The Young and the Restless, Real Life

I have always joked about my life being like a soap opera, but I never knew how true it would turn out to be. A lot of people are very careful about what they post on their blog because they are worreied about people at their job knowing about their personal lives or people in their personal lives finding out about things that they do in the dark. I have always been pretty open, and the one time that I decided to go private was because I was tired of getting these angry, petty, anonymous messages from God knows who. At any rate... I say all of that to say that some of you may disagree with my decision to publish this post, but oh well. My blog, my rules... damn the consequences. I told you last week that I, in my aimless wanderings through the world wide web, uncovered the identity of my birth mother. What I didn't give you was the details, so here you are.

We'll call her Maureen. In 2001 she set up a profile on adoption.com looking for the child that she had given up 30 years ago. The profile listed her whole name (maiden and current), her date of birth, the name of the hospital where she gave bith, the city where the adoption took place, the name that she gave me (Lauren Grace), and my birthdate. I knew from the minute I saw those details that I had found the right person because everything on the profile matched the information that I already knew. There was a link to contact Maureen by email, so before I realized what I was doing, I had drafted a quick email and pressed the "send" button. I was a little apprehensive because even though it was clear that she had been looking for me at one point, I didn't know the last time she had checked the site for an update and whether or not the email address was still valid. But I waited... for about 12 hours. The next morning I had an email from my birth mother... yeah, get with that.

There are so many details and so much to tell, so I will try my best to summarize the saga. After she gave me a few more details about herself (her height, the fact that she is white and her daughter's father was Black, her occupation, blah, blah blah), we pretty much confirmed that Maureen is my birth mother and I am the child that she gave up for adoption. Maureen was 20 years old and on active duty in the military in Virginia. Her family lived out of state and she didn't know anyone in the area where she was stationed. She met a man who was eight years older than her and fell very hard, very fast. John was also active duty military stationed at the same base, and they began to date. He was married with a young son and was also helping his wife to raise her son from a previous relationship. Apparently they had a very tumultuous relationship, frequently separating and getting back together. When he met Maureen, John and his wife had just decided to divorce, so he and my birth mother moved in together off base. This was in December, so since I was born in September, I guess you can figure out that she got pregnant very quickly. Three months later when she discovered that she was pregnant, John came home one day and said that his wife had called and said that she was pregnant. She hadn't known it at the time that they decided to separate and divorce, but she had been to the doctor and it was confirmed. John felt like this meant that he was supposed to move back home and try to salvage his marriage. So Maureen felt that in a competition between her and John's wife, she would never come out on top. She decided not to tell him that she was pregnant, and because she couldn't afford to live off the base by herself, she moved back into the barracks. Her family was in the midwest, and she knew that they would never have approved of her dating a married Black man and getting pregnant out of wedlock. Maureen decided to have her baby and give her up for adoption without telling anyone. Apparently at one point, John suspected that she was pregnant, but she denied it and nothing more ever came of it. Later that year John's wife gave birth to a second son, and they divorced three years later. Maureen, I guess through mutual friends and acquaintances, kept up with what was going on his life, but they never reconnected. She got married 11 years later and relocated to another state. She doesn't know where John is now or what kind of family he has (whether he has remarried, had more children, etc.).

So that, my friends, is the story of how I came to be. They say that there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and what really happened, so I am very interested to hear what John has to say about the whole thing. Maureen has not told me his real name either or any other identifying information about him because like I said, he does not know that the two of them conceived a child together. She's supposed to be trying to find him so that she can tell him the complete story. Yeah... good luck with that.

Let It Go! (A message from T.D. Jakes)

I saw this on someone else's blog. I was going to simply say that and let you click on the link if you so desire. But some of you are lazy and I figure if you're already here, maybe you'll stay here and read on.

This is a MIGHTY powerful message, and for me, a message that was RIGHT ON TIME. I don't listen to TD Jakes because I have such an immediate and negative reaction to him when I hear him speak, but this message was IT. Seriously... IT. So take heed.

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are bad people. It just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful. I's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat, I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help himself...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed...
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2008!!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left. Think about it and then...
LET IT GO!!!

Here I am, Baby... Signed, Sealed, Delivered... I'M YOURS!

I just watched Barack Obama deliver a speech in South Carolina after he was declared the winner of the South Carolina democratic Primary. I really hadn't come down on either side of the fence in this Presidential race. I like what I see in Senator Obama. I respect his hustle, and I can't help but admire any Black man in America who stands up and says (while simultaneously actually BELIEVING) that he can be our next President. His ideas aren't radical or even terribly new, but his presentation is PHENOMENAL, and he seems incredibly genuine. So if politicians are all assumed to be liars strictly by definition, then Barack Obama must be a damn good one, because I am SO buying what he is selling. He has managed to spark debates that have been lying dormant in corners across America for decades. I won't lie: I am nervous for him. Anyone who has studied political history in America can't help but be a little fearful for a young, handsome, popular man running for President in the United States. Add to that the fact that the candidate is a Black man, and I feel like I need to cross the fingers on my left hand as well as my right. But I can honestly say now that I feel that he is the best man for the job of trying to get this ridiculously backwards country back on its tracks. He has a strong woman by his side who has thoughts and ideas of her own creation that she is not afraid to share. She is beautiful (even though there is something in the mouth region that freaks me out a little!) and stylish, smart and savvy, warm and very relatable. I don't hate Hillary; I don't even dislike her a little bit. She has made some dumbass moves- chief among them, the distinct and remarkable need to take everything that Barack Obama says and make it sound like something entirely different. But she is doing what she feels like she has to do. She, too, has good ideas to move our country forward, and she believes in every word that she is saying. I just think that she is too polarizing of a figure. Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate for President of the United States would hand-deliver the victory to the Republican party. So, push on Reverend Obama (didn't he sound like an old school preacher a little bit during his speech?!)... you've got my vote.

YES WE CAN!!!!!!!

HI! Ny Name Is....

Allow me to first introduce myself... my name is MO. M-to the ... ah well, that's where all similarities to the song come to a screeching halt. Yes, my name is Monique; however, apparently that was not always so.

So, hi. My name is Lauren. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. See how that just rolled off the tongue? Almost as if it were REALLY my name? Well, apparently it is. And no, this is not another freakish similarity plotted and schemed by me and The Rib just to convince people that we're really not just two weird ass women on the Internet who have formed some kind of absurd bond based on a shared love of shoes and all things NOT P.F. **whew, that was a long ass sentence** If this seems random, it's because it is. If it seems odd and even slightly manic, again that's because it is.

REWIND.

My name is Lauren Grace S. Born somewhere in Chesapeake, Virginia in September of 1977. To a white woman. Yeah, it's finally official: I am a card-carrying member of The Establishment. DAMMIT... just when I was all set to laminate my Black card and go on a VOTE OBAMA OR DIE frenzy. Oh well.... at least that much hasn't changed. I'm still weird and funny and slightly offbeat, and I still relish my deeply cultivated love of all things sweet potato and chicken :)

We all like to think that at the end of evey day we have learned something that we didn't know the day before. Well folks, mission accomplished for January 25, 2008 because I DEFINATELY know some shit today that I didn't know yesterday. I know the name of the woman who gave me life and what city that took place in. I know her birthday. I know what she does for a living. I know her married name. For God's sake, the only thing I don't know is her blood type and whether she prefers pepperoni or sausage on her Pizza Hut deep dish.

Google is amazing. Truly. Now if only it can direct me to a site to help collect this back child support, cause a sister REALLY could use a first class upgrade for the cruise in April, ya dig?

Sashay Shante

Giddyup boys and girls... it's time for another installment of Couture Friday. I was off today, so here is what I did with my time...

You must first start your day off with this fabulous black patent leather bag compliments of Gucci


I know, I know, but I had to hit you hard straight outta the gate. Next we have this fire engine red gown by Valentino. I can picture myself in this dress going to Shop Rite, I love it so much.


A few shoes to tickle your fancy...


Both of these are Dior. I couldn't resist the pearl-heeled pair.

These are my favorite pair of the bunch. I mean really, how can a 72" woman ignore a pair of giraffe skin Manolo Blahniks?


I was speaking with The Rib today about necessary things for life, otherwise known as Chloe bags. And that is when I discovered this:


And now for the piece de resistance. Dress: $1150, by Carmen Marc Valvo. Mental picture: priceless, by me.


**The end**

Yum Yum in My Tum

Happy birthday to my favor.... oh wait, it's a surprise, so I can't tell. But I can hardly wait to get some of this...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

WHEW.... sorry. It got away from me there for a minute!

5:47 p.m.

Place an X by all the things you've done.

[x]Smoked a cigarette
[x]Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[ ]Laughed so hard you pee'd yourself
[x]Been on a hayride
[x]Rode a motorbike
[x]Gone on a blind date
[x]Skipped school
[x]Watched someone die
[x]Been to Canada
[ ]Been to Europe
[x]Been to Mexico
[x]Been on a plane
[x]Been on the opposite side of the country
[x]Gone to D.C.
[x]Swam in the ocean
[x]Cried yourself to sleep
[ ]Played cops & robbers/cowboys & Indians with neighborhood kids
[ ]Recently colored with crayons
[ ]Sang karaoke
[x]Paid for a meal with only coins
[x]Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
[x]Made prank phone calls
[x]Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
[x]Caught a snowflake on your tongue
[ ]Danced in the rain
[x]Written a letter to Santa Claus
[ ]Been kissed under the mistletoe
[ ]Watched the sunrise with someone you care about
[x]Blown bubbles
[ ]Made a bonfire on the beach
[ ]Crashed a party
[x]Gone roller skating
[x]Gone Ice Skating
[ ]Gone Scuba diving
[ ]Been deep sea fishing

Part II
1. Any nicknames?
Mo, Monie, Big Bird, X, Amazon

2. Mother's name?
Sharon

3. Favorite drink?
Alcoholic: mango margarita
Non Alcohol: Coke

4. Love your job?
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm sorry- you were serious? No.

5. Birthday?
September 22

6. Favorite vacation spot?
Out of the places I've been so far? Barbados. Ideal spot? Bora Bora.

7. Ever been to Africa?
No. But I absolutely would love to.

8. Ever eaten cookies for dinner?
Day before last as a matter of fact.

9. Ever been on TV or in a movie?
Yeah, but never as a feature.

10. Ever steal any traffic signs?
That's some white people foolishness... no.

11. Ever been in a car accident?
Yes. Quite a few as a passenger and a driver.

12. Drive a 2 door or 4 door?
Four door.

13. Salad dressing?
Raspberry vinaigrette.

14. Favorite season
Fall

15. Favorite number?
Duh... 13

16. Favorite movie?
"Braveheart"

17. Favorite holiday?
Not so big on holidays, but anything that pays time and a half

18. Favorite food?
Macaroni and cheese

19. Favorite dessert?
Red velvet cake

20. Favorite day of the week?
Saturday

21. Favorite month?
September

22. Favorite toothpaste?
Crest Whitening

23. Favorite smell?
Food

24. What do you do to relax?
Sleep

25. Do you have a message to your friends reading this?
Yeah, honor your commitments and mean what you say. And it's never too late to start over.

26. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
Married with children

27. What do you do when you are bored?
Sleep, write, Sudoku, watch TV

28. Furthest place you will send this message?
No telling

29. Who will respond the fastest?
Nobody probably will because things are getting soooooo old. Ah well...
Whoever reads it first.

30. Who is the least likely to respond?
Jameil

May 3, 2008

And now, after such meaningless drivel (see previous post!), something of substance. After being inspired by a fellow blogger, I have officially entered the 2008 Revlon Run/Walk for the fight against women's cancers.

Now I know I don't know yall (most of yall), but I think this fight is EXTREMELY important. As a child of a woman who lost her fight against cancer and someone who has watched countless other people succumb to the same ugly word, this cause hits particularly close to home. So if you're interested in making a donation for my participation, you can go to my personal website set up by the organization. Please understand that NONE of this money goes to me, so don't think that you are fattening my personal coffers so I can buy those goodies in the previous post! I just hope that you are as moved by this cause as I am and will agree to support it. Also, if you are in the area or will be that weekend (May 3, 2008), sign up to run/walk. It's only a 5K route (a little over three miles), and you can take it as fast or slow as you'd like. The entry fee is only $30, and if I get 14 or more people together, we can form a team. So holla at your girl if you have any questions, or better yet, go to my website and leave a donation. THANKS!!!

Time On My Hands... Since You Went Away Boy..... I Ain't Got No Plans.. No No No No

Alrighty, my lovelies. This is what I have been up to for the last several hours. I am on my fourth archived episode of "The Young and the Restless," my second cup of coffee, nestled comfortably in this dent on my couch, with my freezing fet covered by this lovely chocolate throw. I am IM'ing furiously with the only other person in the world who could appreciate my curren state, and this is what we have found.

So I have been stalking this watch for the last six months, hoping against hope that I will find $1200 with which to purchase this little beauty.

Oh yeah, and this one too...

I can just imagine how sparkly and beautiful these timepieces would be on my long elegant arm with my thin wrists. **sigh, wiping the drool from my side of my mouth**

Okay, I've recovered. Only to be taken by these:

And these:

Do yall have any idea how Amazonianly FABULOUS I would be with my 72 inches poised atop either of these gorgeous shoes? Do you? I mean, really. DO YOU????????

So then we moved on to these cute little cocktail dresses.



My GOD. The little yellow number almost made me drop my laptop on the floor in delight. I'm not always a fan of yellow, but this dress is so lovely, that I couldn't resist. Now if only I could find somewhere to wear these- what do you think? Maybe make Friday "Couture Day" at the new job?

It's Thursday, You Ain't Got No Job, and You Ain't Got SHIT To Do!

Don't you hate when someone says "Oh, I' so sorry to hear about _________ (insert appropriate event here)," when you know what they ACTUALLY want to say is "Ding dong the witch is dead!!"? Just thought I'd ask... DAMN I have a hard time letting shit go :)

Anyway... today I have a.... DAY OFF!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!! So as I got up this morning and looked around my new place thinking of all the things I need to be doing in order to get this joint in order, I thought to myself: forget about it. Today is my day off, and I refuse to spend it doing work- of ANY variety. What I would really like to be doing is taking my dog for a long walk in the park, doing a little more shopping at the sale at Banana Republic, going to get a fabulously long massage at the spa, and ending it all with a head massage at the hair salon. However, I am anxiously awaiting pay day, and therefore none of those things fit into my budget! So instead, I am laying on the couch catching up on my soaps from the last two weeks (yeah DVR) and leisurely reading other peoples' blogs. Since I moved here and took the new job, I haven't taken alot of time to myself. So today I am going to do exactly that. Give me a little while to think of something to profound to write about, and I PROMISE I'll be back today.

I snatched this from Joy's blog (hope she doesn't mind).....

1. If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?
Hmm... the pageant house in "Crowned." It has a rose garden, for God's sake!

2. If you had a clone, what would you make it do so you could have free time?
Go to work. Sometimes I am just OVER working for a living. And the saddest part of all is that I haven't been doing it NEARLY long enough to feel that way! But I would send the clone to the pharmacy so that I could spend my days reading, watching soap operas, and blogging :)

3. Who was your best friend when you were 8? When you were 13?
I had the same best friend from 1 to 20... Dionne Long. Our parents were in that wonderful pyramid scheme Amway together, and we were ALWAYS together. Whenever my mom went out of town, she would let me spend the night at her house. Whenever we wanted to go somewhere, the only question was "is Dionne's mom/dad going?" **sgh** I miss those days! We lost touch when we went to college in different states, but we've remained friends through adulthood, and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. Now she has a husband and a little boy, and I'm trying to catch up!

4. If you could travel anywhere, where would it be & why?
I would love love LOVE to go to South Africa. It's not so much about going "back to my roots;" I just want to see it. REALLY see it. My friend Kelly spent two months there studying, and she said that it changed her life. I just want to spend time in a place that is so drastically different then where I live. Plus I hear that it is devastatingly beautiful and one of the best trips you could ever take.

5. Would you hate losing your sight or hearing most?
Hmm... I think that losing my sight would be much more difficult than losing my hearing. I don't always have to hear what is going on, but I can't imagine what it would be like not to be able to see. Would I rather see the face of the man that I love or hear his voice? Would I rather see the smiles of my children or hear them crying? Would I rather see my food at a five star restaurant or hear the noise in the dining room? SEE SEE SEE.

Bonus (as in optional): Nature or nurture?
Now THIS is the best question of all. I think nurture, and can only look at myself and the woman that I have become. Of course I don't know anything about the people who contributed to my gene pool, so it is impossible to really know how they have shaped my personality. But I did know my mother, and I can unequivocally say that I AM MY MOTHER'S CHILD!! Not a day goes by that I don't catch myself saying something that she would say or giving someone a look that she would give. I just can't imagine that any biological connection between us would've contributed more to who I am than the time, energy, and thought that she spent with me.

Bitch Ass Motherfuckers

First and foremost, a moment of silence to commemorate what should be a very momentous occasion: post #200.

********************************

Okay, moment over. Now, I have to apologize in advance if this post seems a wee bit angry. I am unleashing the fury... why? Because I'm FURIOUS. **tell 'em why you mad son!** I promise that you'll regret that you asked (especially if you're the person with whom I'm furious). But hey- disclosure is cathartic (or so I'm told).

Don't you just loooooovvvvvve when people do something that both they and you know is wrong, but they try to make it seem like it's not? And don't you also love when they try to call your bluff by acting like they don't care that you're mad? And don't you love even MORE when they act like your disappearance from their life is as meaningless as that last drop of water that evaporated from the Pacific Ocean? Ah well. Two can play that game. Actually, no... scratch that. It's not a game, and that's where he went wrong. I was SO very serious when I said that I was leaving you free to live your life as you see fit without interference from me. But when I said it, I wasn't mad. Just a little sad and resigned to the fact that our friendship has been irrevocably changed. And then you went and said it. "Okay. See you when I see you."

The fuck?

THAT'S how you want it to be, Billy Badass?

Cool. I hear you barkin, Mad Dog. You coudn't have made it any clearer. You don't need me, and with that remark, I could do without you too. It's kinda funny how how a friendship that has been built and tested and challenged and bent and stretched and ripped and patched and finally settled into a comfortable warm bond can be so easily supplanted by something else. Without even a fight. **sigh**

Well... it puts it all into perspective. You wanted me to be your homeboy- the female equivalent of your other running buddies. Oh but wait- you already have one of those! So what the hell do you need me for? You want us to sit around and paint each others' toenails while we dish about men and women and how to make each others' relationships better? I'm thinking no. That shit is selfish. We meant something to each other once. And even though we apparently don't anymore (even though you said different not so long ago), wouldn't you think that we could at least be fair and kind? Wait... you don't do kind. I knew that- what was I thinking?

So that's why I'm mad- boiling, actually. But what's done is done. While others are going about their daily lives, I should do the same. That was part of my plan for 2008 (along with not letting other people put their TRASH in my garbage can), so why not start now? We were good once, and when I think of you from now on, that's what I'll think of. I've been splitting my time for too long, and it stops here. So good luck to you.

2008

I resisted doing this for precisely the same reason as everyone else: I hate making all of these promises to myself and then being down because I accomplished exactly none of them. But I'm going to issue this disclaimer: shit happens. I may not get all the way there. But if you catch me slippin on any of these, call me out.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS 2008

1. Make nine consecutive on-time student loan mayments. Oh yeah, boys and girls, it's real like that. When the man is after you, you gotta follow the rules. So after $9360, I'l be good on #1.

2. Speak what is not as if it were so. Contrary to science, in life positivity attracts positivity. So if I speak it out loud, it'll be. Period.

3. Stop letting other people put their trash into my trashcan, because when I'm have something that belongs in there, it won't fit. Your shortcomings are not my doing. Your failures aren't mine. No more. If you're ungrateful, then I'm not giving anymore.

4. Stick to the yoga AT LEAST three times a week. At least. They're starting a 30-day challenge at the studio, but my work schedule is too iffy for that. Three days. I have to commit.

5. Stop pulling him in when I want and pushing him away when I don't. He made a choice and then I made a choice in response. He's gone and I need to let him go to be free to find something better with someone better. And there is someone better for him than me.

6. 2007 is over. I can't get it back and I don't want it back. Stop talking about what I could've done and what I should've done. I couldn't and I didn't. So release it. You can't reach out to grab something new if your hands are already full.

7. I'm growing my hair out. No scissors (unless it's for a quick triim) until 2009. I'm even going to try to go without a relaxer until then too, but that's iffy. I was so beautiful when my hair was long, and I DESPERATELY want it back.

8. Say no. It probably sounds crazy coming from me, but I don't say "no" HALF as much as I should. If I'm tired or I'm sick or I'm broke or I'm sleepy or I'm hungry or I just plain don't want to, then NO. And I'm not giving an explanation. No is sufficient.

9. Find my birth parent(s).

10. Bring Christmas in on an island. No matter where or for how long... sun, alcohol, suntan lotion, and water. Vamanos.

This is Why Healthcare Should Unequivocally NOT Be Universal

So I have a doctor's appointment at 1:30 and I've never been here before. I'm driving up and down the street looking for the address that the receptionist gave me when I made the appointment. 616 Grove Avenue. But I'm confused- 616 is a house. So I call for directions. "Ma'am 616 is a house. Ohhhh.... the office is in the house? On the side? Umm... okay." **sigh** That's what the fuck I get for taking a reference for a physician.

Now I'm waiting. It's 1:15 and my appointment is at 1:30. I have NO confidence that I'll be seen before 2:00. **looking around for a distraction** These Hispanic overweight women (mother and daughter- both adults) are sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office with a grocery bag of food. The mother keeps reaching into the bag and pulling out a fucking snack, then handingg some to her daughter. Orange. Crackers. Cookies. Chips. WTF??? That's probably why yall's fat asses are in here!!!! STOP SNACKING! And how come every where I freaking go, nobody speaks English? It's NEW JERSEY, for God's sake! And so fucking LOUD, though. **sigh**

Ladies: do women still buy (and floss) Agnier? Just wondering. Well, she obviously does.

Flashback to work yesterday. I'm enjoying my last few days at my wonderful place of employment, so I'm just chillin. This lady comes in- turns out her daughter works in the pharmacy as one of my techs. **all of the following is taking place at HIGH volume** "Hey babe- just left the doctor. I told him all about the itch problem. I wanted..."

WAIT. Now I know I don't speak Spanish, but the impossibly fat woman (mother) is talking to another patient in the waiting room. I just heard "Slimfast." Oh hell naw.

Okay. "I wanted a pill, but he gave me this cream. I sure hope it helps! So I used my Medicaid- everything was free!!" **insert cell phone blasting "rock Boys" here** MY GOD. Medicaid patients have iphones? Bastards. Ah well... she still has that itch.

Monday Musings

#1 thing you will NEVER hear on white radio: "Don't forget Prodigy is in the studio this morning! He goes to jail on Wednesday, so this is one of his last interviews before he gets locked down!" **sigh**

Soooo... here I am back in blogland. Guess I'll have to build up my readership again since I've been on this unofficial hiatus. Went to yoga on Saturday morning- WHEW!! Please God, tell me (and be honest) that it'll get better soon. The poses are just so damn hard since I can barely touch my kneecaps, let alone my freaking toes! And watching all the serene white women in the front row calmly contorting themselves into rabbit and camel and God knows what else... ARGH! But the best part (and I mean this in the LEAST good part of the word "best") is the locker room.

Ahhh... the locker room, I sorry- CHANGING ROOM- of a Bikram yoga studio in Westfield, New Jersey. "Look at these! I guess after nursing three children, I should just stop being afraid and get them done." "Ooh did you just have yours done? Do you mind? May I touch them?" **sigh** For the record, I am NEVER comfortable with nudity... my own or anyone elses'. EVER. But nudity all around me in an enclosed space while carrying on a full and very lengthy conversation as if you are fully dressed.

I.

Just.

Simply.

Cannot.

Do.

It.

Under ANY circumstances.

Getting that many eyesful of the Caucasian female anatomy (and YES- it IS different) is simply more than I can handle. Honestly, I think my retinas are singed. And it's as if nothing unusual is going on!

Go yoga!

Mama Say Mama Saw Mamacoosah

Now it's a damn shame that I haven't blogged in almost a month. Ah well... I've been keeping track of others, so... bygones.

Anyhoo! Last night I discovered that there are parts of my body I never knew existed. And I also discovered the human body's endless capacity for sweat. I went to my first bikram yoga class, and yall... whew. Every time the instructor called out a new pose, she'd say the name of it, and then she'd say something that sounded like some old J-5 hit: "mama say mama saw mamacoosah" or something. **sigh**

I.
Have.
NEVER.
IN MY LIFE.
Sweated so much.

110 degrees. Twenty or so white people. Oh yeah, and me. Sweating. Like a Hebrew slave trying to put that last brick on the top of the pyramid. My God. I'm not flexible- AT ALL- so I felt quite a bit like a loser as everyone else was downward facing dogging and angry cowing and peaceful eagling and whatnot. However, I REFUSE TO GIVE UP. I see how bikram yoga can benefit me, I just have to stick to it like my clothes were sticking to me. So I went to Target and bought my very own mat and matching tote bag (no need to be sweaty AND mismatched!). Tomorrow's class is at 8 a.m. Stay tuned...

Oh yeah, and Happy New Year :)