Homecoming

"H-O-M-E-C... O-M-I-N-G! It's, Homecoming yall! It's Homecoming, yall!" Well, that's the attitude I approached the weekend with. Now, however, all I have to say is BOO HISSSSSS!!!!!

I went down to Hampton Thursday morning so I would have more time to relax and to catch up with my friends before they got caught up in all of the Homecoming hullabaloo (yes, I know.... I said hullabaloo). I stopped in to see one of my favorite bloggers for a second, and then I got suckered into going to the stepshow (problem #1). I should have known that no Deltas + no AKAa = disaster. When I finally got there at 9:30 (it started at 8:00), only one group had performed. Ogden was packed and people were trying to sneak into the side doors and windows (WHAT?). When I got there, the Iotas were stepping (KILLIN IT, I might add) which in itself was a mimor miracle. Then they started having audiovisual difficulties, so the DJ started playing gospel music. Yes, GOSPEL music at a stepshow! Now I love the Lord just as much as the next person, but something about "We Lift Our Hands in the Sanctuary" right after I saw an Iota simulating oral sex rubbed me the wrong way. Anyway, I left at 11:30, and the damn thing still wasn't over.

Friday morning I got up early and went to get my hair done. Oh yes.... boy, was THAT a debacle. I told my stylist that I wanted "something different." So everything that happened after that was entirely my fault. THIS is what happened after that (that's me in the middle, just in case you don't recognize the BALD HEADED BITCH!!!!!).

Yeah. Nothing more to say about that. I decided that I was too old to go to the Soiree, even though in hindsight, that probably would've been a good look. Because instead, I joined some friends and went to the T.I. concert. DOUBLE SIGH. Concert was supposed to start at 6:00 because T.I. had another show in Philly later that night. We got there at 6:15, and the DJ was still playing music. Cool. Three hours later, the Youngbloodz came out. I couldn't understand a word they were saying because their speakers were too loud, and that little nigga Sean Paul was eating his microphone. Not to mention the fact that I'm TWENTY NINE YEARS OLD. I don't know no damn Youngbloodz songs!! At one point, security came over and told us that they suggested we leave because T.I. wasn't coming, and they didn't want us to be there when the students started fighting. However, they encouraged us to leave one at a time so no one would notice that something was wrong. Uh, okay. But at 10:00, T.I.'s little ass finally came out. WOW is he little.

He sang the first verse of all of his hits, and then he left the stage. Not to change his clothes, but to go the fuck home. What time was it? 10:30. Yep, that's right. We waited four hours for a 30 minute concert. Wow. And this is all I have to show for it.

I woke up Saturday morning to a typhoon, so I decided that the game was a wash. But then, miraculously, the sun came out and it turned into a BEAUTIFUL day. My linesister and I drove over to campus and proceeded to try to scam our way into the game (whatever... $25 is RIDICULOUS for a sporting event). And then, things started going right. I looked up, and amid ALL those people, I saw my grandmother... YEAH!!! Tyffani and I fell in behind her, and presto chango! We had seats on the 50-yard line. FABULOUS. And along the way, I discovered something very important: my grandmother is an A-list celebrity! I'm talking about people waving at her from the stands (students, no less!), and random women breaking into the Delta circle after the game to take her picture (WTF??). Too funny. After the game, we went home to take a nap before this party at the Convocation Center. We were supposed to meet some girlfriends at 11 so that we could all go together. Okay, so why did we wake up THE NEXT MORNING?????? GREAT. And after hearing about the Paperazzi Party that wasn't (read all about it here), we heard that the Convocation Center party was the JUMP OFF. DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

So, Jameil, wish I could say more. But Homecoming was what it was. I guess I need to realize that I need to join Jarrod and start keepin it real alumni. Cause that's who I am now. SIGH.

I love, love, LOVE These Things!!!

This one's for Stacie.... thanks for the tag :)

Three Names You Go By: Mo, Moni, Moni-cue

Three Parts of Your Heritage: White, Black, I think that's all!

Three Things That Scare You: dying painfully, never finding the love of my life, never seeing my mom again

Three of Your Everyday Essentials: my cell phone, my lip glass, my Metro card

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now: gray sweatpants, black tank, pinl house shoes

Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists: Robin Thicke, Beyonce, John Legend

Your Favorite Songs: Dangerously in Love (Beyonce), Love Makes Things Happen (Pebbles and Babyface), and Love Takes Time (Mariah Carey)

Three Things You Want in a Relationship: Honesty, fun, love

Three Physical Things about the Opposite Sex: smile, height, smell

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies: reading, writing, music

Three Things You Want Really Badly Right Now: a new car, to cuddle, some new clothes

Three People You Would Like to See Do This: Jarrod, Shani, Jameil

Three Non-Physical Things About the Opposite Sex: sense of humor, ambition, warm spirit

Three Favorite T.V. Shows: Will & Grace, Lost, The L Word

Three Songs that you have listened to while completing this meme: The theme song to Desparate Housewives, the theme song to Flavor of Love (is that a song?), and Irreplaceable (playing in my head right now)

Bitch, You Are a Mother F&%# Lie!!

OH MY GOD!!! Why do people feel the need to lie about EVERYTHING? There is a girl who graduated with me who took the board exam and scored a 145 (why do I know this, you ask? Because a good friend works for NABP and has access to the score reports). Okay, so a 145 is a BOMB ASS score - the maximum is 150. So why is she going around telling people that she got a perfect score? As in a 150 out of 150? And why are people believing that foolishness? Is it not enough that you graduated #1 in our class and got five points away from perfect? You had to lie and say that you ACED the test? That, BY FAR, is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard in my life. And people say I am a liar... whew!! Chile, that takes the cake! But for my Anoymous boo (and I just KNOW that you are eating this one up!), I am really curious to hear what you have to say about this.... I know she's your girl :) Holla.......

I'm Stealing From New People Now!

Yall know how it goes when I have nothing interesting to write about it, but still feel the need to blog anyway. So here are two memes I stole from It Was Written.

The Two Words Tag (All answers must be in two words)
1. Explain what ended your last relationship? Love fear
2. When was the last time you shaved? Three days
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Taking shower
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Resignation letter
5. Are you any good at math? Definitely good
6. Your prom night? Embarrasingly sad
7. Do you have any famous ancestors? Not Sure
8. Have you had to take a loan out for school? Hell yeah
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? Profile Deleted
10. Last thing received in the mail? Some bills
11. How many different beverages have you had today? Just Coke
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines? Most times
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? MC Hammer
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Uh no
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? Deep scaling
16. What is out your back door? Balcony, grill
17. Any plans for Friday night? T.I. concert
18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I'm Black
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? No never
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? In school
21. Do you re-use towels after you shower? Uhh, yeah
22. Some things you are excited about? New job
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? Lemon lime
24. Describe your keychain(s): M, elephant
25. Where do you keep your change? closet shelf
26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? work presentation
27. What kind of winter coat do you own? which one
28. What was the weather like on your graduation day? Very hot
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? It's open

The Incredibly Weird "What If" Question Meme
1. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Ooh, let me see. Britney Spears. She is SO over.

2. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? Boris Kodjoe

3. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Do the same "no strings attached" rules apply? Cuz if so, james Todd Smith. Lord, he is beautiful.

4. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? I would buy this green wool coat I saw a lady with this morning on the subway. It was SOOOO fierce!

5. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? San Diego, California

6. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Catch a cab

7. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? Call everyone I love and tell them why I love them. Then, if my 30 minutes isn't up yet, I would comb my hair so my mommy won't say, "Girl, what have you been doing with yourself?" when I see her :)

8. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be? Hmmm... a super power? Wow, I don't know. I would probably choose the power to be in two places at the same time.

9. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? The last thirty minutes of my mother's life... I have some things I want to tell her.

10. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? Another "hmm...." I would like to say something deep and profound like I would go back and alter the course of slavery or racism in the South, but really, I just want to go back to just before my ex decided that he wanted to break up with me.

11. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? September 18, 2003

12. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now? St. Tropez

13. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? Celebrity? Let me see.... maybe Luther Vandross. I need another love song.

14. What’s your theme song? Oh, I have so many. But something that really captures me... it would be an old one. "Ain't No Half Steppin'" by Big Daddy Kane and

Selfish (As Usual)

Real quick... is it selfish to ask yall to switch to the new beta blogger? You won't have to make any changes to your existing blog - apparently it's just newer and stuff (can't yall tell I'm REALLY tehnologically advanced?). But it won't let me post comments on anyone's wall who doesn't have blogger beta also :( I neeeeeedddd to leave my comments!! Pretty please.....

Sir, PLEASE! I'm Not Gonna Ask You Again. Give Me My 40 Acres and a Mule!!!!

That was my saying of the night... you know the one - every time you go out and have a few drinks, there's always one thing that you say that gets cemented in everyones' minds because it's just so damn funny? Well, that was mine. "Sir, PLEASE! I'm not gonna ask you again.... give me my 40 acres and a mule!!" (actually it sounded more like "40 goddam acres and a motha fuckin' mule," but hey - I was pleasantly intoxicated!).

Friday night I went out to dinner with some friends at this place called The Den in Harlem. I checked out the menu online before I went (being the foodie that I am!), and I had several of the drinks earmarked in my mind for future consumption. The "Foxy Brown," the "Gold Digga," "The Jungle Fever," and as you can see, my favorite, "The 40 Acres and a Mule." When we get there, I look at the drink menu and immediately notice that my first choice isn't printed there. After much cajoling with the waiter and the bartender, the second "he" remembered how to make the drink and the first "he" brought it to my table. The 40 acres: Stoli Orange, Watermelon Pucker, and Apple Snapps. The mule: a chaser shot of Coffee Patron. Whoo chile... now THAT is my kind of drink. I had one before the food came, then my meal came with a glass of red wine, then I had another... so that brought me to a grand total of 80 acres and two mules (sorry, Helen... I had to say it just one more time!). Then (as if that weren't enough), I had a Jungle Fever (layered shots of Kahlua and Bushmill's Irish Cream)...

Now, don't get me wrong, I really am not a lush. But there were these two guys who insisted on sitting down next to us and carrying on a completely ridiculous conversation about a whole lot of nothing. They were correctional officers at Sing Sing (is that the new pickup line - was I supposed to be impressed?), but they had the combined conversational ability of a brass monkey (my mom used to say that - I used to giggle every time!). As soon as they leaned over and started talking (completely uninvited, I might add), I started in on the waiter to "keep 'em comin!" I can't even begin to tell you guys how hard it was not to just crack up laughing right in these guys' faces, but they just wouldn't get the hint: we kept trying to have a conversation that included only the three of us, but they always found a way in. Finally, the big one (yes, there was a big one and a little one!) said, "So what do yall single ladies do for a livin?" (who said we were single? But anyway...) I was kinda hoping that this would do the trick, so I looked expectantly at Marsha who smiled ever so sweetly and said, "I'm a physician." The little one choked on his Heineken. Then Shevonne said, "I'm a marketing analyst at ING." The big one's eyes got big, but to his credit, he swallowed his beer. Then I round 'em out with, "And I'm a pharmacist." At that point, I got a little taste of why men can spot a gold digga a mile away... these dumb asses then proceeded to ask us each how much money we make and how come we're not married. SIGH..... that was when I had to yell at the waiter. I had asked him two times to bring me another drink, and he just wasn't moving fast enough to numb the pain that these losers were inflicting. "Sir, PLEASE!! I'm not gonna ask you again. Give me my 40 Acres and a Mule!! Don't you think it's about 200 years overdue?" The entire restaurant got SILENT, Marsha and Shevonne were giggling their asses off, and the waiter turned this lovely shade of plum. When he finally brought it over, I apologized profusely and left a very generous tip, but I'm sure he rushed home to tell all of his friends about the angry Black women in The Den that were demanding their 40 acres. Man, Brother Jesse would be so proud :)

Lawdy, Lawdy... Lawd Have Mercy!!!

Okay, so I was coming home from dropping off some urine for a drug test at the request of my new job - yall know the one that I was forced to take when I got fired from my residency **wink wink**. I decided to stop at the grocery store to get some popcorn to eat while watching my Thursday night television. I was in a part of town that I normally don't go through, so I wasn't that familiar with the area. All of a sudden, I saw a supermarket on the left side of the street. As I was pulling over into the parkng lot, my first clue that I was in for a treat was when I saw the sign reading "Martin Luther King Boulevard." Lawd have mercy!!!!! Once my car was parked in its designated parking space amidst the broken shopping carts and random condom wrappers (HONEST!), I noticed the name of the store: "Extra Gricery Store." Lawd have mercy!!!! When I got out of the car, I felt like I had just walked onto the set of The Wire minus that unbelievably deelishis (shout out to my man FLA-VOR FLAVVVVVVV!!!!) Idris Elba (anybody know where I can find him?). I mean really... this was the grocery store from every stereotype in every comedy sketch done by every Black comedian in America! There were hardly any brand named products in the whole store - all I was looking for was some Orville Reddenbacher (sp?), but the only thing on the shelf was the store brand. Then I looked for some soda - no Coke, no Pepsi, no Nehi, no Fanta... just store brand. WTF?????? I had to walk out because the whole thing was just so ridiculous. So no popcorn for me. But plenty of jokes.

For Those Who Know Not and Know Not They Know Not

I always loved that phrase... it was slightly confusing, but when you break it down, it makes sense. So this post is for all those people out there who know not, but have no clue that they DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING!!!!!

Issue #1: My anonymous blog reader has reared her ugly head again **hey!!** In case you are the one who knows not, let me tell you: the 90 day rule only applies if you have taken the test and failed it. If you have never taken it (which I have not), then you take it whenever you want. Cool on that? Cool.

Issue #2: I was listening to 98.7 this past Sunday and Olivia McClurkin (Donnie's sister, I believe) was giving her testimony on the morning show about how she had survived stage IV cancer in six or seven locations in her body. She spoke about how every doctor told her that she had no hope and that there was nothing they could do. She spoke about the healing power of God and how He was telling her to stand through her adversity and that He would see her through. Then another woman called with her testimony. She used to be a police officer, but had to quit her job when she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer of the stomach lining, ovaries, uterua, Fallopian tubes, liver, and bone. She survived as well, and now there is no trace of cancer in her body. She said that God told her that while He wasn't "giving" her this disease, he was allowing her to live through it in order that others might learn from her struggle. He had faith in her ability to be strong and survive to tell of His wonders when she came out on the other side. So while I am listening to all of this, I am starting to tear up. It is alawys so powerful to hear stories of how people survive trmendous adversity with a positive attitude and no anger in their hearts. But what really made me cry when I stopped to think about it was this: what was so special about these people? Why did my mother - who was the best person I have ever (and might ever) known in my life - have to suffer and eventually lose her life to the very illness that these two women (and many others) survived? She had stage IV cancer also. The doctors told her that there was really nothing they could do. She struggled through chemo- and radiation therapies, she took all of the pain medications, she did everything she could. But she died. And that makes me angry. I know I'm not supposed to question God, but I just really don't understand. A third caller summed up everything I was feeling when she said that her had lost her mother to cancer and she could never understnd why God took her mother and spared so many others. She was asking Ms. McClurkin what she could say to those people out there who have sacrificed their loved ones to disease and illness. How do they (we) get past the pain and the anger when others are allowed to experience such joy? I really wanted to publish this post Sunday afternoon, but I was caught up with something else (which will be issue #3), so I'm just now getting around to it. But it just made me so sad.... my mother was such a phenomenal women. She never intentionally harmed anyone and would give her last breath to someone in need. Why didn't God choose her to tell His story? I'm struggling with that....

Issue #3: For those of you who read this blog on any type of consistent basis, you know that I am not entirely happy at my job. I haven't said much about it lately, but it really has become quite an ordeal. I was thinking about quitting for several months, but I didn't want to make such a huge decision while I was angry or disillusioned. Every few days I would make a list about the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. But most of all, I was spending that time trying to convince myself that I am not a failure. I chose to do this residency, I chose to live this life. So I felt like a bit of a quitter for considering the option of bailing on something that I CHOSE. But some advice from a very good friend put it all into perspective: "It's not quitting if it is what is best for you. It's not quitting if you've given it your all and can't see a difference. You don't want to leave because it's too hard or because you aren't up to the job. You want to leave because it's not what you signed up for. The program you wanted is not the program you got." And I realized that he was right. I don't dislike this program because they are asking for something from me that I am unable to give them. I am the best resident they have - I think so, and according to my managers, they think so too. But I didn't come all this way to sit beind a desk and shuffle papers. I don't want to be a manager. I want to be a pharmacist. So after months of thinking and praying, I have come to a decision. I am leaving my residency program. I spent all day Sunday looking for new job opportunities. Monday morning, I got a voicemail message from a recruiter wanting to set up an interview. Yesterday morning I went to the interview. Yesterday afternoon I got the job. Double my salary and half my hours. Less stress and more satisfaction. Less commute and more time to enjoy my new surroundings. I have never felt more free. At first I was worried about what other people would think. I can just imagine how much money Verizon Wireless is raking in as we speak as the haters (both known and anonymous) light up the airwaves with, "Did you hear that Monique got fired from her residency? Girl... she had a nervous breakdown and had to quit. Did you hear? Monique is such a loser!!" Well, if leaving a job that I hate for a job that I like means I'm a loser, then I'm good on that. If handing in my letter of resignation means that I got fired, then that's cool too. 'Cause I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And life has never been so sweet :)

My Truth or Dare

Here are the tasks I have been given by the beautiful Ms. Trish on her blog...
TRUTH: What celebrity are you infatuated with?
Now yall who read my blog already know the answer to this one, so I'll avoid the obious and pick my second favorite infatuation: Jay Z. Seems like a logical jump, but I really do love him and have for a long time.
DARE: Post a picture of you from high school ;)
Oh Lord, do I even have a picture of me from high school? Let me see...


Ahh yes, here we are... please keep the snickering to a minimum. I really do think that I have come a long way baby....

Brief Check-In (Again)

Thanks to all the people who felt my last post... I threw a bit of a tantrum and walked away, but I'm back now.
Actually, I just wanted to solicit some prayers from you guys. I have to have an outpatient procedure performed tomorrow and I know from working at a hospital that occasionally things can go wrong. So - lift me up when you get a chance. I'll be back with something substantial soon. Hugs....

Come One, Come All

Step right up, ladies and gentleman! Only one dollar for a quick glimpse of the world's most stupid woman!! Check it out, it's amazing!!!

Okay, so yeah - that woman is me. Can you believe that last night (or early this morning, rather), I heard those infamous words: "It's not you, it's me. I have heard several people say that, so it must be me. There's nothing wrong with you at all." YAWN.... BULLSHIT. It isn't enough to say that the problem is you if you are never going to do anything to change yourself... damn, I feel some deja vu... didn't I write about this before... like seventeen million times? Backtrack. This morning my friend was telling me about his night out, and he got to this part where he met this attractive woman who "seemed sensible" (she didn't split verbs, he said), and so they exchanged numbers and agreed to meet for lunch today. Why don't men understand that it is NEVER okay to talk about a new woman with a woman that you used to have sleep with - even if you never considered that woman to be anything more than "just a friend." "So what?" you ask. I'll tell you what... that's how he and I got to be friends. I recognize the game being layed down. And now almost a year later, I realize that that's all it was. Game. Plain and simple. I fell for some game. For a split second (okay, for almost a year) I allowed myself to believe that this person actually liked me and that our friendship was mixed up in something a little more interesting and a lot more important. Yeah, right. So after thinking about that for a little while, I realized something - it's time to pull up my stakes and roll into the next town (figured I'd keep up the carnival references for all yall Southerners). I am so over being the part-time friend. The good time girl. The "I am so bored, so let's hang out" friend. Am I mad at him? No, I created this scenario. I allowed myself to be placed into that box, and more importantly, I have made no moves to get out of it. But enough is enough. I have friends. Not very many and not in a lot of places, but I have friends. Friends who care about my feelings and who actually realize when they've hurt them. Friends who want me to be happy and who work hard at making that a reality. I don't need any more "best friends in my head" (Wendy Williams-ism). I am 29 years old and I am tired of this bullshit. No more of this we argue today and then don't speak for a few days hoping that it will blow over and you won't have to discuss it anymore. No more of this I call you when I don't have anything better to do with my day. And definitely no more of this beautiful, intelligent woman who cares more about you than you do about her. Do I sound like I am trying to convince myself? I am. But I'm tired of crying over a man who doesn't give a damn about me. And I realied that while I was trying to deny it and doing everything I cold to avoid it, I kinda loved him. Not "I am so in love with you, let's get married and someday" kind of love, but I really do think that I loved him. Friends? Right. The only tears I have ever cried over my true friends are the ones that we've cried together. This man doesn't need me, and he realizes that. So why I am so late on the pick up? He has moved up to the 2007 model, and even though all the signs were there, I never saw it coming. So maybe over lunch, the two of you can talk about all kinds of things without the trouble of interpreting split verbs. Maybe she'll find you attractive and funny and the two of you will talk for hours in her car after the meal is over. And maybe, just maybe, if you're lucky she'll be so taken with you that she'll ignore the voice of her conscience that is screaming, "Are you crazy?" and she'll have sex with you in a few days. At any rate, enjoy your new life, old friend. I can't be your good time girl anymore.

H-A H-A H-A

It just occurred to me (after I stopped to wonder why I am still awake at 1:46 in the morning) that several things have struck me as being funny this week. Since I have such terrible short-term memory, I decided to write them down hopefully for yall's chuckling pleasure.

1. I was watching Def Comedy Jam, and this one comedian was messing with this man in the front. The man was rather uptight and he wasn't laughing at any of the jokes. So the comedian starts mocking him and saying, "I'm so smart. I don't have to laugh, I can spell it. H-A H-A H-A!!" (it was much funnier when I saw it on TV)
2. A corpus callotomy???? I was watching a commercial for this week's Grey's Anatomy (shut up, Jarrod - you keep mine, and I'll keep yours) when I heard Dr. McDreamy (what a dumb ass name) say that he was getting ready to perform a "corpus callotomy." I laughed out loud until I realized that it was real.
3. I was watching a rerun of My Name Is Earl, and Joy was upset that this Asian woman who lives next door was stealing her clients (she does nails). She called the lady Chinese, and Earl was correcting her, saying that he thought she was Vietnamese. Joy says, "I don't care of she's Chinese, Vietnamese, or Chucky Cheese, that bitch has gotta go!"
4. My chief resident was giving morning report today and he was updating us on this patient who has been around for a while. He says, "I don't think the patient is the problem. I think her husband is MSM on the DL." So this silly little Asian medical student says, "Did you say 'MSM?' What is that?" After we all stop laughing (it's a medical term that she should've known, just like STD or HIV), he says (very patiently), "MSM is men who have sex with men. You DO know what the 'DL' stands for, right?" She looked so perplexed that I could hardly stand it.

There's more, but like I said, my short term memory is the WORST.

Soliciting All Internet Stalkers

Okay, I need yall's help. I am looking for a video of an old episode of Mad TV. I have been able to track down when it aired (2002, season six) and what the episode number was (#626). It's the one where they did the parody of Oprah's Book Club and she was BITCHIN the HELL out of Stedman (or "snacker on the side," as my friend and I like to call him). Please, please, PLEASE, if anone can find video of that skit, I would be FOREVER grateful. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen, and so far they haven't released Season Six on DVD. Thanks guys :)

I'm Still Here

I know I was being pretty diligent there for a while in posting every day when I was doing the Master Cleanse, and I have since fallen off. But I have had a lot of things on my plate and I just couldn't drum up the energy to add one more. However, I was pleasantly surprised this morning to note that I was on the LEFT side of 200 pounds when I got on the scale this morning - the first time I have weighed less than 200 since I moved here - YEAH!! Baby steps guys, baby steps ;)
Say a prayer for me when you have a spare minute; these last few days have been alot.

Day 13

Okay, guys. The Master Cleanse is down for the count. I am on day 13, only one more to go, but I had a bit of a health scare yesterday and have decided that enough is enough. I didn't lose as much weight as some people or even as much as I had hoped, but I did stick with it (for the most part) as long as I could, and I am proud of myself. Yesterday I passed out in my office and I happened to be alone, so no one found me for about 20-25 minutes. I got some IV fluids, they ran a bunch of tests, and suggested that I stay at home today until I felt (as they put it) "more stable." I really don't think it had much to do with the cleanse since I hadn't done anything different yesterday than any other day, but I'm just hoping that there isn't something really wrong with my body. I have never really hd any health problems (other than clumsiness which seems to be the curse of tall women everywhere), so I have often found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I have never passed out like that before (for such a long period of time), so my mind is on overdrive trying to figure out what could be wrong. And for the comedians out there, the answer to your question is a beautiful, wonderful NO!!!! A pregnancy test was one of the first things they did, so now that we've gotten that out of the way :) Breathe, stretch, shake, honey... your friends were wrong, I am NOT trying to trap you into marrying me. Yall have a good one...

Morning weight: 201.2 (-7.6 pounds)

Sad News to Report

Sorry if this is old news, but I just got an email about it (http://www.allhiphopnews.com/hiphopnews/?ID=6190). Apparently, Rev. Run and his wife Justine suffered a great loss this past Saturday when their baby girl was born with her organs on the outside of her baby. She died shortly after delivery. I am SO sad to hear that - I am a big fan of Run's House, and I remember how excited she seemed when she found out that she was pregnant. All the kids were hapy and even Rev. seemed to have gotten on the bandwagon of his "old lady" having a new baby. According to the article, MTV cameras were at the hospital in Ridgewood filming for the new season of Run's House when this occurred, so I don't know how it will all pan out (if at all) on the show,

Please keep Reverend Run and his family in your thoughts and prayers as I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have a blessing so wonderful and anticipated end this way.

P.S. And then with people fighting to keep their lives, THIS dumb ass..... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15021827/

Day 12

Damn my shedding endometrium!!!

Morning weight: 202.0 (-6.6 pounds)

Day 11

Morning weight: 201.0 (-7.6 pounds)

Day 10

Whoo hoo! Well, no MAJOR setback on the weight front. This weekend's weakness didn't affect me TOO much (at least I didn't have dessert).

Morning weight: 201.8 (-7 pounds)

Monique and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Birthday

SIGH..... this was one of the worst birthdays ever (surpassed only by the truly horrible 26th birthday of 2003). I was on this ridiculous Master Cleanse, I didn't get any presents, and I got a reckless driving speeding ticket. Plus the next day I fell off the diet bandwagon (I don't want to discuss it, just know that I'm back with the tea and the lemonade) and I got into a horrible fight with a really good friend. It wasn't really a fight, more like a misunderstanding, but I felt terrible and apparently so did he. I just get so frustrated when I feel like people aren't making time for me - especially when that's all I ever seem to do for other people. I was so angry that I got in my car at 11:00 p.m. and started driving the six hours back to New Jersey. I was tired, I was angry, I was sad, and I just wanted to have a happy fucking birthday. What did I think I was going to accomplish by running myself off the road at 2:00 in the morning somewhere on US-13? I don't know... it just seemed like the right choice at the time. Luckily this friend convinced me to turn around and come home (or at least back to their house). I really do think that he cares about me, it's just that sometimes it gets lost in the translation.

This probably makes absolutely NO SENSE to anyone reading this, so I'll just stop blabbering now. Prepare yourself: tomorrow's weight will be more than last week, but like I said, I did eat twice this weekend. So even though tomorrow is day 10, I might have to go more than 14 days because of the lapse. We'll see.

P.S. If my friend happens to be reading this, I'm sorry if I worried you Saturday night. I was angry with you, and I didn't understand that you really were concerned about my wellbeing. I hope you understood where I was coming from and that our friendship will be better because of it. **secret handshake**

Day Seven

Don't ask me what why my weight went up today; I didn't drink my tea like I was supposed and I was really slacking on the lemonade so... I don't know. Unfortunately I won't be able to give you guys any weight updates over the weekend because I am going home for my 29th BIRTHDAY TODAY (YEAH!!!!!!). I don't think I'll be back with any stories about fabulous birthday parties like someone I know or beatiful flower arrangements like someone else I am hatin on but it's all good... you only turn 29 once and I'm not bitter :) Have a good weekend everyone!

Morning weight: 201.8(-7 pounds)

Day Six

I'm running late AGAIN, but I remembered...

Morning weight: 201.2 (-7.4 pounds)

11:37 ADDENDUM: Cuz I'm a brick... duh duh duh duh... HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I didn't have time to appropriately address my weight loss this morning as I was dashing off to work (late AGAIN), but now I have a few minutes. DAMN!!! This thing is really working.... I got on the scale this morning and saw that I am eerily close to the left side of 200 which is all I really wanted in the first place, and I still have eight days to go! Aww, shucks... I'm 'bout to get back in my "skinny jeans" before this is all over :)

Day Five

For one that ONE person out there who might still give a damn about me losing weight, I am sorry. I was runnin CRAZY late this morning and completely forgot to weight myself. So I will have to wait until tomorrow to see how much (if any) weight I lost yesterday and today. Maybe the larger number will make me feel like I am accomplishing more! We will do anything to trick ourselves into feeling good, won't we?

And I am sorry about the pictures in yesterday's blog. I tried re-posting them three different times, and they will only stay visible on the blog for a few hours. All I'm getting now is little white boxes with red x's in them. SIGH... so much for turning this into a pornographic blog :) Peace...

Please Do Not Touch, Lick, Fondle, or Mount the Exhibits

This was the sign that greeted my entry into the New York Museum of Sex, or MoSex as it will be hereafter deemed. In my haste to get inside without anyone on the street thinking I was some kind of perv, I completely forgot to take a picture of the sign outside. But it was nothing remarkable....

So I get inside and am greeted by a rather handsome man behind the counter who takes my money and tells me to have a "wonderful time" (uh, okay...). There are three exhibits on three different floors. The first exhibit was Peeping, Probing & Porn: Four Centuries of Graphic Sex in Japan. Okay, so who knew that the geisha were gettin down like THAT??? That exhibit is where most of the pictures are from. There were all of these exqamples of Japanese art, comic strips, and even anime (YES, pornographic anime!!)... and the pictures were incredibly graphic.
 
 
 
  
Apparently, in Japanese culture, it is traditional to depict the genitalia in very exaggerated, larger than life format. So all of the women's breasts were like GGG and the penises were... well, let's just say that if you listen to Wendy Williams, you would say, "Put that where? Back there!!"

The second floor was Stags, Smokers, and Blue Movies: The Origins of American Pronographic Film. No pictures from here because it was just a bunch of television screens showing reels of really, really old porn. Now it disturbs me TREMENDOUSLY to think that somewhere in the deep South, mass was trying to convince my great great great grandmother to "yeah, do it like that mama!" Anyway... not much excitement there.

The third floor (and in my opinion, the best floor in the museum) was Spotlight on the Permanent Collection. This was basically a collection of things collected from thousands of peoples' private collections.... original vibrators, art, videos, stuff like that. And then there was this chair...
 
Boy oh boy if I had THAT bad boy in the house... Toward the end of the exhibit there was this collection of videos, letters, etc., and one in particular jumped out at me....
 
I assume yall can read the title. Why oh why?? This next picture was interesting to me because it reminded me of a certain person and his many references to that "sweet white nectar" or whatever it is that he always says.
 
These last few pictures are of various types of really, really old vibrators and other devices of pleasure for women (I think). Ladies, what about that drill with the penis on the end? Oh hell naw....
 
 
 
This last one just speaks for itself... yall figure it out.
 
So this is how I spent my afternoon... whatcha think???? Oh yeah, and this is what I came home with :)
 

Day Four

Sorry guys. I know you were probably waiting for a post on MoSex, but I haven't left home yet. And I just couldn't wait to report today's weight loss!! Don't worry - a full report will be forthcoming this afternoon/evening.

Morning weight: 201.6 (-7.0 pounds)

Boo, Nigga Boo

If you know me, you know that the results of this are HILARIOUS.

American Cities That Best Fit You::

60% San Diego

55% Austin

55% Honolulu

55% Portland

50% Atlanta

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

More importantly, how does 60, 55, 55, 55, and 50 add up to 100%?????

Day Three

Today was a short one. I'll just write what I really wanted to write yesterday but was too busy at work.

So I was returning to work from getting my eyebrows arched, and my cab stopped at a light on the corner of 5th Avenue and 27th Street. As usual, I was looking out the window people watching, and I almost slammed on the brakes (oh wait, I wasn't driving) when I saw The Museum of Sex, or as New Yorkers apparently like to call it, "MoSex." WHAT??? As soon as I got back to my desk, I googled that boy. Now, I know what you're saying: I was too busy to blog, but I wasn't too busy to look up a museum devoted entirely to sex, right? Damn right. So I now know where I will be spending my day off tomorrow.... RIGHT HERE. And loving EVERY minute of it. I can't imagine a better way to spend a Tuesday afternoon than aimlessly walking among pictorial representations of the evolution of the vibrator and hourly IMAX movies on the American history of pornography. YES!!! Bring on the sex :)

And oh, by the way, the cleanse is going okay too. I decided to abandon the morning salt water flushes because I just can't finish them. So I am doubling up on the tea and hoping that it won't matter too much.

Morning weight: 203.8 (-4.8 pounds)

Day Two

Not too much work news this morning - but it's only 10:20. Maybe something will pop off later in the afternoon.

Day two of the Master Cleanse. So those of you who are already tired of hearing about it, I apologize. But my only accountability is on this blog because any friends I have who would normally check up on me to see if I've cheated live 200 miles (or more) away. So hang in there with me - only 12 more days :) I hate admitting this (and I hate even more that I did it), but I cheated yesterday. When I got home from work, I ate a couple of saltine crackers. I felt miserable the whole time I was eating them, so I threw the rest down the trash chute in the hall. I know that I have to do better, but I had convinced myself that a few crackers wouldn't hurt. But the whole point is self discipline, not whether or not a few itemsof food will affect the cleanse. So I made a promise to myself not to fall off the wagon again (I feel like an addict!), and I went to sleep.

This morning sucked again (that damn salt water flush!). I wasn't able to get as much down as I did yesterday, so as I result, I feel like I cheated myself out of the full effects. But I did the best I could - maybe I can do more tomorrow. Today's lemonade is MUCH better than yesterday's since I wasn't quite so heavy handed with the cayenne pepper. I've already had more today than I had the whole time I was at work yesterday, so that's good. It's just that I am SO hungry. I don't think I realized how difficult it would be to go from such an unhealthy diet full of grease and carbs to this - I should have, but I didn't (so much for being a medical professional!). And the staff is upset with me because I didn't bring in doughnuts this morning like the other resident did yesterday. Screw that - if I have to suffer, everybody suffers. You want doughnuts? Dunkin Donuts is directly across the street - hustle over there and eat one for me AND you. Half of them are always crying about their weights anyway, so consider this a push in the right direction -my next weekend working I'll bring in some salad :)

Morning weight: 205.0 (-3.6 pounds)

Day One

If you hadn't noticed, when I have to work on the weekends, I tend to blog alot. There isn't much going on here, and I need something to relieve the tedium. This was actually supposed to tbe the first postof the day, but as usual, I got caught up in reading about other people's lives, and forgot all about my own (for about one second). So here is a brief update about my Master Cleanse quest.
Okay, so I hate it already. I drank the tea last night and went to bed. No problem. I set my alarm for 4:30 this morning so that I could get up and chug the sea salt water (apparently you need to give yourself some time to "recuperate" after that, and I had to be out of the house for work by 7:00. Now THAT was a terrible experience. It took almpst 15 minutes, but I was able to get it down. Fast forward past the unpleasantness following that. Now I am at work, and I am STARVING. My dumb ass coresident (after she HEARD me say that I couldn't eat anything) brings in two boxes of doughnuts. Then she proceeds to eat her lunch and comment repeatedly on how tasty it is. SIGH.... but the upside is that I don't have a headache yet (like I usually would after not eating by this time of day). Hopefully what they say is true and by day three I will stop having a desire for solid food.
Morning weight: 206.8 (-1.8 pounds)

As If You Haven't Heard Enough Random Facts About Me

1. How tall are you barefoot? 6 feet
2. Have you ever flown first-class? Yes
3. One of your favorite books when you were a child? Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and all things Amelia Bedelia
4. A good restaurant in your city? Buddhakan
5. What is your favorite small appliance? microwave
6. One person that never fails to make you laugh? Jarrod
7. What’s your favorite Christmas song? At the risk of sounding like a Scrooge, Christmas music drives me insane. But if I had to pick, I would say Oh Holy Night
8. What was the first music that you ever bought? I don't remember the first one that I bought with my own money, but my dad bought me The Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
9. Do you do push-ups? Hahahahahahahaha.... sorry. *Ahem* No.
10. What was one of your favorite games as a child? Clue, Monopoly, Simon Says, Red Light Green Light, kickball
11. What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments? my three meat three cheese baked spaghetti
12. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? a doctor
13. Your favorite Soup of the Day? broccoli and cheese
14. What in your life are you most grateful for? my mother adopting me
15. Have you ever met someone famous? BEYONCE!!!!!!!!!! Sorry again. *Ahem* Beyonce.
16. Date Of Birth? September 22, 1977
17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment: a. I am so hungry; b. I am REALLY ready to go home; c. I hate this job
18. Three people you're thinking about right now: a. my mom because on Monday it will have been three years since she passed away; b. my manager because she's calling on the phone, but I'm ignoring it; and c. my friend Kelly because I know she would really be interested in hearing about this diet
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink: Coke, water, some fantastic soda from Target that I can never remember the brand name of, tea, Nantucket Nactar's Half -n- Half
20. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news? unfortunately, the radio
21. Current hair? a bob-like style (really praying for it to grow out so I can have a REAL bob)
22. Current worry? getting a part-time job and staying on this cleanse for the full 14 days
23. Current hate? NYPD because they almost made me dent my ride this morning
24. Favorite place to be? in my bed
25. Least favorite place to be? work
26. Do you consider yourself well organized? I try to be - I used to be much better
27. Do you believe in an afterlife? absolutely
28. Where do you think you will be in 10 years? literally or metaphorically? I have no idea where my body will be, but hopefully it will be somewhere with a job that I love and a family
29. Do you burn or tan? both - burn first, tan later
30. Who was the last blogger you hung out with? PYT
31. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future? I try to be optimistic
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink? I can't remember... I think it was at my friend's husband's birthday party several weeks ago
33. What songs do you sing in the shower? Currently I switch between Showstopper, Irreplaceable, and Sexyback
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a kid? I don't remember having those fears
35. What’s in your pockets right now? lint
36. Last thing that made you laugh? this video that I saw on someone's blog
37. Best bed sheets you had as a child? Strawberry Shortcake
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? torn ligaments in my knee
39. Favorite song? Ever? Hmm.... A Song for You by Donny Hathaway and Dangerously in Love by Beyonce (it makes me cry EVERY time)
40. How many TVs do you own? two
41. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that you love them? Hmm.... I think around 10.
42. Last person that made you blush? can't remember
43. Best compliment received? "Your mother would be so proud of you, Monique"
44. What song is in your head? Sexyback
45. What is your favorite book? can't decide right now
46. Last meal you cooked for the opposite sex? I think it was spaghetti, right?
47. What songs do you want played at your wedding? too many to name (please, no Electric Slide)
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Praise Is What I Do
49. What were you doing at 12 midnight last night? sleeping
50. What would you like to accomplish with the remaining years of your life? be a success in love and life

Master Cleanse

I need to lose weight. Bottom line (no pun intended). I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day (okay, I was closely scrutinizing myself in the mirror), and I was HORRIFIED. At what point did I make the transition from "slim" to "fat?" I was always the skinny girl... 6'0" and 135 pounds. I ate all the time - whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. Then one day I stepped on the scale and I weighed (shade your eyes if you want to keep your image of me intact) 200 pounds. Two hundred. I have officially transitioned to that girl with :such a pretty face." I used to be FLY - now I have to catch my breath after walking up several flights of stairs in the subway. So it's time to make a change. I am serious this time - no more cartons of Breyers in the freezer and no more Papa Johns delivery at 10:00 p.m. And the first step in this process is the Master Cleanse. Like one of my fellow bloggers, I am driven to make a list of reasons why I am doing this. Maybe if I have something concrete to look at, I will have more motivation when I see an Olive Garden commercial on television. So here are the reasons why I am doing the Master Cleanse:

1. I would like to jump start my weight loss. If at the end of 14 days, some of my pants are not as tight, then I will be motivated to continue altering my diet.
2. I need more energy. On my days off, I may not get out of bed until well after noon. But yet the next day, I can barely drag myself up out of bed. A lot of it is probably secondary to the fact that I hate my job, but this might help me.
3. I need to prove that I can dedicate myself to something and actually see it through. I have always prided myself on my tenacity and perseverance, but as of late, I have been slacking on sticking to the things that are actually good for me. If I can make it to day 14 without faltering, I think it will go a long way toward improving my confidence in myself.

So before I go to bed tonight, I will have my first cup of tea and tomorrow I will start the infamous Master Cleanse. If you have done it, holla at me - I want to hear your stories (both positive and negative). If you just have some words of encouragement, definitely send those. I will be on this damn thing during my birthday (sucks, I know), so I need all the help I can get. Say a prayer, yall...

Love,
The Fatty Formerly Known as Skinny :)

ADDENDUM: Make that 208.6 pounds. It's gotta go.

Last One, I Promise

Okay, I know yall are sick to death of hearing about Beyonce, but I just got the picture from the radio station... let's just say that I'm glad I didn't go all the way uptown for this one. I look like I just ate a whole carton of snack cakes and am looking around like, "Is that all?" *deep sigh** DAMN. And to answer the question that I KNOW all of you are asking: yes, I did crop all of the other uglies out of the picture. Just me and my girlfriend : the '06 Bonnie & Clyde, B and me, holla!!

B-Day in Review

So everybody knows by now that I spent all day Friday chasing Beyonce around New York City like the true stalker that I am (pause, PYT). So after a little subtle reminder that I had yet to blog about my experiences, here we go...
4:00 a.m. I bolt out of bed and realize that today is the day I FINALLY get to meet my beloved Beyonce! Skip all the boring details, but the final word is that I couldn't decide what to wear that wouldn't make me look like a gigantic cow standing next to her, so I ended up running VERY late. I knew I wasn't going to make it by train in time to meet the Good Morning America guy by 6:15, so I hopped in my car and decided to brave the Holland Tunnel on a weekday morning.
6:25 a.m. I finally get to the corner of 44th and 7th where I'm supposed to sign in and get my VIP wristband. There are a RIDICULOUS number of people standing in line, and they are all looking at me trying to figure out why I am so dressed up at this Godforsaken hour of the morning (duh, its Beyonce!). And in tribute to Jameil who ALWAYS describes her outfits in painstaking detail for us, here is my attempt at the same. I had on a cream colored wife beater with beige lace around the neck and my best "uh oh" jeans (ladies, yall know the ones). I chose my favorite (and never before worn) cafe au lait-colored suede jacket (it was CRAZY cold that morning) to go on top, but the piece de resistance (yes, bitches... that's FRENCH!) was my shoes. I had on some cream linen House of Dereon peep toe pumps with gold and blue beading around the toes and down the back of the heel (these are the same shoes, but mine were cream)
8:15 a.m. After I thought I was going to DIE in anticipation, Beyonce's all girl (and ALL FABULOUS) band hit the stage along with Diane Sawyer and Robin Roberts (the former looking VERY puzzled as to why all of these Black people were screaming and chanting "B-Daaaaaaaaaay!!" at the tops of their lungs!). And just as I got out my camera and put my finger on the button in "ready mode," it happened.... (angels singing in the background!)... Beyonce walked on stage. SIGH..... she had on this bad ass jungle print dress with some gold jewelry, and her hair (which my linesister had firmly instructed me to inspect for signs of a wig) was FABULOUSLY hand spiraled. She sang Deja Vu (minus Jay, what a downer), Crazy in Love, and Irreplaceable before she left to change clothes so they could tape a segment for the Saturday morning show). When she came back, she had on this plain black jersey V-neck dress with this silver wide necklace and these BAD ASS Jimmy Choos (yes, ladies..... the uh oh in Choos). SHe performed Greenlight for the taping and when she was getting ready to leave the stage, everyboldy started chanting for Ring The Alarm. Guys, I'm telling you.... she's only about 5'5" and she is so small these days since losing all of that weight for Dreamgirls, but she has such an incredible stage presence. She seemed so genuinely happy and humbled by all of the love she was getting from the crowd - she even signed this little girl's cast who was standing in the front row :) Anyway, she said that she was really tired (she had just gotten back from Japan a few days earlier) and she wanted to rest her voice, but she knew we wanted to hear Ring the Alarm, so she would sing "a little bit of it." A little bit turned into the whole song, and then she left the stage.
2:45 p.m. (This is turning into a much longer saga than I meant for it to, so I apologize to those of you who could really care less). I spent the last several hours in Times Square and having lunch at Planet Hollywood because I didn't want to be too far away from the venue for the meet and greet in case they started to form a line (you know I had to get the good seats!). I got into a little argument with some stupid chicks from Queens which I won't even bother telling you about because it was just SO stupid. Fast forward... we get inside, go up to the fourth floor, I RUN for the front table because it is in the center of the floor and DIRECTLY in front of where Beyonce was going to be sitting with Ed Lover for the radio show. Sure enough, a few minutes later Beyonce walks in (with this cute little House of Dereon top on... I don't care for too much of their stuff, but this was cute). During one of the commercial breaks, I decided that I HAD to talk to her, so I yelled out "Beyonce!" She looks up and I said, "Look at my shoes!" (I know, it was pitiful, but I wanted her to talk to me!). She looks real puzzled about why in the world some regular girl would want her to look at her shows, so I lifted my foot up and said it again. She looked down at the shoes, and this huge smile crosses her face. She said, "Hey! Those are MY shoes! They look soooo cute on your feet!" At this point, yall know I was cheezin like I had just won the lottery or something... Beyonce said my shoes were cute :) Anyway... they let us take pictures with her, but only in groups of six. So unless you were standing immediately next to her, you ended up with a worthless picture of Beyonce, you, and five random people you had never met. So of course, I immediately start scheming on how I can get next to her so that I can just crop those other losers out of the picture when I get home! When I go up on the stage for the picture, she said, "Hey! It's the girl with the cute shoes!" I smiled and said thank you, and then she said (and this almost made me pass out), "You are so beautiful!" Yall, I'm telling the truth... Beyonce Giselle Knowles said that I (little old me) was beautiful. I was DONE! Never mind that she was probably just being polite or that she was just searching for something to say since I was towering over her with this goofy ass smile on my face... she said that I was beautiful, and THAT, my friends, will go down in history as the best compliment I have EVER received! After the picture was taken and I left the stage, she answered a few more questions and then she had to leave because she was signing CD's at Macys in Herald Square.
Sooooooooooooo... after much ado, that was my B-Day story. I know it probably wasn't very exciting for yall to read, but I had the time of my life. I never thought that I would get close enough to Beyonce to tell her how much I love her music and how much I appreciated the fact that she is every bit as genuine and warm as she seems in the media. But I did, and by tomorrow afternoon, I should have the photo to prove it (hope it came out okay!). If so, I will post it in another blog. I took a ton of pictures, so if you want to see them, just email me and I will send you the link. I didn't cry (thank God!) like some people did, but I had this HUGE smile on my face the ENTIRE day. Plus I met two really cool girls at the concert and now maybe I'll have someone to hang out with on one of my few days off. YEAH!

More Stolen Merchandise

I'll write about my B-Day later (maybe tomorrow)... I'm still shaking my head in disbelief! In the meantime, I am stealing again....
1. 4th grade teacher's name: Mrs. Topping

2. Last words you said to your mom: It's okay to go now. I'm here and I love you.

3. Last song you sang: "Get Me Bodied" by Beyonce

4. Last person you hugged: Nikki

5. Last thing you laughed at: Melissa's blog

6. Last time you said I love you and meant it: yesterday to my friend Kelly

7. Last time you cried: when I saw "When the Levees Broke" last weekend

8. What color socks are you wearing: none. I'm in the bed

9. What's under your bed: nothing, my bed is level with the floor

10. What time did you wake up today: 8:30 a.m.

11. Current Taste: Cap'n Crunch

12. Current hair: ponytail

13. Current annoyance: the fact that I don't have any fabulous plans for such a beautiful day

14. Current bad habit: being bossy

15. Current longing: the picture of me and Beyonce that the DJ took yesterday and love

16. Current desktop background: Vegas skyline

17. Met/Talked to any hot girls/guys lately: Met and talked to Beyonce yesterday

18. If you could play any instrument: the piano

19. Favorite color(s): red, brown, yellow, orange

20. How tall are you: 6'0"

21. Current favorite word/saying: bitch queen

22. Favorite book: nothing right now

23. Favorite season: fall

24. Favorite article of clothing: this grey tshirt that I have

25. Favorite age: now isn't quite so bad

26. What is your career going to be like: hopefully short and lucrative

27. How many kids do you want: 2

*HAVE YOU EVER...*

28. Said "I love you": yes

29. Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish: no. Stone knows better.

30. Been to New York: yes, work there

31. Been to the Bahamas: no

32. Been to California: yes

33. Been to Hawaii: recently

34. Been to Bermuda: yes, when I was 13

35. Been to China: no

36: Been to Ireland?: no

37. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: unfortunately, yes

38. Fallen in love with a friend? yes

39. Gotten into a fight? (smile) not too long ago

40. Stolen anything? yes

41. Gotten married? almost....

42. Do you have a crush on someone: if by crush you mean I have feelings for someone that I am not in a relationship with, then yes

43. What book are you reading now?: Judge and Jury by James Patterson and Andrew Cross

44. What is the first thing you think when you wake up in the morning? it's too damn early

45. How many rings before you answer: usually like 2

46. Future daughter's names: I'm not sharing

47. Future son's names: My husband's name

48. What do you sleep with: my dog

49. What do you do before you go to sleep? Wrap up my hair and set my alarm clock

50. What do you wear to sleep in: shorts and a tank top

51. Where are you: at my desk in my bedroom

52. Where do you wish you were: somewhere else

53. Piercings: just my ears

*THE EXTRA STUFF*

54. What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: currently Mizani

55. Who is the last person that called you: a bill collector

56. Where do you want to have your honeymoon? Bora Bora

57. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I'd be thinner

58. Hate: hate, pettiness, liars, being broke

59. Been In Love: yes

60. Are you timely or always late: usually timely

61. Do you have a job: yes

62. Do you like being around people: depends on the people

63. Best feeling in the world: that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when the man tht you love smiles at you across the room

64. Miss someone right now?: yes

65. Are you a health freak: hahahahahahahahaha... sorry, no

66. Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: not anymore

67. Are you lonely right now: yes

68. Do you want kids: yes

*THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...*

69. Cried: no

70. Bought something: food

71. Gotten sick: no

72. Sang: yes. I was singing all day yesterday

73. Said I love You: yes

74. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yes

75. Moved On: working on it

76. Talked to someone: yes

77. Had a serious talk: no

78. Missed someone: didn't I just answer this?

79. Hugged someone: yes

80. Yelled at someone: yes - this dumb ass lady was trying to... never mind, but she had it coming,

81. Dreamed about someone you can't be with: yes

82. Fallen down: yes

83. Seen a movie: no

84. Talked on the phone: yes

85. Had sex: HA! no sadly not.

BEYONCE!!!!!!!!!!

 
 
 
  

Okay, clearly I am bored out of my mind. I have posted three times in the past 10 hours, and I still have 37 more minutes before I can blow this joint. However, I couldn't let this happen without telling you guys about it (it is starting to sound less funny by the minute, however).

So I am sitting in my office (with the door open because when I close it, I am told that I am sending the "inappropriate message to the staff"). I am finishing the last few pages of "The Devil Wears Prada" (and no, that is not the latest pharmacy journal, for those of you who track my every move!), and I hear this HORRIBLE noise coming from the hallway. As I roll my chair towards the door and over the threshold (no, I just couldn't bear to actually get my ass out of the chair), the noise is getting louder. When I finally reach the hallway, I see this Asian woman (one of the pharmacists) sitting at the computer (yes, the one in the hall that my Chinese compadre suggested I use instead of hers), and she is singing (opera style) "One Moment in Time." I'm talking Whitney Houston, before the crack pipe, balls out, top of her lungs, crooning, "There in that moment of time, it will be, it will beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eternity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WHAT? It is so time for me to go.

And as a sidebar, I got busted this morning going up on the elevator. It stopped on the second floor (I work on the third), and the doors opened just as I was getting DEEP into my "uh oh" dance rehearsal for Friday's meeting with Beyonce. The nurse who got on the elevator looked absolutely APPALLED, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing out loud. SIGH... the ways we amuse ourselves at work :)

Preacher Man

Oh my goodness! My friend Jen just IM'd me from Los Angeles. She went to church yesterday, and she was telling me that the preacher seemed to be speaking about a certain young man she has been dating. The preacher said (and I quote): "If you are always dating the same type of woman and it isn't working, maybe you should change to a different type. Like if your woman is a control freak, but she is more control than freak, then you need to let her go and find someone else." WHAT????? Can you say that from the pulpit? And if Stacie is reading this... Freak-a-Leak just came on the radio: "MO-NEEK!!!!!!!" YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude... A Stingray??

Okay, I realize that there is nothing really funny about Steve Irwin dying this morning, but come on, a STINGRAY? Who gets stung by a stingray in the HEART??? This guy is up here wrestling alligators, sneaking up on animals that I can't even pronounce their names, and he gets stung in the heart by a stingray while filming a special in Australia? Man, comedy can be found in the strangesdt places. R.I.P. Crocodile Hunter.

RING THE ALARM!!!!!!

Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, but I am in this weird state of crazed, overwhelming, all-encompassing, slightly orgasmic excitement right now. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Last night I was at my house in Jersey City giving my dog a bath (after the unintentional one we got when I tried to walk him in Tropical Storm Ernesto). They started playing all of these Beyonce songs on Power 105 and I heard a commercial about winning something... blah, blah, blah.... Friday, blah, blah, blah.... BEYONCE. STOP THE PRESSES. I turned the water off, left the dog in the bathtub, and ran to my room to turn up the radio. They were saying to call in to win, so I frantically pick up my cell phone and my house phone and start dialing 1-800-585-1051. After about a million busy signals and a couple of false alarms where it rung but no one ever picked up, I realized that I was not going to win whatever "it" was that had to do with Beyonce. So I despondently go back to washing my very bewildered dog (who was sitting in my bathtub looking at me like I was the worst owner in the world). Mind you, I don't even know what I have lost, but I know that it had to do with Beyonce, and that in itself had to be a bummer.

Fast forward to 8:30 p.m. I am just getting ready to turn the radio off and go back to reading "The Devil Wears Prada" (fabulous read, by the way) when I heard DJ Whoever She Is (hereafter known as DJ WSI) say that she was going to play the sounder again before the 9:00 hour. Again, I had no idea what I was calling for, but it had to be good if it was about Beyonce, right? So at 8:45 p.m. she played the sounder, and I snatched up my two phones again. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buhhhh (busy signal). Ring ring ring, "Number 100." Click. What the hell does that mean? Was I caller 100? So I dialed on my cell phone one more time and that's when I heard the magic words, "Power 105, who's this?"
Me: Uh, Monique?
DJ WSI: Where are you calling from?
Me: Uh, Jersey City?
DJ WSI: Well did you know that Beyonce has a birthday coming up on Monday?
Me: Um, yes...
DJ WSI: Well how would you like to meet her on Friday at Planet Hollywood, blah blah blah blah.....
Me: AIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!! NO WAY!!! I am going to die!! I love Beyonce! Thank you so much! Thank you!!
DJ WSI: Don't die, then you won't get to meet Beyonce on Friday! Go Monique, it's your birthday (well it's not really your birthday), you're gon' party like it's your birthday!!!

And that's when I lost touch with reality and started singing (AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS), "Ring the alarm! I've been at this too long!! And I'll be damn if I see another chick on your arm!!" WHAT????? So after I was on hold for a while and got to hear how truly ridiculous I sounded on the radio (I have discovered since then that they are playing my call as that one really excited winner at least every hour!), DJ WSI got all of my information and told me that the Promotions Department would call me on Tuesday with the details of my prize. I haven't stopped dancing since. I proceeded to play every Beyonce song that I have on my ipod and dance around my house to the point where the neighbors started banging on the ceiling. I called everyone I knew (but NO ONE was answering the phone!) and leaving these insane voicemail messages. Finally I managed to get PYT who drummed up at least a little excitement for me (thanks, man.

Well, boys and girls, your blogger pal Monique is going to get her dream.... I AM GOING TO MEET BEYONCE ON FRIDAY!!!!!! So if you never hear from me again, it's because I died in Times Square, but please believe that it was with a glad heart :)

Oh So Pretty....

I look pretty.

Okay, for those of you who know me, you are probably scratching your heads and thinking to yourself, "Somthing must be wrong. Monique NEVER says she looks pretty. As a matter of fact, every time she even HEARS the word 'pretty,' she goes and finds her brightest red and white shirt and breaks out in the Sweetheart Song!" (you got THAT right!)

But today, I am sort of in shock: I really do look pretty. I got my hair done yesterday, and my stylist convinced me to let her set my hair on these weird twisty, bended rod-like contraptions. She swore that I would come out with these bautiful curls all over my head. "Now Tina, are you sure that my hair isn't too short for that?" She said no. "Tina, are you certain that I won't look like a Q-Tip?" She sighed, but stuck with no. "Okay Tina, are you absolutely POSITIVE that I won't look like I have a giant frizball on my head?" She then just pushed me down in the chair and turned on the water. When my hair was FINALLY finished drying (three hours later) and all the weird twisty things were out, I was about to cry. I looked like the posterchild for why white girls get their hair thermally straightened. Too many curls, too much head, not enough confidence. But she just kept saying in this incredibly soothing voice that the curls will fall and it will be beautiful. And (wonder of all wonders), she was right! I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror (okay, I just spent ten minutes looking at my hair from every conceivable angle... sheesh, guys!), and I think that I actually do look pretty. Not stunning, not beautiful, but pretty... and actually kinda New York fly. So in a few minutes when I am walking briskly down 5th Avenue toward the subway at Union Square in my cute little denim trench coat (yes, guys... it's CHILLY here today!), I think I might actually feel like I belong here...

I LOOK PRETTY :)

I usually NEVER have this much to talk about in a 24-hour period of time, but I was surfing the Net on company time (SURPRISE), and I found this story: http://news.yahoo.com/s/eo/20060823/en_tv_eo/19833 To summarize, the new season of Survivor will segregate its contestants based on race. There will be four groups: Asians, African Americans, Hispanics, and whites. Now, I might be the last person ib the world to read this story, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. Does anyone else feel just a little exploited by a network television show segregating its participants for all the world to see? Inquiring minds want to know...

And along those same lines, why did my chief resident say to me the other day (with a perfectly straight face) that she is afraid of Black people? WHAT? Did she not realize that I am one of those people? And more importantly, is it EVER appropriate to make a statement that you are afraid of an entire race of people? Granted she is from Latvia, and she really doesn't seem to have a good grasp on what is and is not appropriate in our culture, but still.... "I am afraid of Black people?" Riiiiiight. One time she even said that a patient was so black that he was "almost blue," and that she had never seen anyone so dark before. Again, WHAT???

Kleptomania

I am getting to be a bit of a kleptomaniac, but I have found yet another post on soemone else's blog that I wish to emulate (I prefer to say "emulate" because it sounds better thbn "steal!").

Grub-ology:
* What is your salad dressing of choice?
Sundried tomato or raspberry vinaigrette

* What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Popeyes or McDonalds

* What is your favorite sit down restaurant?
Ruth Chris

* On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
Either ten or twenty percent (I'm too lazy to figure out the in between!)

* What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Rice

* Name three foods you detest above all others.
Liver, brussel sprouts, beets

* What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant?
Spring rolls

* What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepperoni, extra cheese, mushrooms, black olives, banana peppers, green peppers

* What do you like to put on your toast?
Butter and blackberry jam

* What is your favorite type of gum?
Orbitz (the blue package)

Tech-ology:
* Number of contacts in your cell phone?
Maybe 50

* Number of contacts in your e-mail address book?
Umm... I'd have to count, but probably a lot because gmail automatically adds people whenever you send them a message

* What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A picture of me and my mom

* What is your screensaver on your computer?
Same

* Are there naked pictures saved on your computer?
No

* How many land line phones do you have in your house?
One

* How many televisions are in your house?
Two

* What kitchen appliance do you use the least?
Coffee maker

* What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most?
R&B and hip-hop

Bi-ology:
* What do you consider to be your best physical attribute?
My height

* Are you right handed or left handed?
Right

* Do you like your smile?
Um, I guess so... sometimes I think it's a little big

* Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Fat

* Would you like to?
have more fat removed? Absolutely

* Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom?
Depends on how long I'm in there.

* Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
Smell, definitely smell.

* When was the last time you had a cavity?
I have two now, just too chicken to get those bad boys taken care of!

* What is the heaviest item you lift regularly?
My dog

* Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
No

Misc-ology:
* If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
No, because then I would drive myself crazy trying to do everything before the day came.

* If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't change it, I guess.... any other female names I could think of I'm saving for my daughter(s)

* How do you express your artistic side?
I write

* What color do you think you look best in?
Brown or black

* How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison?
A few hours

* Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
Now THAT is funny..... yes, I have

* If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at?
No, I used to have a crush on an older cousin, but now I realize that he's an ass

* How often do you go to church?
Lately, I have tried to go every weekend (when I have Sunday off).

* Have you ever saved someone's life?
If I have, I don't know about it

* Has someone ever saved yours?
With his words, absolutely

Dare-ology:
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.
* Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
Are you kidding? In my current financial situation, I would probably walk naked through Times Square for $100,000

* Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
No, but I would consider it strongly for more money

* Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000?
$10,000 is a lot of money, but no

* Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
Hell no

* Would you never blog again for $50,000?
Sheeeeeeeit.... a blog? Who needs it?

* Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
In a heartbeat, but that probably would be the last issue of that particular magazine :(

* Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Yes - Fear Factor style

* Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
Without fear of punishment in this life or a later one? No, probably not

* Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000?
Make it $10,000, and yes.

* Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
Absolutely. I would just work more.

Sucker Punched

I have a question for you guys out there in blogland... please let me know what you think. Why is it that when you finally hear something out loud that you always knew to be true, it hurts so bad? You know, like when you assume that something is happening, but you can't prove it because nobody has said it out loud.... and then you finally get verbal confirmation. I feel like I just got sucker punched. If it makes sense to you without the details, tell me what you think...

Showing My Age Again

Someone tells me often that I am always saying things to give away my age.... but when I saw this on Russatta's blog, I couldn't resist. I can't help but look back and take yall with me, so here we go....

Ten years ago, it was August 6, 1996. What a difference a decade makes.

How old were you?
Then: 18
Now: 28

Where did you work?
Then: At the Pentagon as an intern in my mom's office... doing something with hiring faculty members from HBCU's to work for the government.
Now: I'm a pharmacist at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York

Where did you live?
Then: Arlington, Virginia during the week and Newport News, Virginia on the weekends
Now: Jersey City, New Jersey

How was your hairstyle?
Then: Mid-back press and curl - that was before the relaxers took hold and I got scissor happy!
Now: Hmm... shoulder length curls.

Did you wear contacts?
Then: No - my mom thought it was ridiculous to have contacts when you could just wear glasses.
Now: Absolutely - I am blind as a bat without them!

Did you wear glasses?
Then: All the time - did I mention that I was blind?
Now: I am supposed to wear them at night instead of glasses, but I am really bad about that. I wear them when I am running crazy late or when a friend says, "You should wear your glasses - you look cute in them!"

Which of your pets was still alive?
Then: I didn't have pets then.
Now: My beloved Stone - he's a pit bull :)

Who was your boyfriend?
Then: I was just starting to date this guy named Rob.
Now: Don't you read my blog? I am so painfully single.

Who was your celebrity crush?
Then: Who knows? It could have been just about anyone - I've always been starstruck.
Now: Hmm... LL Cool J, Dwyane Wade, Jay Z, Boris Kodjoe, and my one girl crush, Beyonce

How many piercings did you have?
Then: None.
Now: One in each ear. Had one in my navel, but I let it close.

How many tattoos did you have?
Then: None.
Now: One at the small of my back of a butterfly.

Who was you favorite singer/band?
Then: I have no idea - that was TEN YEARS AGO!!!!
Now: I like a lot of people - Beyonce for a little female R&B, Anthony Hamilton for when I want to hear a man's woes, Jay Z when I want some hip hop that still makes me feel good, and a little metal for when I feel like quitting my job

Had you smoked a cigarette?
Then: No.
Now: I smoked a few Black and Mild's after college.... that lasted all of a minute and a half.

Had you gotten drunk?
Then: Had never had a drink at that point - mom's didn't play that!
Now: I have been drunk one time, and it was terrible. The rest of the time, I was pleasantly intoxicated :)

What kind of car did you drive?
Then: I'm sorry, did you say CAR? Yeah, right. I rode in whatever my mom was driving.
Now: A 2002 Saturn.

Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?
Then: Sadly, no. I thought I woukd be a docor, and I definitely didn't think I would ever be in New York. My, how things change....

I'll take this opportunity to make a few predictions for August 5, 2016.

Age: 38
Job: I have no idea, but hopefully it will be something I enjoy.
Location: Anywhere beautiful.
Hairstyle: No telling - hopefully the Dominicans will be able to get it to grow!
Family: Married (please, God!) with at least one child.
Contacts/Glasses: At the rate my vision is deteriorating, that's probably the only option I'll have left!
Pets: Hopefully I will still have Stone!
Boyfriend: Hopefully I'll be done with those.
Celebrity Crush: My husband?????
Piercings/Tattoos: Same, maybe a new tattoo some place inconspicuous.
Favorite Artist/Band/Singer: Wonder what kind of music they'll be playing then?
Home: A 2-3 bedroom house with a yard and some land.
Accomplishments: Finding a job that I love and am good at and a husband who loves God and me.
Volunteer work: Tutoring.
My Ride: A Mercedes CLS.
Drinking: At dinner parties that I host with my husband in our beautiful home and at my co-workers fabulous summer homes :)

When Keeping It Real Gets Expensive

New York City is an expensive place to live. Expensive to eat, expensive to drive, expensive to go out, but most of all, it is expensive to get your hair done. Now I know all you ladies out there are prbably saying, "Girl, go to the Dominicans! They can hook up a roller set for $25!" Well, my hair is too short for a roller set right now (or at least one that will look halfway decent), so I am stuck with going to my friend's stylist (who is actually quite good, just very expensive by VA standards). After getting my second paycheck of the new job, I have come to a very disturbing realization: I cannot afford to keep my hair up here the way I did at home (weekly trips to the salon with healthy tips for good service). So I have decided that I will have to work in monthly trips back to VA where I know I can get exactly what I want while simultaneously leaving with enough money to eat and put gas in my car. In the meantime, I have decided that keeping the real hair is just too much trouble, and I have been wearing wigs that my stylist at home made for me before I left. Of course everyone at work (all the white people and various people of Western European lineage) thinks that it is just "so cool the way that your hair curls up like that!!!" (like in the graduation picture from a previous blog). I guess only I know that my own hair is nestled comfortably underneath in a tight wrap :) So this morning, I switched it up and went straight. Oh Lord, why did I do that? "Oh my God!! How do you get your hair so straight?" "Oh Monique, I just love the blonde on top - you look kinda like... what's that rap girl.... Keshia Knight Pulliam?" (no, Becky. Her name is Keyshia Cole, if you must know). Or I also got, "Oooh... your hair is just so...." and then she made this gesture with her hand that I guess was supposed to mean "wow" or "ooh, ahh." SIGH.... when keeping it real gets expensive, sometimes you have to take one for the team (here's the hair from today).

Oh No She Didn't!!!

This post comes complements of Jameil who requested (at her own peril, I'm afraid) that I keep yall up to date on the NATO meetings that take place in my office every weekday from 7:30 to 6:00 p.m. Okay.... so there are now four residents (one decided, for whatever reason, to arrive two weeks late). We are all crammed into this little ass office with no windows. Originally there were only three desks, so when the carpenter came to make the fourth desk, he made it EXTRA big. Now I've probably mentioned this before, but I am an extra big (extra TALL, not extra fat, in case you were snickering behind your hand!) chick. So when I saw the opportunity for the big desk, I snatched it. The down side (which I didn't realize until I had moved all of my things) is that there is no phone jack or computer connection on that side of the room (I know, I know: God doesn't like ugly!). So I have to wait an indeterminant period of time to get both of those extremely important pieces of technology. That's probably just what I get for getting all greedy and eager beaver with the big shit, but hey! It's that damn only child syndrome rearing its ugly head again.
Because of the computer and phone shortages, we are supposed to take turns with their uses so that everyone could get their responsibilities taken care of. So this morning I had to write some reports for an 11:00 meeting. Not check my email, not cath up on yall's AMAZINGLY HYSTERICAL lives via blogland, but to ACTUALLY do what they are paying me for. Don't you know that the Chinese one says to me: "No, you need to use the computer in the hall. I have something to do on MY computer." Actually, it came out more like this: "No, you use compootah in haw. I hah someting do on MY compootah." Now first of all, the last time I checked, these COMPOOTAHS belong to the medical center. And second of all, did she just tell me to move to the equivalent of the back of the bus? The computer in the HALL? Oh hell naw!!! Did I mention that she proceeded to not even do any work on her computer? She just sat at the desk and pushed a couple of keys every few minutes to make noise. After I went into the hall (seething the whole way), I realized that the computer there isn't connected to the network, and I ended up having to use her computer after all. So after much ado, she gets up, but issues the warning that "I need to hurry up because (she) has work to do."
Now here is where the "oh no she didn't" comes in. When I finish using the computer and go back to my desk, why does this child break out the bottle of rubbing alcohol and the box of Kleenex and proceed to thoroughly WIPE DOWN her entire work space including the phone (which I didn't even use)? Oh okay, so the latest guidelines from the World Health Organization with a cc'd copy to the Centers for Disease Control stated that Negro is a stage IV contagious disease now? I mean, cause that's exactly how she was acting. So for the rest of the day the dumb ass hasn't been able to look me in the eye. OKAYYYYYYYYYYY.... so when she got back from lunch, I was strategically placed at her desk with my feet propped up on the desk drawer, my ear plastered to the phone (talking to my boo, the DIAL TONE), and my fingers stuck to her keyboard, all the while writing this post for you guys' entertainment. So you want to wipe some shit down? WIPE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. (written a few hours later) And now the Russian wants to know where I am going and why I am not staying until six o'clock. I AM NOT YOUR SUBORDINATE!!!!! WE ARE EQUALS... except I speak the language fluently. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! Sorry, guys... PYT says that I should be more positive and not emphasize the negative all of the time, so I will try my absolute hardest to make this my last negative post about my job (or least to counterbalance every negative with a positive). Sorry, but that's the best I can do :)

Employment is Overrated

Okay, I know that I am late to this whole "work for a living" game. Many of you have already graduated from college/graduate school and have been in the worforce for quite a minute. But as someone who has only ever worked part-time in various somewhat interesting and moderately well-paying jobs, this shit is FOR THE BIRDS!!!! I always knew that I wasn't cut out to punch a timeclock, and this residency has already reinforced that decision to the tenth power. My co-residents speak VERY heavily accented English (when they aren't reverting back to their native tongues - that would be Korean and Russian, respectively). They seem to have already formed their own little "minority, but not really" clique in the office, so here I am, the only Black woman in the DEPARTMENT, and the only resident not eligible for Social Security. Okay, so I am exaggerating on the age thing. But both of them do have children who are seniors in high school, so either way, they are WAY old compared to me. Together they have decided to map out our entire year on this really ugly wall calendar... I mean, they have the schedule written in all these different colors and codes.... UGH!! Can I at least decide which health plan I want to sign up for and whether I plan to drive or take the train every day before they plan my freaking lunch break on January 3, 2007 out for me too? WOOOOOOOSAHHHHH!!!!! I just keep telling myself that once they unleash me on some patients and I can spend my entire day out on the floors actually impacting peoples' lives (I mean, isn't that what they're paying me for?) that I will feel a lot better. One can only hope... because right now, I am splitting my time between (1)deciding whether or not to slit my wrists here in the office or out in the main pharmacy and (2) what lie I can tell my supervisor so that I can leave early and catch a glimpse of Beyonce outside the 106 & Park studio tomorrow night. Ahh, the life of the working poor :)