Sometimes He Wonders

Sometimes I Wonder

I sometimes wonder if she knows
I sometimes wonder does it come across?
Does it show?

I sometimes wonder if she knows who it is that is
ineterested in her?
I sometimes wonder if she understands that this is a
man with the answer
The answer to that question in her heart and soul that
asks; when will she
be filled with the everlasting joy that can be felt
inside of her like the
warmth of beautiful sunrays that shines across her
face on a hot summer
day.

The answer to her heart and soul that asks; when will
she find the man who
will stimulate and seduce her mind like the feeling of
a soft gentle
feather
slowly caressing her body, or like the inviting
tingling sensation when the
cologne of a man that smells so good that it teases
the tastebuds of her
desire to feel his strong but gentle touch.

The answer to her heart and soul that asks; when will
she find the man who
complements her inner and outer being like the warmth
of glowing candles
surrounding her as she lays across the soothing scent
of passionate rose
petals that cascades her bed, or the warmth of a
beautiful laced wool woven
sweater that she snuggles into before heading for a
stroll on a cool winter
day.

Does she realize that I am the answer to all these
things?
I sit and ponder and as much as I wished that she does
I really don't know?
So "Sometmes I Wonder"

Realizations of A New Reality

Today is an interesting day. A day that immediately follows a VERY interesting evening. No, to all of you out there (all THREE or FOUR of you!), there is no gossip on THAT front. But last night was an eye opener.

I was so angry for so long. I imagined all of the ways that you would eventually pay for what you did to me. All of the things you wanted but would never get. All of the people you would love who would never love you back. All of the successes that would be within your grasp, but would be just far enough away for you not to reach them. But then I realized something. You didn't do anything to me. You didn't hurt me. You didn't violate me. You didn't leave me. You were simply true to yourself, and for that I should be grateful. So now here we are some months later, and I am at peace. Sure, I think about you from time to time. Sure I call to see how you are even though you never call me back. Sure I wonder who you're with and whether she is making you happy. But it's always a passing thought. The thought is no longer accompanied by tears or regret. It is no longer a preface to a night of sadness and reflection. And then you call me. Twice. In one day. Once at home and once at work. Twice. In one day. After months of silence and unreturned messages. No "Merry Christmas, Mo" or "Happy New Year, mama!" Just silence. And then you call. Twice. In one day. To tell me that you're coming back. Not back to me. Not back to us. But you're coming back. I'll no longer be protected from you by three time zones and two busy careers. I'll no longer be able to think of you as being in another country because in my mind, you are so far away. You're coming back. But the biggest surprise of all: I didn't react. I did't leap for joy. I didn't shake in fear. I didn't cry about the possibilities. I simply didn't react. I see it for what it is. A move that has nothing to do with me, but that you just wanted to share because it's big news in your life. And I am grateful for that. I am glad that you called me because I really did want to hear your voice. I am glad that called me because I really did want to know how you were doing. I am glad that you called me because I wanted you to know that I am happy now. Really. I am glad that you called me because I didn't want to believe that a friendship like ours could just shrivel up and die just because "I love you" took on new meaning. So I am glad that you called. I have missed you. But now I am at peace. I love you. But now I am not longing for you. I want to see you again some day. But now I have no expectations. Travel safely and with Godspeed. And don't stay in Iraq too long. We need you here.

Monique's Business is EVERYBODY'S Business!

Hey yall!!! The professional woman is BACK on the block. This ia, by far, the longest that I have ever been away from my blog la familia, and I MISSED YALL!!!!!! Nothing much has really been going on; just on that work grind. I have been keeping up with you guys from afar, I just haven't been chiming in too much. But in talking with a friend on the phone today, I see that- as usual- my name hasn't been too far out of peoples' mouths. Someone from school was saying, "Girl, Monique's business is EVERYBODY's business!" That's when I thought to myself, "You're right." Why am I hiding? I ain't doing nothing wrong, and in fact, all is right in my world. So I'm back to entertaining you guys again with the mundane details of my everyday existence.

I believe that when I was here last, I was giving you guys some updates on what was going on with big "first date" with Bishop. Well, it's month two, and he hasn't run away screaming just yet, so..... maybe there's promise. I have been a bit reserved because I am a little afraid to get too attached... I always seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. But things with Bishop are what they are... a fun way to spend my time and something to gossip about with the girlfriends :)

Merry Christmas

Hey blog family... sorry I have been away so long. I just never realized how few hours there are in a day when you are working six days straight of 12-14 hour shifts! I am working until Friday, and then I can enjoy the New Year celebration without concern of unpaid insurance claims, mixed up medications, and customer servicce nightmares for at least three days. I wasn't able to do my grateful Wednesday this week, so I figured I would just tell you guys what I am thankful for this Christmas.
- another year of life
- the hospitality of others who were willing to share their holiday and their family with me
- a fresh new hairdo... yall KNOW a sister couldn't go into the new year with old hair!
- old friends with new conversation
- new friends who call just to see what you're doing and then spend an hour on the phone playing Truth or Dare
- busybodies who really don't mean any harm; they just want to know EVERYTHING that is going on in your life!
- grandmothers who get better with age
- the memory of a mother who just plain ROCKED!
- fathers who, despite their faults, really do try to look out for you
- growth and evolution. That old thorn in my side is GONE, and I have never felt better! So Merry Christmas to you too :)
- Serendipity because I think Kelly and I might be hitting them up on Friday... hear they have the best hot chocolate in town
- Dreamgirls, even though I have to wait until Saturday to see it :(

Christmas Tag

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? I LOVE me some egg nog. Spiked or not, doesn't matter... LOVE IT!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa? Who the hell is that guy? I haven't had a traditional Christmas like that in TOO long.

3. Colored lights or white lights on tree/house? Definitely white. My mommy always said that the colored ones were too busy, and as an adult, I tend to agree. In Jersey City they have wrapped the trees in these really beautiful periwinkle colored lights... those are cool too.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Always thought that was exclusively for white people. But hey, I am half white, so I guess I should start embracing that side of my heritage... bring on the 'toe!!

5. When do you put up your decorations? I don't, but if I did, I would probably wait until about two weeks before Christmas. Trees and lights the day after Thanksgiving is just a bit too overwhelming.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? My mommy's macaroni and cheese. Hands down.

7. Favorite childhood holiday memory. The year that I got four Cabbage Patch dolls at the same time. My neighborhood was BUZZIN!!!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I really have no idea.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? As a child I never did. Now I really don't get gifts, so I never have the option.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? White lights and gold ribbons.

11. Snow: love it or dread it? Love to look at it, hate to drive in it.

12. Can you ice skate? I went ice skating in 2000 and tore two ligaments in my knee. Enough said?

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Not really. I was an only child, so it was always so special for me.

14. What’s the most important thing to you about the holidays? Making sure that I speak to the people who matter the most to me, no matter where they are in the world.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert?Egg nog.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? We didn't really do the tradition thing. But the family that i spend holidays with now has a spades tournament at every family gathering, and that is RAPIDLY becoming my favorite thing. They have a trophy and everything :)

17. What tops your tree? I don't have a tree, but if I did, probably nothing.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving gifts? I love to give gits, but it has been a while since I've received anything.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? "Oh Holy Night"

20. Favorite Christmas movie? A Christmas Story. That little boy is HILARIOUS!

Delayed Date Details

Sorry, guys... I wasn't intentionally leaving the few of you who care out of the loop, but I honestly forgot that I never posted the date details. So now that I have been on several, let me tell you about the first.

Background: I go to a church where the pastor and first lady are close family friends. "Lady B" as the church folk call her (and my second mother) has made it her personal mission to find a man for me ever since I moved to New Jersey. So unbeknownst to me, she and her husband had approached this man (who will henceforth and forever more be called "Bishop" because my friend Jen thinks it's hilarious that I'm seeing a church goer) and asked him if he would be willing to meet me. Apparently he said yes, so one night after Bible study, she introduced us. I had actually noticed him at the church before, but felt a little funny about it because whenever I saw him, he was on his way up to altar call. You know, nothing says "heathen" more than having lustful thoughts while others are throwing themsleves on the mercy of the Lord at the altar during 10:45 service. So we chatted for a bit and he gave me his business card. Now me (having NO game whatsoever), put the card in my purse and proceeded to forget all about it. The next Sunday, I was gathering my stuff together after the service when I looked up and saw him standing in the aisle by my pew. He asked me what I was doing that day and I said "nothing." So then he asked me if I wanted to have lunch with him. Wowwwwwwww. I almost passed out (but I was afraid it would be mistaken for a delayed catching of the Holy Ghost, so I remained erect), but I managed to say "sure" with a somewhat confident and composed look on my face.

The date: So I followed him to a restaurant not too far away (I actually don't remember what it's called because I was so nervous!!!). We both parked in the parking garage where he proceeded to let me have the space closest to the exit (okay, I see you with the manners!). When we were walking through the garage and out on the street, he insisted on walking on the outside so that he would be closest to the traffic, and when we got to the restaurant, he held the door, helped me with my coat, AND pulled my chair out for me (and they say chivalry is dead). When I got up to wash my hands after ordering, he stood up from the table, and when I got back, he stood up again until I was back in my seat. At this point, things are looking up... I am having brunch with a handsome, older man who is very well mannered and quite charming. We chatted about our lives while we waited for the food to come, and I realized something very early on: older men don't have time for all the game playing. Now this may not be true for ALL older men, but this one definitely doesn't. From the minute we started talking, he was very open and honest about his life and where he is right now. Not too long ago, he lost his wife (she died of an asthma attack - does it get any sadder than that?) and he has a 12-year-old daughter who lives with him. Five years ago, that would've had me making a mental note to delete his number from my cell phone. But I have realized something very important in the last few years: everybody has a past and everybody has a story. Some are more interesting than others, and some are less benign than others, but we all have something in our past that others might not want to deal with. So if this is a Black man who is living as a single father, taking care of his daughter while owning his own business and attending church on a regular basis, then I'm not going to be so quick to hit that delete button, ya know? I won't bore yall with every little detail about the lunch, but it really was a lot of fun. We went into the restaurant at 2:00 and didn't leave until close to 6:00 (and for the one who I KNOW is reading this and snickering to himself, no, it wasn't like THOSE four hours! We were still in the restaurant). As we were leaving, we were talking about movies, and I mentioned that I wanted to see the new Denzel Washington movie that was coming out the next week. He said, "Oh, we should go! Are you free Wednesday night?" Well, I guess that was my cue that the date was a success. He was already making plans with me to go out again, and I didn't even have to wait that anxious week or so for the next phone call! We got to my car where he gave me the money to pay for the parking garage (MANNERS.... LOVE THEM!), and he said that he had a really good time. I was very interested to see how he was going to handle the goodbye, so I lingered by the car door with a little more conversation. Finslly I made some comment about how it was getting cold, and I really should be getting home. So he leaned over and kissed my cheek, and then said that he would call me Tuesday night to talk about the movie on Wednesday. And just like that... he was gone. About five minutes later, he called to make sure that I knew where I was and wasn't having any problems getting home.... sweet. Then later that night he sent me a text message that said, "I enjoyed the brunch and your conversation very much. I look forward to the movies on Wednesday."

The end.

SIGH. I went on a date. Yeah! And it was fun. Really fun. And I didn't die! And I didn't do anything too stupid and embarrassing! So here is what I have decided that I like about him in the 25 days since that first date...

He's handsome. Really handsome. He's older than me which I thought I would never want again. After the fiance, I swore off all oder men because I was conviced that the only reason they wanted me was because they were going through a midlife crisis! Bishop is 37, and for the most part he acts his age. But every now and then I catch a glimpse of the twenty-something Bishop, and it's cute. He's considerate. He calls when he says he's going to call, and he doesn't when he knows that he doesn't plan to. He checks with me to make sure that I have gotten home safely and he always asks me if I remembered to set my alarm for work. He's funny. Yall know how I love a comedian! Bishop isn't funny in a Dave Chspelle sort of way, but he's funny in a "Aw... that's funny" kind of way. He makes me laugh when he is being silly, but everything he does isn't funny. He is in love with his daughter. He is a very stern father, but I can really tell how much he cares about her. Single fathers are sexy, especially when there's no baby mama drama! He goes to church. I never realized that I cared about that before, especially since before I moved here, my attendance was sketchy at best. But Bishop talks alot about how church has changed his life, and how his relationship with God has opened doors for him that otherwise would've remained closed. I like to listen to him talk about his walk because it makes me more hopeful about my own. He loved his wife. I mean he REALLY loved his wife. He mentions her from time to time, and I can always tell how strongly he felt about her. He is still close to her mother (she lives nearby), and he still carries their wedding picture in his wallet. I would've been bothered by that, but I look at it like this: if I were married and then suddenly lost my husband, I can't IMAGINE how long it would take for me to remove that last piece of him from my everyday life. He talks sometimes about how hard it has been because he felt like he had finally learned how to be in a relationship and be the kind of husband that he should be. He was opening himself up to someone and allowing himself to completely share his life with her when he blinked and she was gone. Plus, he wanted to have more children and when his wife died, she was pregnant, so that was a double blow. I guess Bishop is not the kind of man I would've ever chosen to go after if I had known his story beforehand. But even though I didn't know about it, someone was trying to pull us together. Only he knows whether or not he is ready to move past his grief over losing his wife and look at another woman in a potential dating situation. But time will tell, I guess... for now, the brunch was fun. The movies was a good time (even though the actual film was a bit of a disappointment). More dates? Stay tuned...

Grateful Wednesday (Just on Thursday!)

Sorry guys... this new job has got me ALL to pieces lately, and I completely forgot to post yesterday. So this week, I am grateful for...

- Christmas being in a few days. Even though it's not the same anymore since I'm not a kid and my family is so far away, I still get mildly excited about the holiday.
- Pay day after I worked 50 hours. I have soooooooo many bills it is ridiculous.
- Puppies. My friend just got a new dog for his daughter, and he is sooooo cute :)
- Finding out that those who were always judging you have actually fallen a little short their damn selves. Karma's a bitch.
- Finding the money in my bank account to get a full tank of gas tonight before I ended up pushing my car over the Pulaski Skyway.
- Tasha finding an opening for me to get my hair done back home before Christmas, cuz my kitchen is ON FIRE!!!!
- 60 degree days in the middle of December (even though my friend SWEARS that it's influenza weather)
- Other peoples' blogs because they keep me up to date... I have really been slacking lately, but I am trying to do better.

Happy holidays blog la familia!!!!!

Grateful Wednesday

Although it is still a little early and I am procrastinating on getting ready for work, I decided to get my grateful list down first. Today I am grateful for
- Honesty.
- Having a job to go to even if it does involve standing on your feet for 12 hours straight.
- Having hair on my head even if I am ready to go INSANE waiting for the back to grow out!
- Tomorrow being my mother's birthday. Even though she isn't here with me anymore, it always gives me a whole day just to sit and remember what a phenomenal person she was.
- Season Five of 24 being out on DVD FINALLY even though I am so broke that it will be next week before I can cop that!
- First dates (and yes, I will eventually give you those details, I promise).
- The ability to recover from unexpected news with style and grace.
- I can't remember when I got the results in the mail, but I think it was after last Wednesday, so today I am grateful for passing the NAPLEX and being one step closer to getting my pharmacist license.
- Being the subject of conversation at the Hampton University Alumni Reception at ASHP in Anaheim. I LOVE having haters :)
- Trish's example... she's gone now, but I still read her stuff and learn something different every day.
- Strong Black fathers who take care of their responsibilities because they WANT to and not because they were ordered to.
- Friendship.

Well I NEVER!!!

I got this from Terrance, so if you don't like it, send him the hate mail, NOT ME!!! But I think it's pretty cool, so PLEASE participate or else I look like the lame-o with no blogger friends :)

You ever played that drinking game called "I Never" (reference an old episode of Girlfriends where Joan had never gone to a nude beach, so they all went and she ran into her DAD!!!)? Basically, you say something you never have done, and if the people playing with you have done it, they have to take a drink. I wanna try something a little different on the blog. I am going to say something that I have never done and if you have done it then I need you either to tell us about it on your blog or in the comments section. Please be sure to let us know that you posted about it. Also, once you have answered truthfully, it is your turn to say something you have never done. It'll be either fun, or incredibly annoying. I'll start off with 3 things I have never done. Let's see how far we can spread this across the blog community.

I never had a one night stand.

I never went to Africa.

I never skinnydipped.

If you did it, tell us all about it. And then give me an "I Never" and I will write about them later in the week. Have fun!!!!

Celebrate Good Times, COME ON!!!!!!!!!

Well, well, well.... the long awaited NAPLEX results have arrived, and I, friends and neighbors, HAVE PASSED!!! Goody gumdrops and all that other stuff. NAPLEX, done. Nest up is the New Jersey law exam. And then.... I'm done.

The Centennial

Hey yall... I am soliciting ideas for my 100th post (this is #92). Seems like I should write about something meaningful and deep to commemorate the occasion, but I do that on any regular day (I think!). Any ideas??????

Transitions, Part 2

Life is so full of changes. Some good, some bad, but all changes. The other day I was talking about Trish and how she had made her transition. I really don't want to speak too much more on that because it is such a blow to me even though I hardly knew her at all.

I initially named my last post "Part 1" because I was going somewhere in particular for the second part. But I think I'll wait a while. Marinate on it for a minute and then get back to yall when my mind is right. In the meantime, it is Wednesday and I am grateful for...

- God and the miracles He continues to show me in my life as well as the lives of others.
- The idea that such a beautiful spirit has made her way home into a life of love, happiness, and no more pain.
- That 2004 Lexus GX or $31,000 even though it was already sold to someone else. That truck was beautiful and it renewed my faith that maybe I too can find a great deal in time for that big snow storm this winter.
- Teasing.
- Finally getting through to someone I care about so much. I just hope that my words came out the way I intended them to: as concern and love, not preaching and teaching.
- Being asked out on a date. It hhas been so long that I was starting to think that I muct have a third eye in the middle of my head that is only visible to people of the opposite sex.
- Growth and maturity. I can really see a change in myself with every day that goes by, and I am starting to like what I see.

God's blessings guys....

Transitions, Part 1

I'm so sad tonight, guys... one of favorite bloggers finally found peace for her beautiful mind and lost her battle to leukemia yesterday. I never met her, we never even talked on the phone or through the Internet. But the few messages she shared on my blog and the words I read on hers touched me in a strangley powerful way. So rest in peace Trish... my heart goes out to your family, and especially your beautiful fat baby :) Go with God.

A.M. Randomness Stolen As Usual

The Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: "Bad Habit" Destiny's Child - DAMN!!! This is already starting to ring true!

Waking Up: "Shut Up Bitch Intro" Money Mike - HELL YEAH!!!!!!!! I love this game!!!! "It's Queen B, bitch! Not pawn, not rook, not knight... it's QUEEN!! This is what you're doin, and this is what I NEED you to be doin!"

First Day At School: "Watching Me" Jill Scott - Okay, this is getting a little freaky. I SWEAR that I'm not cheating, but the stars must be perfectly aligned right now

Falling In Love: "The Battle Is Not Yours" Yolanda Adams - Heh heh heh. Wish I had learned THAT lesson a long time ago!!

Fight Song: "Holy Holy Holy" Donnie McClurkin. I got nothin here.....

Breaking Up: "The One I Gave My Heart To" Aaliyah - Well, the title says it all, now doesn't it?

Prom: "Gift From Virgo" Beyonce - Not MY prom, but maybe somewhere...

Life is Good: "Oochie Coochie La La La" MC Brains - SHUT THE HELL UP!! This was freshman year in high school 1991. SIGH.... nah, fuck that.... awwwwwww yeahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! "Oochie coochie la la la. I am the Brains and I'm up to par!"

Mental Breakdown: "In A Sentimental Mood" Duke Ellington and John Coltrane - I LOVE this song.

Driving: "Get Your Number" Mariah Crey and Jermaine Dupri. Whatever.

Flashback: "The Panties" Mos Def - Uh, flash back to WHAT exactly with this song??

Getting Back Together: "We Fall Down" Donnie McClurkin - Okay Brother Donnie, I get it. I TOO can morph into someone else.

Wedding: "Everthing is Everything" Lauryn Hill - Good to hear this again!

Birth of Child: "Love" Destiny's Child.

Final Battle: "Nuttin But Love" Heavy D - Maybe at the end of the battle when I beat that bitch's ass??????

Funeral Song: "Foolish" Ashanti - Damn. And I started out so strong! Well, I have been a bit of a fool in my day, so maybe this is appropriate.

End Credits: "Inside My Love" Tina Broussard - Since I'm so damn lovestruck, I guess this is cool.

**I stole this one too. I figured since I'm already JAMMIN in here at 1:18 a.m., I may as well keep the party goin!**

Musical Shares (
1. How does the world see me? "Baby" Ashanti - I always loved this song, but a baby? Uh, okay.

2. Will I have a happy life? "Rollin With Kid 'N Play" Kid 'N Play - Hola hola heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Yeah, that was pretty lame.

3. What do my friends really think of me? "Caught Up" Usher - Yeah, they really do know me!

4. Do people secretly lust after me? "Jump" Kriss Kross - Again, I got nothin.

5. How can I make myself happy? "Nasty Girl" Vanity 6 - Wellllll.....

6. What should I do with my life? "Family Reunion" Jill Scott - Funny thing is that recently I have been thinking about finding my biological family. Hmm...

7. What is some good advice for me? "Hold Me Down" Danity Kane

8. How will I be remembered? "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" Lauryn Hill - "Every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me. I wasn't able to achieve." At least that what I think about mysef.

9. What is my signature dancing song? "Unchain My Heart" Ray Charles - I probably could've held it down back in the day!

10. What do I think my current theme song is? "I Don't Mean It" R. Kelly - I told yall before, love is when you hang up the phone and find a reason to call right back.

11. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? "All Falls Down" Kane West

12. What song will play at my funeral? "In The Rain" XScape - God, I hope not.

13. What type of women do I like? First of all, I prefer men, but I got "Trapped in the Closet Chapter 10" R. Kelly - "Now the midget jumps out of the closet and the policemam stubs his toe." ENough said.

14. What is my day going to be like? "I Can't Wait" Sleepy Brown - Me either. LMAO.

Happy Turkey Day

SIGH. I love him. LOVE HIM. I just finished watching yesterday's 106th and Park with Jay-Z, and it's official: I love him. I never really paid too much attention to Jay before. I've heard all the singles, know most of the words. But the B sides, the random albums, the ones that only the TRUE Hov fans have, I'd never heard of them. But today, I'm on the bandwagon. That new album is FIYAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! And he actually had something to say during the interview about stuff other than music. So go out and BUY that Kingdom Come; it's FANTASTIC.

So you know what it is; time for giving thanks. This is a special one since Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so I'ma dig deep. I am grateful for...

- Introductions.
- Memories of the life I had before.
- Glimpses of the life I have in store for me.
- Bernetta, Therman, Tyffani, Karen, and Gladys
- God's grace and His assurance that no matter what, he has something bigger in store for me than even I can imagine.
- Text messages.
- The progress I have made since last year this time.
- Grateful patients.
- The fact that my new job pays the bills.
- The fact that I FINALLY took the NAPLEX and realized that it was HIGHLY overrated.
- So many other things that I would be here all day trying to put them all down, so... HAPPY THANKSGIVING, YALL!!!!!!

Colorgenics Profile

I'm stalling on leaving for the city this morning because what's waiting for me at 1 Penn Plaza is none too nice! So I decided to do this personality profile that It Was Written shared with me. Wow, it's amazing how accurate this was - as Rashan put it, almost like an FBI profile! SIGH. I guess right about now my picture is up on the plasma screen in George Dubya's Oval Office. DAMMIT.

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

For some time now you have been feeling rather insecure. You are looking for - and needing - an environment that can offer you roots, stability and a position that will relieve you of excess tension and stress.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

At this moment in time you feel as if you have lost the strength of will to contend with existing problems and difficulties which appear to you as deliberate opposition. You are trying to stand your ground but the pressures are intolerable. You would like some co-operation from those around you but it's not forthcoming so you feel that, in its absence, there is nothing you can do to improve the current situation. You would like nothing better than to 'get away from it all'.

Be it through unfulfilled emotional requirements, whatever the circumstances you are experiencing considerable stress, be it mental or physical. To your credit you are attempting to escape from this by endeavouring to create a semblance of peace and serenity by refusing to allow yourself to be involved. You have the strength to 'pull through' and all indications are that you will... perhaps sooner than you even believed possible.

Realization of a Realism

This is for you, Jameil because you tried to play me for not posting in seven days. But mostly it's for me because... well, just because.

"Thank You! No, thank YOU!!!"
Thank you. No, really. Seriously. THANK YOU. I never realized that you could be so mean. I never realized that you could be so childish. I never realized that you could be so unfeeling and unaware. Thank you. Thank you for showing me what you look like after the love and life and laughter has been stripped away. Thank you for showing me that friendship doesn't look like you. Thank you for showing me that love doesn't live here anymore. Thank you for telling me about the guitar. Thank you for using the word "love" in the story. Thank you for asking you sister to be the bad guy. Thank you for revealing the truth: that underneath all of the inside jokes, and completed sentences, and shared experiences, and mind reading, that we are nothing anymore. I am nothing to you. You are nothing to me. Well, that's not true. You are my lesson. You are my revelation. You are my burden. You are my baggage. You are my story. You are my sadness. Thank you for that. Thank you for making me start every sentence with, "I remember when." Thank you for living so far away so I won't be tempted to visit. Thank you for not returning my phone calls so I won't say something that I'll regret later. Thank you for seeing me on MSN Messenger and changing your status to "away." Thank you for laughing when you tell your friends about the games you play. Thank you for not noticing the quiver in my voice when I laughed about stepping up my game. Thank you for making me question my worth and doubt my significance. Thank you for painting our future and then selling it to the highest bidder. Thank you for giving me just enough to trick me into thinking that you'll be back. And then disappearing. Forever. Thank you for sugarcoating shit. Thank you for not calling me when I graduated from pharmacy school, but bothering to call me for my birthday. Thank you for spending 10 whole days with me and then when I get home on the 11th, telling me it's over. Thank you soooooo much.

But I guess I shouldn't make it seem all bad. Thank you for showing me how to say "I love you" because I meant it and not because someone else said it first. Thank you for teaching me that confidence is a necessity. Thank you for introducing me to a family full of love and light when I needed it most. Thank you for driving four hours just to sleep on my couch and then go home the next day. Thank you for surprising me after church because you thought it would make me smile. Thank you for the vacuum cleaner. Thank you for the Omni Championsgate. Thank you for Busch Gardens Tampa and for admitting that you were scared of the Superman roller coaster. Thank you for Thanksgiving at Nags Head and New Year's at your cousin's. Thank you for bringing me out of the darkness into the light. Thank you for allowing me to catch a glimpse of what true happiness looks like. Thank you for showing me the future even if you're not in it.

But either way, I've been defeated. By you. And sadly, I never saw that coming. I never thought that you would or even could defeat me. But you have. So thank you. For nothing.

Grateful Wednesday

Sorry for the lateness of this post, but I worked all day toay and just got off my feet for the first time since 9:00 a.m. But I digress... I am grateful for...
- Morning Star Community Christian Center and the spirit that moved me to join last Sunday
- Reverend and First Lady Therman Evans
- CVS (even though I wish they would pay me a few more dollars!)
- My new Pumas, cause my body is SCREAMING after standing on my feet all day!
- My grandmother, the superstar. Just because...
- People with beautiful minds who continue to inspire me even though they have never and might not ever even see my face
- You because even though I thought you would laugh at me, you didn't because you knew that I was afraid and might not be able to hande it
- You even though you Indian gave me an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner... it's all good, though!
- 40 hours a week because I'm headed to Vegas in February!
- Tomorrow at 1:30 because do or die, that's when it all goes down
- Every day that goes by that allows me to see I can live without you and still be happy
- Kimora Lee Simmons... she's so damn fabulous!
- The opportunity to start a new chapter in my life that is hopefully better than all of the ones that came before it
- You for showing me who you really are. You're selfish and immature and silly and even a little spiteful. You cause pain because you don't know how else to relate to me anymore. But know that I understand you and have come to the realization that what I have been praying for has been the wrong thing and that's why He hasn't given it to me. So thank you for being you and thank God for showing eme who that is.

I LOVE When This Happens!!

I was reading Isis' blog tonight (check her out, yall) and I found this. I love it. Period. love it, love it, LOVE IT!!! I was JUST making this point the other day :)

Untitled
when people see me walking down the street
they mutter to themselves..

"she's too much .. I can't talk to her"
"she think's she's all of that"
"hmph.. look at her"

but just like a book .. located high on a shelf
if you never dare to open the cover
to curl up in a corner .. draw your feet up on the couch
and carress the delicate pages that are held within .. the hard exterior

one will never truly get to experience just how exquisite
.. profound
.. ethereal
.. surreal
just how good it really can be ..
unless. ..

you take the time
to reach high up
and select the book that you once figured was out of your grasp
and actually realized
it was exactly what you were looking for.

-Isis

I Almost Forgot

Hey yall... I almost zoned out on the fact that today is Wednesday, and therefore time for anotherpost full of gratefuls, so here we go. I am grateful for:
- my stylist having an opening today at 2:30 cause my hair was BEAT!
- no one else being the salon, so I was out by 4:00
- the patience that kept me from chasing that motherf7$#ker who sprayed me with HIV-infected street water this morning on the cornerof 57th and 9th
- my new job
- the fact that my employees are acting like assholes, therefore maiing it THAT much easier to walk away
- surrogate parents
- another one of my classmates biting the dust and keep me out of the gossip mill
- 20% off coupons at Ulta so I could get that cool new shampoo and conditioner
- Donald Rumsfeld FINALLY coming to his dumb ass senses
- dad's half of the rent
- Thanksgiving
- the chance of seeing you, even if only for a few minutes
- another Wednesday

Oh yeah... my friends Nikki and Piper (yes, Jarrod... your beloved Piper!) were captured by The Sartorialist the other day in the post "New York City Marathon 2006 Pt. 2." They're in the last picture as the Cheerleaders of Brooklyn... hey guys :)