing! So here is what I have decided that I like about him in the 25 days since that first date...

He's handsome. Really handsome. He's older than me which I thought I would never want again. After the fiance, I swore off all oder men because I was conviced that the only reason they wanted me was because they were going through a midlife crisis! Bishop is 37, and for the most part he acts his age. But every now and then I catch a glimpse of the twenty-something Bishop, and it's cute. He's considerate. He calls when he says he's going to call, and he doesn't when he knows that he doesn't plan to. He checks with me to make sure that I have gotten home safely and he always asks me if I remembered to set my alarm for work. He's funny. Yall know how I love a comedian! Bishop isn't funny in a Dave Chspelle sort of way, but he's funny in a "Aw... that's funny" kind of way. He makes me laugh when he is being silly, but everything he does isn't funny. He is in love with his daughter. He is a very stern father, but I can really tell how much he cares about her. Single fathers are sexy, especially when there's no baby mama drama! He goes to church. I never realized that I cared about that before, especially since before I moved here, my attendance was sketchy at best. But Bishop talks alot about how church has changed his life, and how his relationship with God has opened doors for him that otherwise would've remained closed. I like to listen to him talk about his walk because it makes me more hopeful about my own. He loved his wife. I mean he REALLY loved his wife. He mentions her from time to time, and I can always tell how strongly he felt about her. He is still close to her mother (she lives nearby), and he still carries their wedding picture in his wallet. I would've been bothered by that, but I look at it like this: if I were married and then suddenly lost my husband, I can't IMAGINE how long it would take for me to remove that last piece of him from my everyday life. He talks sometimes about how hard it has been because he felt like he had finally learned how to be in a relationship and be the kind of husband that he should be. He was opening himself up to someone and allowing himself to completely share his life with her when he blinked and she was gone. Plus, he wanted to have more children and when his wife died, she was pregnant, so that was a double blow. I guess Bishop is not the kind of man I would've ever chosen to go after if I had known his story beforehand. But even though I didn't know about it, someone was trying to pull us together. Only he knows whether or not he is ready to move past his grief over losing his wife and look at another woman in a potential dating situation. But time will tell, I guess... for now, the brunch was fun. The movies was a good time (even though the actual film was a bit of a disappointment). More dates? Stay tuned...

Grateful Wednesday (Just on Thursday!)

Sorry guys... this new job has got me ALL to pieces lately, and I completely forgot to post yesterday. So this week, I am grateful for...

- Christmas being in a few days. Even though it's not the same anymore since I'm not a kid and my family is so far away, I still get mildly excited about the holiday.
- Pay day after I worked 50 hours. I have soooooooo many bills it is ridiculous.
- Puppies. My friend just got a new dog for his daughter, and he is sooooo cute :)
- Finding out that those who were always judging you have actually fallen a little short their damn selves. Karma's a bitch.
- Finding the money in my bank account to get a full tank of gas tonight before I ended up pushing my car over the Pulaski Skyway.
- Tasha finding an opening for me to get my hair done back home before Christmas, cuz my kitchen is ON FIRE!!!!
- 60 degree days in the middle of December (even though my friend SWEARS that it's influenza weather)
- Other peoples' blogs because they keep me up to date... I have really been slacking lately, but I am trying to do better.

Happy holidays blog la familia!!!!!

Grateful Wednesday

Although it is still a little early and I am procrastinating on getting ready for work, I decided to get my grateful list down first. Today I am grateful for
- Honesty.
- Having a job to go to even if it does involve standing on your feet for 12 hours straight.
- Having hair on my head even if I am ready to go INSANE waiting for the back to grow out!
- Tomorrow being my mother's birthday. Even though she isn't here with me anymore, it always gives me a whole day just to sit and remember what a phenomenal person she was.
- Season Five of 24 being out on DVD FINALLY even though I am so broke that it will be next week before I can cop that!
- First dates (and yes, I will eventually give you those details, I promise).
- The ability to recover from unexpected news with style and grace.
- I can't remember when I got the results in the mail, but I think it was after last Wednesday, so today I am grateful for passing the NAPLEX and being one step closer to getting my pharmacist license.
- Being the subject of conversation at the Hampton University Alumni Reception at ASHP in Anaheim. I LOVE having haters :)
- Trish's example... she's gone now, but I still read her stuff and learn something different every day.
- Strong Black fathers who take care of their responsibilities because they WANT to and not because they were ordered to.
- Friendship.

Well I NEVER!!!

I got this from Terrance, so if you don't like it, send him the hate mail, NOT ME!!! But I think it's pretty cool, so PLEASE participate or else I look like the lame-o with no blogger friends :)

You ever played that drinking game called "I Never" (reference an old episode of Girlfriends where Joan had never gone to a nude beach, so they all went and she ran into her DAD!!!)? Basically, you say something you never have done, and if the people playing with you have done it, they have to take a drink. I wanna try something a little different on the blog. I am going to say something that I have never done and if you have done it then I need you either to tell us about it on your blog or in the comments section. Please be sure to let us know that you posted about it. Also, once you have answered truthfully, it is your turn to say something you have never done. It'll be either fun, or incredibly annoying. I'll start off with 3 things I have never done. Let's see how far we can spread this across the blog community.

I never had a one night stand.

I never went to Africa.

I never skinnydipped.

If you did it, tell us all about it. And then give me an "I Never" and I will write about them later in the week. Have fun!!!!

Celebrate Good Times, COME ON!!!!!!!!!

Well, well, well.... the long awaited NAPLEX results have arrived, and I, friends and neighbors, HAVE PASSED!!! Goody gumdrops and all that other stuff. NAPLEX, done. Nest up is the New Jersey law exam. And then.... I'm done.

The Centennial

Hey yall... I am soliciting ideas for my 100th post (this is #92). Seems like I should write about something meaningful and deep to commemorate the occasion, but I do that on any regular day (I think!). Any ideas??????

Transitions, Part 2

Life is so full of changes. Some good, some bad, but all changes. The other day I was talking about Trish and how she had made her transition. I really don't want to speak too much more on that because it is such a blow to me even though I hardly knew her at all.

I initially named my last post "Part 1" because I was going somewhere in particular for the second part. But I think I'll wait a while. Marinate on it for a minute and then get back to yall when my mind is right. In the meantime, it is Wednesday and I am grateful for...

- God and the miracles He continues to show me in my life as well as the lives of others.
- The idea that such a beautiful spirit has made her way home into a life of love, happiness, and no more pain.
- That 2004 Lexus GX or $31,000 even though it was already sold to someone else. That truck was beautiful and it renewed my faith that maybe I too can find a great deal in time for that big snow storm this winter.
- Teasing.
- Finally getting through to someone I care about so much. I just hope that my words came out the way I intended them to: as concern and love, not preaching and teaching.
- Being asked out on a date. It hhas been so long that I was starting to think that I muct have a third eye in the middle of my head that is only visible to people of the opposite sex.
- Growth and maturity. I can really see a change in myself with every day that goes by, and I am starting to like what I see.

God's blessings guys....

Transitions, Part 1

I'm so sad tonight, guys... one of favorite bloggers finally found peace for her beautiful mind and lost her battle to leukemia yesterday. I never met her, we never even talked on the phone or through the Internet. But the few messages she shared on my blog and the words I read on hers touched me in a strangley powerful way. So rest in peace Trish... my heart goes out to your family, and especially your beautiful fat baby :) Go with God.

A.M. Randomness Stolen As Usual

The Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: "Bad Habit" Destiny's Child - DAMN!!! This is already starting to ring true!

Waking Up: "Shut Up Bitch Intro" Money Mike - HELL YEAH!!!!!!!! I love this game!!!! "It's Queen B, bitch! Not pawn, not rook, not knight... it's QUEEN!! This is what you're doin, and this is what I NEED you to be doin!"

First Day At School: "Watching Me" Jill Scott - Okay, this is getting a little freaky. I SWEAR that I'm not cheating, but the stars must be perfectly aligned right now

Falling In Love: "The Battle Is Not Yours" Yolanda Adams - Heh heh heh. Wish I had learned THAT lesson a long time ago!!

Fight Song: "Holy Holy Holy" Donnie McClurkin. I got nothin here.....

Breaking Up: "The One I Gave My Heart To" Aaliyah - Well, the title says it all, now doesn't it?

Prom: "Gift From Virgo" Beyonce - Not MY prom, but maybe somewhere...

Life is Good: "Oochie Coochie La La La" MC Brains - SHUT THE HELL UP!! This was freshman year in high school 1991. SIGH.... nah, fuck that.... awwwwwww yeahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! "Oochie coochie la la la. I am the Brains and I'm up to par!"

Mental Breakdown: "In A Sentimental Mood" Duke Ellington and John Coltrane - I LOVE this song.

Driving: "Get Your Number" Mariah Crey and Jermaine Dupri. Whatever.

Flashback: "The Panties" Mos Def - Uh, flash back to WHAT exactly with this song??

Getting Back Together: "We Fall Down" Donnie McClurkin - Okay Brother Donnie, I get it. I TOO can morph into someone else.

Wedding: "Everthing is Everything" Lauryn Hill - Good to hear this again!

Birth of Child: "Love" Destiny's Child.

Final Battle: "Nuttin But Love" Heavy D - Maybe at the end of the battle when I beat that bitch's ass??????

Funeral Song: "Foolish" Ashanti - Damn. And I started out so strong! Well, I have been a bit of a fool in my day, so maybe this is appropriate.

End Credits: "Inside My Love" Tina Broussard - Since I'm so damn lovestruck, I guess this is cool.

**I stole this one too. I figured since I'm already JAMMIN in here at 1:18 a.m., I may as well keep the party goin!**

Musical Shares (
1. How does the world see me? "Baby" Ashanti - I always loved this song, but a baby? Uh, okay.

2. Will I have a happy life? "Rollin With Kid 'N Play" Kid 'N Play - Hola hola heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Yeah, that was pretty lame.

3. What do my friends really think of me? "Caught Up" Usher - Yeah, they really do know me!

4. Do people secretly lust after me? "Jump" Kriss Kross - Again, I got nothin.

5. How can I make myself happy? "Nasty Girl" Vanity 6 - Wellllll.....

6. What should I do with my life? "Family Reunion" Jill Scott - Funny thing is that recently I have been thinking about finding my biological family. Hmm...

7. What is some good advice for me? "Hold Me Down" Danity Kane

8. How will I be remembered? "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" Lauryn Hill - "Every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me. I wasn't able to achieve." At least that what I think about mysef.

9. What is my signature dancing song? "Unchain My Heart" Ray Charles - I probably could've held it down back in the day!

10. What do I think my current theme song is? "I Don't Mean It" R. Kelly - I told yall before, love is when you hang up the phone and find a reason to call right back.

11. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? "All Falls Down" Kane West

12. What song will play at my funeral? "In The Rain" XScape - God, I hope not.

13. What type of women do I like? First of all, I prefer men, but I got "Trapped in the Closet Chapter 10" R. Kelly - "Now the midget jumps out of the closet and the policemam stubs his toe." ENough said.

14. What is my day going to be like? "I Can't Wait" Sleepy Brown - Me either. LMAO.

Happy Turkey Day

SIGH. I love him. LOVE HIM. I just finished watching yesterday's 106th and Park with Jay-Z, and it's official: I love him. I never really paid too much attention to Jay before. I've heard all the singles, know most of the words. But the B sides, the random albums, the ones that only the TRUE Hov fans have, I'd never heard of them. But today, I'm on the bandwagon. That new album is FIYAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! And he actually had something to say during the interview about stuff other than music. So go out and BUY that Kingdom Come; it's FANTASTIC.

So you know what it is; time for giving thanks. This is a special one since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so I'ma dig deep. I am grateful for...

- Introductions.
- Memories of the life I had before.
- Glimpses of the life I have in store for me.
- Bernetta, Therman, Tyffani, Karen, and Gladys
- God's grace and His assurance that no matter what, he has something bigger in store for me than even I can imagine.
- Text messages.
- The progress I have made since last year this time.
- Grateful patients.
- The fact that my new job pays the bills.
- The fact that I FINALLY took the NAPLEX and realized that it was HIGHLY overrated.
- So many other things that I would be here all day trying to put them all down, so... HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YALL!!!!!!

Colorgenics Profile

I'm stalling on leaving for the city this morning because what's waiting for me at 1 Penn Plaza is none too nice! So I decided to do this personality profile that It Was Written shared with me. Wow, it's amazing how accurate this was - as Rashan put it, almost like an FBI profile! SIGH. I guess right about now my picture is up on the plasma screen in George Dubya's Oval Office. DAMMIT.

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

For some time now you have been feeling rather insecure. You are looking for - and needing - an environment that can offer you roots, stability and a position that will relieve you of excess tension and stress.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

At this moment in time you feel as if you have lost the strength of will to contend with existing problems and difficulties which appear to you as deliberate opposition. You are trying to stand your ground but the pressures are intolerable. You would like some co-operation from those around you but it's not forthcoming so you feel that, in its absence, there is nothing you can do to improve the current situation. You would like nothing better than to 'get away from it all'.

Be it through unfulfilled emotional requirements, whatever the circumstances you are experiencing considerable stress, be it mental or physical. To your credit you are attempting to escape from this by endeavouring to create a semblance of peace and serenity by refusing to allow yourself to be involved. You have the strength to 'pull through' and all indications are that you will... perhaps sooner than you even believed possible.

Realization of a Realism

This is for you, Jameil because you tried to play me for not posting in seven days. But mostly it's for me because... well, just because.

"Thank You! No, thank YOU!!!"
Thank you. No, really. Seriously. THANK YOU. I never realized that you could be so mean. I never realized that you could be so childish. I never realized that you could be so unfeeling and unaware. Thank you. Thank you for showing me what you look like after the love and life and laughter has been stripped away. Thank you for showing me that friendship doesn't look like you. Thank you for showing me that love doesn't live here anymore. Thank you for telling me about the guitar. Thank you for using the word "love" in the story. Thank you for asking you sister to be the bad guy. Thank you for revealing the truth: that underneath all of the inside jokes, and completed sentences, and shared experiences, and mind reading, that we are nothing anymore. I am nothing to you. You are nothing to me. Well, that's not true. You are my lesson. You are my revelation. You are my burden. You are my baggage. You are my story. You are my sadness. Thank you for that. Thank you for making me start every sentence with, "I remember when." Thank you for living so far away so I won't be tempted to visit. Thank you for not returning my phone calls so I won't say something that I'll regret later. Thank you for seeing me on MSN Messenger and changing your status to "away." Thank you for laughing when you tell your friends about the games you play. Thank you for not noticing the quiver in my voice when I laughed about stepping up my game. Thank you for making me question my worth and doubt my significance. Thank you for painting our future and then selling it to the highest bidder. Thank you for giving me just enough to trick me into thinking that you'll be back. And then disappearing. Forever. Thank you for sugarcoating shit. Thank you for not calling me when I graduated from pharmacy school, but bothering to call me for my birthday. Thank you for spending 10 whole days with me and then when I get home on the 11th, telling me it's over. Thank you soooooo much.

But I guess I shouldn't make it seem all bad. Thank you for showing me how to say "I love you" because I meant it and not because someone else said it first. Thank you for teaching me that confidence is a necessity. Thank you for introducing me to a family full of love and light when I needed it most. Thank you for driving four hours just to sleep on my couch and then go home the next day. Thank you for surprising me after church because you thought it would make me smile. Thank you for the vacuum cleaner. Thank you for the Omni Championsgate. Thank you for Busch Gardens Tampa and for admitting that you were scared of the Superman roller coaster. Thank you for Thanksgiving at Nags Head and New Year's at your cousin's. Thank you for bringing me out of the darkness into the light. Thank you for allowing me to catch a glimpse of what true happiness looks like. Thank you for showing me the future even if you're not in it.

But either way, I've been defeated. By you. And sadly, I never saw that coming. I never thought that you would or even could defeat me. But you have. So thank you. For nothing.

Grateful Wednesday

Sorry for the lateness of this post, but I worked all day toay and just got off my feet for the first time since 9:00 a.m. But I digress... I am grateful for...
- Morning Star Community Christian Center and the spirit that moved me to join last Sunday
- Reverend and First Lady Therman Evans
- CVS (even though I wish they would pay me a few more dollars!)
- My new Pumas, cause my body is SCREAMING after standing on my feet all day!
- My grandmother, the superstar. Just because...
- People with beautiful minds who continue to inspire me even though they have never and might not ever even see my face
- You because even though I thought you would laugh at me, you didn't because you knew that I was afraid and might not be able to hande it
- You even though you Indian gave me an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner... it's all good, though!
- 40 hours a week because I'm headed to Vegas in February!
- Tomorrow at 1:30 because do or die, that's when it all goes down
- Every day that goes by that allows me to see I can live without you and still be happy
- Kimora Lee Simmons... she's so damn fabulous!
- The opportunity to start a new chapter in my life that is hopefully better than all of the ones that came before it
- You for showing me who you really are. You're selfish and immature and silly and even a little spiteful. You cause pain because you don't know how else to relate to me anymore. But know that I understand you and have come to the realization that what I have been praying for has been the wrong thing and that's why He hasn't given it to me. So thank you for being you and thank God for showing eme who that is.

I LOVE When This Happens!!

I was reading Isis' blog tonight (check her out, yall) and I found this. I love it. Period. love it, love it, LOVE IT!!! I was JUST making this point the other day :)

Untitled
when people see me walking down the street
they mutter to themselves..

"she's too much .. I can't talk to her"
"she think's she's all of that"
"hmph.. look at her"

but just like a book .. located high on a shelf
if you never dare to open the cover
to curl up in a corner .. draw your feet up on the couch
and carress the delicate pages that are held within .. the hard exterior

one will never truly get to experience just how exquisite
.. profound
.. ethereal
.. surreal
just how good it really can be ..
unless. ..

you take the time
to reach high up
and select the book that you once figured was out of your grasp
and actually realized
it was exactly what you were looking for.

-Isis

I Almost Forgot

Hey yall... I almost zoned out on the fact that today is Wednesday, and therefore time for anotherpost full of gratefuls, so here we go. I am grateful for:
- my stylist having an opening today at 2:30 cause my hair was BEAT!
- no one else being the salon, so I was out by 4:00
- the patience that kept me from chasing that motherf7$#ker who sprayed me with HIV-infected street water this morning on the cornerof 57th and 9th
- my new job
- the fact that my employees are acting like assholes, therefore maiing it THAT much easier to walk away
- surrogate parents
- another one of my classmates biting the dust and keep me out of the gossip mill
- 20% off coupons at Ulta so I could get that cool new shampoo and conditioner
- Donald Rumsfeld FINALLY coming to his dumb ass senses
- dad's half of the rent
- Thanksgiving
- the chance of seeing you, even if only for a few minutes
- another Wednesday

Oh yeah... my friends Nikki and Piper (yes, Jarrod... your beloved Piper!) were captured by The Sartorialist the other day in the post "New York City Marathon 2006 Pt. 2." They're in the last picture as the Cheerleaders of Brooklyn... hey guys :)

Last Love Post... I Promise!

A long time ago someone (and I apologize for not remembering who it was) was asking how you know when you're in love. And then just the other day, Stacie brought up a similar subject. So it reminded me of the post I promised to put up ages ago and never did. What is love and how do you know when you're in it. Well, to me...

Love lives. It is active and strong and creative and slightly sneaky. It knows just when to come around, but funny how it never knows when to leave. Love is selfless and generous. Love is both peaceful and tumultuous. Love is patient and safe. Love can take your breath away and then give it back so that you can fly. Love is a thief. It steals your time and your thoughts and your energy and your sanity and your will and your heart. But it gives you safety and peace and comfort and satisfaction and stability. I love love. I live for love. I trust love. I need love. I want love.

You know you're in love when.... you wake up in the middle of the night just to smile at something he said earlier in the day. You hang up the phone and search for a reason to call right back. You look at him looking at you looking at him. And then you say, "Nothing." You reach over to touch his arm just to remind yourself that he isn't a figment of your imagination. You are angry but it doesn't matter because no matter what, there is a lesson behind it. Your worst day with him is better than your BEST day with anyone else. He gets you. He laughs at you. He laughs with you. He points out your mistakes, but he also tells you how to make them better. You love his walk. You love his smile. You love that face he makes when you're telling yet another one of your "can you believe this shit?" stories even though he has heard them all before. He is beautiful. Not just beautiful in the physical, but beautiful in the ways that matter. You think he's sexy in his flannel pajamas and favorite white tee. You love the way he breathes that "mannnn....." when he first settles into you. You imagine your life without him in it and you have to sit down. You say that you'd be okay if it doesn't work out as long as you can still be friends... and you mean it. You ask him if he thinks that girl is pretty, he says yes, and you say, "me too." You love him because he loves you. That's what it is and that's how you know.

Don't Be Afraid

Don't be afraid. You'll be fine. You'll be better than fine, you'll be great. No, you'll be better than great. You'll be happy. And after all, isn't that what you want? I know you think you're not ready. I know you think you're too young. I know you think it isn't time. I know you think it will mean the end of an era. But it won't. Don't be afraid. Even though all the storybooks say different, the stars will never be perfectly aligned. There will never be a time when you feel that everything is perfect. Why deny yourself something that could change your life because you're afraid? Why not just do it? Isn't it easier to focus when you're happy? Isn't it easier to struggle when you're not alone? I know, I know. Choices are fun too. Options keep it light. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? Well, maybe you're right. But I don't think so. Sometimes even the hurt is bearable if you can look back on the joy that brought you there. Sometimes even an unhappy ending is worth the lessons learned in the process. Sometimes it's just better to be brave. You have so much to give. You have such a light inside of you. Your smile, your heart, your humor, your intelligence, your warmth, your reality (yes, even your reality). It's enough, really it is. Don't think of it as an extra burden to carry. It really can make it easier. I promise. I've been there before. And also, remember this. It doesn't matter who. It only matters that you're not afraid. You can do it. You can do it well. So take a deep breath. And then jump. Don't be afraid.

Calling All Hair Stylists

Hey guys... I am trying to find a good hair salon in the New Jersey/New York area. I really want a place with a stylist who can cut AND style because I have this new haircut, and I need to be able to maintain it between trips back to VA. SO if anyone can recommend a good (and I mean GOOD because I am FUNNY about my hair!) stylist and salon in the area, please send me the information. I just don't see myself being able to keep this cut looking good without the help of a professional. And don't recommend the Dominicans - I know they're good (and cheap), but I have next to no hair on my head, and I do NOT want to leave looking like Beaker with a blowout. Thanks...

Where Is All This Coming From?

Someone has been blogging about their grandmother who is very ill, and it brought back some memories of how I spent my mom's last few months with her. That led to this... I feel almost like I should apologize because it is so much for a Thursday afternoon. But it is what it is.

She loved me especially special. She looked at me all the time, but I used to think she never saw me. We argued. We screamed. We gave each other the silent treatment (well, actually she gave it to me!). But then she would get bored of having no one to talk to in the house, and we were back to normal again. She loved me in spite of. She loved me because of. She loved me in addition to. She loved me regardless of. She just loved me. And I loved her.

Dr. SFWW. I remember the day she told me that she had cancer and that the doctors weren't especially hopeful. I ran. Up the stairs, out the back door, into the garage until I was stopped by my granmother's slow ass garage door. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. When I came back in, I took one look at her and realized that I had to pull it together. I had to save her. I held her face in my hands and said, "Tell me what you want me to do. I am here for you. We will be alright." I believed that in that moment, but she didn't. She had seen the CT scans, the lab reports, the blood levels, the xrays, the doctors' faces. She had sat through the chemotherapy sessions, the examinations, the second opinions. She knew better. But she loved me. And so she said, "Okay. You and me. We will do this together." She was so strong, so courageous, so beautiful, so worried, so in love. With me.

Months came and went. She was better. She was worse. She was better. She was much worse. April 2003. She left me. She thought that I would be better off if she moved back home with her parents so that I could focus on my school work. All I wanted to do was take care of her. Help her. Hold her hand. Love her. Before that, I would drive over to her house and crawl into bed beside her. She would sleep, and I would prop myself up on one elbow just to make sure she hadn't stopped breathing. I would encourage her to take her medication and run to the store for Dairy Queen milkshakes when she wouldn't touch anything else. I would watch silly sitcoms and Sunday morning gospel shows and Lifetime movies and Chris Tucker (she LOVED Chris Tucker) with her on the left side and me on the right. When she said she was hungry but only wanted a spoonful of mashed potatoes and three or four string beans, I would drive to Golden Corral and get JUST that because I knew if it were any more, she wouldn't touch it. I would jerk awake in the middle of the night when I heard the phone rang because I knew it was her calling to beg me to come over. And then she left.

When my grandmother drove away and I saw the back of my mother's head in the bakseat of the Cadillac, I knew that she would never be home again. She cried and begged us to let her go. She was in so much pain. But she was in so much more worry. Worry for me. How would I cope? How would I move on? Would I drop out of school? Would I need help? Would I thrive? Would I survive? She loved me. She lived for me. Even when I told her to go because I knew she was ready, she lived for me. She ached for me. She struggled for me. She choked for me. She went blind for me. She lost weight for me. She lost her hair for me. Because I couldn't let her go. Because I was still that same little girl who couldn't survie the silent treatments. She loved me.

And then the hurricane came. Isabel. September 17, 2003. I decided to go to North Carolina to see her becuse it had been a few weeks. I wasn't worried about the hurricane, but it was the perfect excuse. I brought my books so she wouldn't be angry with me for leaving my school work. I got there at 10:00 p.m. Wednesday night. I walked to the back of the house where she was sleeping and I screamed. I dropped my purse and I ran. Again. Out of the back door, into the garage. Only this time, that slow ass door was open, and I ran out into the night and the rain. Where did she go? Who was that person in that bed with my mother's feet and hands but not her face or voice or eyes or hair or light or life? I knew it then. It was time. She was leaving. She couldn't do it for me anymore. And I couldn't ask her to. I went back in and laid on the bed beside her. Me on the right side, her on the left. And I talked. And I laughed. And I gossiped. And I cried. And I remembered. And I loved her. I loved her. I loved her. I loved her. I loved her. And then it was morning. September 18, 2003.

She was breathing. Slowly, raggedly. I spoke so she would know I was there. I pulled out my Med Chem notes and studied for my test. Well, not really. Just a show for the schoolteacher who rested within her tired body. I said that I loved her and that if she was ready, then so was I. If she was ready to leave, then I was ready to say goodbye. If she couldn't fight anymore, then I would stop fighting too. Then I must have fallen asleep because I felt someone shaking my arm. I opened my eyes, but no one was there. She couldn't move, so it wasn't her. No one was there. No one was there. I looked at her. I said, "Mommy I'm here. You're not alone. I love you. Please go." She sighed. And then she did. She went. But I didn't. I'm here. But she's not.

Dr. Sharon Faye White-Williams. What an experience. What a woman. Strong. Beautiful. Lovely. Generous. Kind. Warm. Loving. Brilliant. Fabulous. I loved her. And she loved me.

Grateful Wednesdays

Here I go again... I told yall that there would be multiple blogs today :) But the up side is that it is almost 3:00, so I should be gone soon. I originally got this from Trish's blog (who has since decided to stop blogging), but then I saw it done again by Honey Libra. I think that it is a wonderful idea to stop and take at least a few minutes to articulate what you are grateful for - even if it is only once a week. So here is mine: this Wednesday, I am grateful for..
- being alive.
- getting ready to start a new job.
- the simplicity of my dog waking me up in the morning - reminds me that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
- the fact that the opera singing pharmacist is working in one of the satellite pharmacies today!
- the 25 years that I spent with my mother and the lifetime that I will spend remembering her.
- vision to see the haircut that I really don't like, but am willing to deal with anyway.
- the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach whenever you call.
- the new Robin Thicke CD because it makes me feel so warm and comfy after a day of craziness here.
- life, mine and others'.
- love. The friend kind and the lover kind. And sometimes even the kind that you can't classify.
- February 14, 2004 to July 17, 2005.
- the gift of the written word.